Niels Hoven: The Style Invitational Years

FROM 1997 TO EARLY 2005, "Beauty and the Geek" contestant and Silver Spring native Niels Hoven was a fixture of The Post's weekly Style Invitational contests. Here, we present every Niels submission that ran in the Invitational. Among the highlights: Niels convinces the Invitational to help him run for president of Montgomery Blair High School's student council (a week later, he placed second in his own contest), Niels writes an inspirational poem about worms, and Niels reveals an early affinity for the female torso. As Niels moved from Silver Spring to Houston to Australia to Berkeley, he continued to place in Invitationals. Until Jan. 16, 2005. What happened?

January 16, 2005
Report from Week 589, in which we asked you to combine the beginning of one word in the Dec. 19 Style Invitational with the end of another word, and define the result.
Micro-rection: The leading explanation for the continued popularity of overpriced sports cars. (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.)

December 26, 2004
Report from Week 586, in which we sought variations on "If God …" jokes.
If God didn't want fat people to wear thongs, He wouldn't have invented shoehorns. (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.)

May 9, 2004
Report from Week 553, in which we asked you what was going on in these pictures.
I understand the Invitational's need for a token minority character, but did he have to be preparing food while whistling Dixie? (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.)

April 11, 2004
Report from Week 549, in which we asked for novel units of measure:
The doh: A measure of the career-endingness of an action, such as sticking a doughnut into a nuclear reactor. 1 kilodoh = 1 stewart. (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.)

May 26, 2002
Report from Week CXVIII, in which we asked you to tell us how any two of these cartoons were related.
If you hit A with C, you know what amore feels like. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia, Megan Lewis, Wheaton; Niels Hoven, Houston)
C and G: No matter how much you enjoy garlic-anchovy pizza, giving it to your wife for your anniversary will cause you to become familiar with G. (Niels Hoven, Houston)

March 10, 2002
Report from Week CVII, in which we asked you to tell us what was happening in any of these cartoons. Many people suggested that Cartoon 5 was "a woman listening to the can-can."
Always one for complicated solutions to simple problems, Lois has just noticed that her clothes are on inside out. (Niels Hoven, Houston)

July 8, 2001
… in which we asked you to take any word, put a portion of it in "air quotes" and redefine the word.
Lu"men": A measure of dimness. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
Ro"man"ce: Nice shoes. Let's have sex. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

June 17, 2001
… in which we asked you to explain the difference between any two items in a list we provided.
The difference between laser eye surgery and Eminem is that not everyone experiences irritation from laser eye surgery. (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia)

June 10, 2001
… in which you were asked to come up with a sign of a dire condition, and then a sign of further deterioration thereof.
Second Runner-Up: Sign a horse trainer might not know what he is doing:
The jockeys on his horses are too big.
Sign a horse trainer really might not know what he is doing:
. . . and they're made by Fruit of the Loom.
(Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia)

May 27, 2001
… in which we asked you to describe a movie in such a way as to get a guy to see a chick flick, or vice versa.
"The Godfather" -- A devoted son tries to live up to his father's expectations. (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia)

May 13, 2001
… in which we asked you to drop letters from the sign of an actual business to create a new establishment.
THE WASHINGTON POST to HASH N POT: Products sold for novelty purposes only -- eds. (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia)

April 22, 2001
… in which we asked for a blurb recommending a book or movie that would actually discourage people from reading or seeing it.
Fourth runner-up: Finally, a sensible diet plan based upon eating less and exercising more! (Niels Hoven, Campertown, Australia)

April 15, 2001
… in which we asked for rhyming poems based on articles in the March 18 Post:
'The Trouble With ADHD'
When Timmy first could not sit still
We thought we'd fix him with a pill.
"But times have changed," the doctor said,
And prescribed a smack upside the head.
(Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia)

March 19, 2000
REPORT FROM WEEK IV, in which you were asked to design an icon to replace the 1-to-4-star system for rating things, and then use that icon in rating some quality by degrees of intensity.
Second Runner-Up:
Icon: Different species of horned animals.
Measures: The amount of testosterone in a person.
One doe: Mary Tyler Moore in the role of Mary Richards.
One billy goat: Your average NFL linebacker.
One fully grown pronghorn antelope: The guy out with your teenage daughter right now. (Niels Hoven, Houston)

March 5, 2000
REPORT FROM WEEK III, In which we asked you to take any ordinary word, place a portion of it in "air quotes," and then redefine the word.
Gl"ass"es--X-Ray Specs. (Niels Hoven, Houston)

