“Hollywood Heights” is a gift from Nick at Nite to lovers of truly bad TV.
The soap, airing weeknights at 9 p.m., is a masterpiece of inane plotting. There are teens who want to be rock stars and/or burglars, snippy young adults and horny parents.
James Franco occasionally portrays a “freakin’ genius” movie mogul. (Talk about typecasting.) No doubt, he was drawn to the brilliantly ludicrous dialogue. Some samples:
Clinic staffer Ellie and her boss just had sex in his office.
Ellie: “You’re saying you and I are involved?”
Boss: “Yes, in a way.”
Ellie: “I hope we can do this again soon.”
Singer Chloe confronts her bedraggled mom.
Chloe: “I’m embarrassed of you.”
Mom: “Your own mother?”
Chloe: “You don’t know the meaning of that word.”
This kind of dialogue doesn’t write itself. My theory is that a team of monkeys retypes the worst lines from scripts of past soap operas.
Even if “Heights” isn’t your kind of show, give credit where credit is due: With a cast of dozens of mediocre thespians, the series is doing its bit to lower the U.S. unemployment rate.