Runway Jury: Designing Divorcees

This week’s Runway Jury is being guest blogged by Christopher Roy Correa.

LAST WEEK’S YAWNUR” didn’t feature a wedding-themed challenge, but it might as well have been about going to the chapel; the scissor monkeys were instructed to design an outfit that looked both old, borrowed and blue.

It was tapioca bland.

Well, I’m happy to report that that ill-informed episode of “Project Runway” was an unintentionally swift lead-in to last night’s. That’s right, kittens, it was about bridal gowns. Not making one, or even putting a spin on the frock that has heretofore been known across fashiondom as “Wang’s wheelhouse.”

Nope, for this episode, the idea was to deconstruct the wedding dress — tear it apart, dye it beyond recognition, whore it up real good — for a group of women with divorce on the brain. Will this challenge torpedo the designers the way a wedding dress refurb blew season four’s Steven out of the water? Might it give the single gals some closure? They’re going to model their altered designs down the runway? Fun!

Tim Gunn was in fine form, finally. He said the word “divorcees” four times, and it seemed to gain syllables and resonance with each utterance: “Designers, I’m inviting the dee-VOR-Say-zuh” into the workroom.”

Magic.

So here’s something to ponder: What kind of opinions can you foist on a season if you haven’t seen it? That question wasn’t for you, folks — I know you’re busy and if you miss a show here and there, well, that’s what this recap is for. Nina, can you hear me? Tell you what, sugar, sit the rest of this one out. Or be the guest judge at the finale. It’s just that, for the majority of this season, we’ve sorta been seeing other people.

So, Louise Brooks is gone. She feels missed already. Gordana Huffington doesn’t want to be in a position where she’s deemed old and outmoded. She leaves a good cry on her kids’ answering machine and we see a few family photos. She’s divorced, you see, and the cold, dead hand of programming starts us thinking about her fate…

Someone give pampered Russian princess Irina a dose of iconoclasm before her head gets so big she can’t wear the tiara anymore. Now that she’s won two challenges in a row, she’s the show’s resident Mean Girl. What’s that, Logan? You say you think she’s egotistical? Fine time to chime in, pal. Duh.

MYSTERY SEWING MACHINE THEATER
Everyone chooses their spinster. Althea and Shirin get stuck with women in tank dresses. Shirin is uber whiny because her tank is polyester and undyeable, which is hard — and also her model wants to be dressed like (I swear) Cher’s Half Breed, replete with feathers and hood ornament-subtle accessories. “I’m a performer; I like to shimmy,” she says. Aha. I’m guessing Scores. Suck it up, adorable Shirin, find a happy medium with a Bedazzler or something.

I love these clients. Nicolas‘ wants everything cruelty free, including fabric (even though she’s wearing a fur-lined collar during the consultation — I’m not saying it’s real, but it’s implied to look like fur). Epperson says he wants his client to feel proud in her new look. Um, yes. Tim swans in and makes the rounds. There’s a lot of dye. Hoo-boy. Uh-oh, Christopher, why are you dyeing yours to look like steel wool pads? It’s a short dress. Cougar territory. Epperson seems to have forgotten where he was and decided, “I was working in the lab, late one night,” and designs a mad scientist’s coat.

Logan wants to play on the concept of a tuxedo. Yeah. That’ll make his client feel ladylike and fresh.

Were Althea and Carol Hannah even in the room? Where’d they go?

Then there’s Shirin. LIFE IS SO HARB, she says (with her eyes, which well up with tears as TG steps in to assess her situation). He tells her not to lose herself in the design and that the feathers don’t look integrated into the dress. But then he goes into full-on papa bear mode, and tells her to clear the tabletop and look at the whole thing like a paper doll and just play. Say it with me: Awwwwww.

Christopher tells his client that she is the hotness. She looks like an upside-down Jiffy Pop. Nicolas says his outfit is one of the most hideous things he’s ever made but tells his client she looks fabulous. Logan says his pant outfit is disastrous but his client loves it. Such deceit! It’s almost poetry that the garments fueling these lies are wedding dresses.

Almost.

LET’S START THE SHOW
Dame Michael Kors is back (whew), Zanna Roberts from Marie Claire (who is not Nina) is, too. And the president of Jimmy Choo, Tamara Mellon is in tow. Luckily for the scissor monkeys, this challenge has nothing to do with shoes. Sigh.

Irina thinks her tiered metallic coffee-bronze lace dress is the mostest. It isn’t. Shirin, with her stitched black-trimmed ivory number is happy her client doesn’t have feathers and Mermanites in her wake.

Logan’s wool trousers (which would be fine had he been costuming a hobo in a Broadway musical) pair awkwardly with a ruffled vest that could have doubled as the shirt worn by the operatic fish-throwing Muppet. You know the one.

Carol Hannah’s blue-gray tiered strapless dress with a jacket is short enough to show off her client’s legs. And Althea’s blue ribbon-embellished dress is fine. Dirndl, dwindle, dawdle. Nicolas’ tuxedo shtick is hell on the poor client. And Gordana Huffington makes an asymmetrical silver strapless fitted dress with diagonal seams. It’s very Tara Lipinski gone slut. Very Naughty and N’ice Capades.

Christopher’s tinfoil ball rolls onto the runway. Roll it back, friend. And Epperson’s corseted trench dress looks like a bottle of Clorox was spilled on a box of costumes from “Pirates of the Caribbean.” The challenge was to make these gals look sexy, not swarthy, my good man.

The judges love Gordana Huffington’s dress. Choo girl thinks Christopher’s dress is too much crumple and Dame Kors says it’s like a cinched metallic hefty bag. Yup. Heidi describes Epperson’s dress as “Oktoberfest” (it isn’t).

Shirin throws her client under the bus by mocking her half-breed request. Her client (who reminds me of Sister Christian Siriano‘s obnoxiously sassy prom client from season four) says her dress is a little safe but it’s beautiful. It’s the same dress that she started with, just with black stitching. Meh. Michael says he loves a girl in a “half-breed moment,” and I couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the evening.

Logan’s tux again rekindles Klumbot’s days in Germany. “Another Oktoberfest moment,” she giggles. I’ve been to Oktoberfest — have you, Heidi? Irina’s lace dress gets raves because it’s age appropriate and the color is in right now.

Vom.

Twist ending! Gordana Huffington’s slutty figure skating garment wins the gold! Triple toe-loop!

Which means it’s down to Epperson (who has an aesthetic, clumsy as it may be) and Christopher. See ya … Epperson? Guess he didn’t stick the landing.

And there we have it. The judging this season is impossible to make heads or tails of because, well, the judges aren’t there half the time. Rotating critical eyes doesn’t make for cohesiveness.

Isn’t that one of your favorite words, Neena?