February 27, 2000
Report from Week II, in which you were asked to come up with inept romantic sentiments for Valentine's Day.
* Second Runner-Up: I love you for what's inside, except of course the chewed food sitting in your digestive tract in various stages of decomposition. (Niels Hoven, Houston)

February 20, 2000
Report from Week I, in which you were asked to come up with a replacement for The Czar of The Style Invitational, name him, describe how he or she would change the contest, and give an example of one contest with the selected winner.
THE GEEZER OF THE STYLE INVITATIONAL -- MY CONTEST WILL APPEAR IN LARGE, EASY-TO-READ TYPE, AND IT WILL MINE THE "GOOD OLD DAYS" OF VAUDEVILLE FOR CLASSIC HUMOR. SUBMIT ALL YOUR ENTRIES BY 6 P.M., BECAUSE I GO TO BED AT 7 AND RISE WITH THE CHICKENS, BY CRACKY. Sample Contest: COME UP WITH A JOKE THAT A WHIPPERSNAPPER WOULDN'T GET. WINNER: WHY WAS RUFUS AFRAID TO USE THE OUTHOUSE? BECAUSE HE WAS TOO MUCH OF A PUSHOVER. SUBMIT YOUR ENTRIES BY TELEGRAM.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Niels Hoven, Houston)

April 18, 1999
Report from Week 315, in which we asked you to write a rhyming poem about any one of five mundane subjects: cheese, bellybuttons, Nyquil, the lint trap in a dryer, or U.S. Trade Representative Charlene Barshefsky.
And the winner of the ashtray from Graceland:
When I ran over our pet hamster
I felt like such a fool.
How could I undo this mess
Ere the kids returned from school?
A little daub of Mr. Clean
Took bloodstains from the tire.
And the hamster was replaced
From the lint trap in the dryer.
(Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

February 21, 1999
Report from Week 307, in which we asked you to come up with modern, rhyming two-line cautionary couplets, in the style of "Red sky at morning / Sailors take warning" or "Leaves of three / Don't touch me."
Stain on the dress?
You gotta confess.
(Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

February 14, 1999
Report from Week 306, in which we asked you to come up with ways to make various Washington institutions more youth-friendly.
Metro cars: Eliminate floors. Riders must dangle from the ceiling rails, turning every commute into Xtreme Flirtation With Death. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

January 31, 1999
Report from Week 304, in which we asked you to come up with inspirational signage to be placed outside local offices or business establishments.
Washington National Cathedral: We Practice Safe Sects. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

January 10, 1999
Report from Week 301, in which we asked you to write captions to any of eight cartoons we supplied.
Cartoon F: A classic misinterpretation of the use of the word "cursor." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

October 25, 1998
Report from Week 290, in which we asked you to create new theories and rules to explain life.
The better-looking the prostitute, the better the chance that she's a he. Not that I would know or anything. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

October 18, 1998
This Week's Contest was proposed by Niels Hoven of Silver Spring, who wins a bottle of doe urine. Since lawmakers are discussing coupling censure of the president with a penalty, Niels suggests that you help them out by proposing appropriate punishments.First-prize winner gets a rather astonishingly tacky beaded and mirrored elephant purchased at the rather astonishingly tacky South of the Border, and donated to the Style Invitational by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who wins a pair of deer-gutting gloves.

Report from week 289, in which you were invited to submit entries to any previous contest, ideas you may have thought of after the contest deadline had passed.
Silver linings: Blindness: You can get two glass eyes, which makes all the glass-eye pranks twice as funny. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

October 11, 1998
Report from Week 288, in which we asked you to supply captions to any of eight cartoons.
Unfortunately, Alex misunderstood the club's request for a "bouncer." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

October 04, 1998
Report from Week 287, in which you were asked to replicate the "Before and After" game from Wheel of Fortune, beginning with a name and adding to it a word or expression that creates a bridge of words.
Marco Polo for Ralph Lauren -- Acquires goods cheaply in Asia, then sells them for an astronomical profit. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
Attila the Hunchback of Notre Dame -- Nobody made fun of him. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

September 13, 1998
Today's Contract Fine Print No One Reads was written by Niels Hoven of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Who are three public figures whose past campaigns have fizzled? (Ralph Scott, Washington; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

September 06, 1998
Report from Week 283, in which you were asked to come up with Uh-oh lines, phrases that are likely to be followed by bad news.
From the IRS: "And that is when we noticed something interesting ..." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
From your kid in college: "I really think the definition of cult is so arbitrary these days. . ." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

