As Dull as Rusty Scissors: 'Hair Battle Spectacular,' Series Premiere
Oxygen’s latest reality offering, “Hair Battle Spectacular,” is not spectacular. For a show that’s supposed to be as glossy and glamorous as the fantasy hairstyles it depicts, it’s as dull as a rusty pair of scissors — and just as painful to deal with.
Premiering on Oxygen on Tuesday, Aug. 10, at 10 p.m., the show looks at the competitive world of fantasy hair, where an electric (hair) guitar or a bouquet of tropical (hair) flowers might grace a regal head. A styling niche that Chris Rock observed in his 2009 documentary “Good Hair,” this avant-garde world amps up Princess Leia’s bagel twists about a million notches, with dyed extensions, chicken wire and hot glue creating statuesque works of art. Think Lady Gaga and you’ll be on the right track.
“Good Hair” captured both the glamour and the cutthroat competition of showcases like the Bronner Bros. International Hair Show, where Derek J, a judge on “Hair Battle Spectacular,” was a contestant. In contrast, “Hair Battle Spectacular” is disappointingly low-budget and campy, lending a cheap feel to the proceedings.
While it’s commonly accepted that MTV reality shows like “The Hills” are probably scripted, at least their production values are high. Everything about “Hair Battle Spectacular” seems like it was done on a sadly small budget, from tools to extensions to the models’ high-school-drama-department wardrobes.
It would be unfair to judge Oxygen purely on the fact that their network doesn’t have as much disposable income as MTV. But the entire premise of “Hair Battle Spectacular” is one of fantasy and illusion, so having the show not reflect that makes it kind of a downer.
Much like Bravo’s “Shear Genius,” “Hair Battle Spectacular” gathers successful hair stylists together, pits them against one another in various challenges and eventually crowns one as the victor, with a prize of $100,000. But while “Shear Genius” had logically chosen judges, like Charlie’s Angel Jaclyn Smith, who was known for her gorgeous locks, “Hair Battle Spectacular” is helmed by host Brooke Burns (from “Baywatch” and the remake of “Melrose Place”), who seems to have no known connection to fantastic hair.
And then there are the 10 contestants, some “of the country’s most talented hair designers,” according to Burns. Good luck remembering all their dumb nicknames: There’s Minista, who is an ordained minister and went on tour with Madonna; Nate, a.k.a. Tsunami; Moira, a.k.a. Fingaz; Valerie, a.k.a. Valley Girl; Bryson, a.k.a. Boss, because he’s “always the tyrant”; Josh, a.k.a. Roo, with a huge beard and curly moustache; Keleigh, a.k.a. Malibu, who looks like a Barbie doll crossed with Audrina from “The Hills”; Lexi, a.k.a. Sexi Lexi; Tara, a.k.a. Cajmonet, an infuriating spelling of “Cash Money”; and Jerome, a.k.a. J-Rok.
But the names are just the tip of the annoyance iceberg. Sure, the first two tests, the “Check Up from the Neck Up” quick challenge and the “Glam Slam” elimination challenge, yield some interesting results, as the contestants have to create hair with two items they brought from home and then emulate their favorite drink, respectively. But the results just aren’t that impressive: Minista creates a pair of headphones from a huge Styrofoam cylinder, but has to hold up the hairpiece because it doesn’t stand on its own; Fingaz’s huge sphere of black hair and tall cylinder of neon red hair, meant to each symbolize pregnancy and the tower of success, seems completely disjointed. Nevertheless, award-winning fantasy hair stylist Derek J — who dons an olive green one-piece satin romper and red high heels and rocks some serious moose knuckle — doesn’t call out Minista’s incomplete work, and praises Fingaz’s creation, giving her the win. What the hell is going on here?
The craziness continues during the Glam Slam, which brings together Burns and Derek J with judge Lindsay Albanese, a celebrity stylist, and guest judge Grady Purtle, a mixologist. The challenge is to create a hairstyle based on the contestant’s favorite drink, which must then hold the liquid while the models walk around a boxing ring. One model is dressed as a gigantic Bloody Mary with walk-of-shame-inspired smeared makeup and shoddy clothes, while others resemble hairy coconuts and skanky saloon girls. Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.
Where’s the glamour, the glitz? Probably on the fourth season of “Shear Genius,” whenever that arrives. Until then, don’t spend your time watching “Hair Battle Spectacular.” The show is undeniably a hair “don’t.”
Written by Express contributor Roxana Hadadi
Photos courtesy Morgan DiStefano with NBC Universal
