The New Crew: 'American Idol' Judges Set Lofty Goals
I’m not going to lie and tell you I watched all two hours of the “American Idol” premiere Wednesday, because audition segments are not my thing. My thing is: Watch the 12 or so finalists and decide if it’s worth commiting to the new cycle.
Yet how could I not tune in? In case you have forgotten, “The wait is over.” Also, “Forget what you think you know. The best is yet to come.”
And then the show made believe that we viewers somehow didn’t know who the new judges would be in the post-Simon Cowell era. Of course we know! Even camel herders in Mongolia know! The judges are rocker Steven Tyler and singer/dancer/actress Jennifer Lopez. Steven Tyler’s goal as a judge: He is “thirsty and hungry to find a Janis Joplin for this era.” In case you are too young to know what that means, it means he wants to find a white female blues singer with a gruff voice who will sadly perish from a drug overdose.
Jennifer Lopez’s goal is to be a “compassionate” judge because, as she boldly states, “I am not in the business of crushing spirits.”
No one knows whether Steven Tyler will achieve his goal. But Jennifer Lopez, you already need to find a new goal. You quashed the spirit of a girl with an accent who sang an outrageous Madonna cover. You and Steven and holdover judge Randy Jackson told the girl she could not sing well. And then, J-Lo, in a moment of painful self-examination, cried sorrowful tears, realizing how awful it is to crush young souls. “Why did I sign up for this?” she declared, sounding like the doomed heroine in a Greek tragedy. Miss Lopez, if media reports of your salary are accurate, I will take this moment to point out that there are TWELVE MILLION REASONS WHY!!!!!!
Perhaps her new goal is to be the alpha judge, based on her take charge statements like “So what do we think here? What do we think?” And also based on her magnificent tossing of her magnificent hair.
So let the tryout singers sing. Let Jennifer’s husband Marc Anthony wonder what she is thinking when she makes flirty eyes at a male singer and tells him, “You are cute.” Let Steven Tyler, self-confessed snorter of the prescription sleep aid Lunesta in his past druggie life, entertain us with quotes from his colorful past: “Hell fire, save matches, let’s see what hatches.” (I believe the Fox censors bleeped the portion of this comment that refers to intimacy with a duck.)
Let us grow accustomed to this new trio of judges. And let us be grateful that Steven Tyler has a soul patch so he can be readily distinguished from the similarly coiffed Jennifer Lopez. And indeed, let us see what hatches.
Written by Express contributor Marc Silver
Photo by Michael Becker/FOX