August 30, 1998
Report from Week 282, in which you were invited to take any story from that day's Post and append to it a snide comment. More than twenty people responded to this headline: Husband of Accused Child Killer Misses Her with some variation of this: Perhaps he should buy a better scope.
Stabbed in the Montgomery? Man, that's gotta hurt. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
Grandparents Fighting for Time With Children
And you thought ESPN couldn't sink any lower. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
Families Meet, Cry, Connect: Girl's Relatives Come Together
You gotta love them West Virginians. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

August 09, 1998
Report from Week 279, in which you were asked to write treacly inspirational poetry. Terrific winners. As usual with poetry, there was some fairly heavyhanded editing for rhyme, meter, content, logic, humor, etc.
And the winner of the framed photograph of William Howard Taft on the back of a very beleaguered-looking horse :
A saddened young trichina worm
Sits in waste abuzz with with flies
"How can I ever save the world
Stuck here, in this?" he cries.
But soon he got his break in life
By way of too-rare pork
When he entered someone's body
On the meat upon her fork.
Then the lass went shopping
At her local grocery store
She bought a nice fresh cantaloupe
(She could afford no more.)
Later, in her kitchen
Her intestines made their purges.
And as her gut was speared by pain,
She let go her recent purchase.
The bag landed on the counter
Out the window flew the melon
It fell twelve stories through the air
And conked an escaped felon
The woman's pain receded
And soon she bought a Ford.
'Cause for the nasty felon
There was a nice reward.
Alas, the crook had no such luck
In fact, his time was up; he
Breathed his last, but his kidneys
Saved a starving orphan's puppy.
Because the puppy didn't die
The orphan kept his hope.
His faith in God was strengthened
He grew up to be the pope!
So remember life's great lesson:
To yourself be true.
Whether you're a pontiff
Or a squirmy worm in poo.
(Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

July 26, 1998
Report from Week 277, in which you were asked to offer new, exciting blurbs that would help sell classic works of film or literature to modern audiences.
Fourth Runner-Up -- A lovely young girl escapes from a cannibal and flees into a forest, where she sleeps with seven men: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

July 05, 1998
Report from Week 274, in which we asked you to pose as the comics editor of the New Yorker, and explain why these six inscrutable cartoons were funny.
This is a statement about appearances, sexuality and the amusing lengths to which declasse women will go to please men. In an effort to simulate cleavage, the woman has drawn a "V" on her chest with a magic marker! (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

June 07, 1998
Report from Week 270, in which we asked you to come up with four-line palinodes, poems that begin by retracting something written in a previous poem.
Jack wasn't nimble, nor was he quick,
No stranger was he to scandals.
One day he leapt two flames at once,
And burned his end at both candles.
(Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

May 31, 1998
Report from Week 269, in which you were asked to help the Business Improvement District come up with helpful signage to alleviate problems in downtown D.C.
Problem: Prostitution.
Solution: "City Not Responsible for Transvestites." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

May 24, 1998
This week's contest: All of the above quotes are attributed to Yogi Berra. In honor of Yogi's new book, "I Never Said All the Things I Said," John W. Manley of Alexandria suggests that you come up with new Yogi-isms. The thing that makes a Yogi-ism work is that it seems to make sense, but collapses like a souffle when you poke it a little. John wins a dollar bill hereby assessed as a fine upon Niels Hoven of Silver Spring, in punishment for whining about not receiving a prize for a previous contest proposal. Niels must mail the buck directly to John, or suffer the consequences. First-prize winner receives "Are You Hungry Tonight?" an elegant hardcover book featuring Elvis's favorite recipes, including "burnt bacon and mustard sandwiches," macaroni and cheese, kale and cheese, potato cheese soup, cheeseburgers, and, finally, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches with, of course, "cheese." This is worth $20.

May 08, 1998
The April make-up-a-word challenge.
Jocklaw: Niels Hoven.

April 12, 1998
Report from Week 262, in which we asked you to help Niels Hoven, a junior at Montgomery Blair High School, come up with a knock-'em-dead line to use when he runs for student government president. But first, a response to letter writer John Kaluta of Silver Spring. Mr. Kaluta is the student government adviser at Montgomery Blair, a man who understandably takes student government a bit seriously. To Mr. Kaluta, we apologize if this contest seems to exhibit disrespect for student government. It is just that when we were in high school -- which happened to be the Bronx High School of Science (Motto: "Our Glasses Are as Thick as Sealy Posturepedic Mattresses") -- student government was the domain of pathetic doodyheads. We are sure things are vastly different now. We are sure student government types are now the hippest kids in school, self-confident, self-deprecatory, socially conscious, friendly, feisty, extremely personable pathetic doodyheads.
-- Third Runner-Up: I have established an open line of communication with the administration of this school. The principal and I have become very close since he started sleeping with my mom. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
-- Second Runner-Up: If we sell the organs of the student with the lowest GPA each semester, not only will we fill the treasury by the end of the year, but we can predict a rise in attendance and improved study habits. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
-- First Runner-Up: Just think, in 30 years I could be president of the United States and be having sex with your children! (Robin D. Grove, Arlington)

March 22, 1998
I ask only for your vote on election day. And if that is too much, me and the boys will administer a pistol-whipping you will never forget
I will never lie to you. Unless of course I am caught doing something really disgusting, like putting a mirror on my shoetops to look up girls' dresses
My opponent, while qualified, has a monstrously large behind
Most of you will see me standing up here and will say to yourselves, 'I like what he says, but I wonder what he looks like naked.' Well "
This Week's Contest was proposed by Niels Hoven of Silver Spring, a frequent winner of the Style Invitational who has long beguiled us with his naughty but urbane wit, elevating the general level of humor beyond the banal into new strata of wry, world-weary iconoclasm.
We have just now learned that Niels Hoven of Silver Spring is 17. A junior at Montgomery Blair High School, Niels says he has become so tired of humorless, platitudinous campaign speeches by student government weenies that he is going to run for office himself. He asks for your help in making his speeches more interesting. Design a line for Niels to deliver that will wake up a snoozing audience. First-prize winner receives a copy of a glossy Bangladeshi magazine called Full Moon, donated to the Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington. It is written entirely in Bengali. It is about the American scandal of the day. The cover features an obviously spliced photograph in which the president of the United States appears to be staring soulfully, with deep reflection, at Ms. Lewinsky's bosom. This is worth a great deal of money.

March 22, 1998
Report from Week 259, in which we asked you to take the actual phone numbers of area businesses and rewrite them into old fashioned word-exchanges, a la BUtterfield 8.
U-Haul of Rockville -- FErtilizer 0-6347 (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

March 15, 1998
Report from Week 258, in which we asked you how you would use any of five super powers.
I am not sure what I would do, but it certainly would not involve the dressing room of a Victoria's Secret store, ogling the forbidden flesh as it passes inches from my face, tantalizing me, begging to be seen but never touched. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
If I were invisible -- Late at night just before the press run, I would sneak into the offices of the Style Invitational and insert my stupid, humorless, illogical entry into the "And Last" slot. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

March 01, 1998
Report from Week 256, in which you were asked to come up with modern punny riddles to help the Thomas W. Pyle Middle School update its quizzes.
Nun of the Above. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

February 22, 1998
Report from Week 255, in which you were asked to tell us what any of seven cartoons had to do with the ongoing presidential scandal.
Intern applicants without knees were sent home. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

February 08, 1998
Report from Week 253, in which you were asked to enter one of four simple contests. The catch was that instead of "humor and originality," the criterion for choosing the winners was "lamest attempts at humor."
Newton's law of gravitation states that the attractive force between two bodies is equal to G*m1*m2/d*2. However, the gravitational pull on the board in this cartoon appears to be equal on each extremity, even though one end is clearly a greater distance from the fulcrum! (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

January 18, 1998
Report from Week 250, in which you were asked to complete the sentence "Wouldn't it be great if …„
The FDA's new truth-in-advertising regulations required a vegetarian sub to be actually made from a vegetarian? (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

December 21, 1997
Report from Week 246, in which we showed you several contraptions and asked you to tell us how they worked. Niels Hoven of Silver Spring wins a T-shirt for a bawdy entry that we briefly considered printing until we were informed that the consequences would involve (1) published apologies to the readers by Donald Graham and (2) an abrupt termination of our employment, possibly via the discharge of a firearm.

December 07, 1997
Report from Week 244, in which you were asked to create new words, and define them, by combining two halves of different hyphenated words found in any article in that day's Washington Post.
Semi-speak, n., the ridiculous voice-over censorship when an R-rated movie is edited for TV, and some toothless street person with scars and tattoos says "oh, darn." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

October 26, 1997
Report from Week 238, in which you were asked to come up with Bart Simpson variety blackboard promises, for yourself.
It is "Hello, Mr. President," not "Tremble before me, puny mortal." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

October 12, 1997
Report from Week 236, in which you were asked to supply captions to any of five cartoons we provided.
This clock is indicating that it is "one of." See, when people ask me the time, I tell them "It's one of," and then they ask me "One of what?" and I say, "One of the reasons you should get a watch." Hahaha. Okay, forget it. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

September 14, 1997
Report from Week 232, in which you were asked to come up with an alphabet primer for the 1990s.
S is for Snot, which one's nose doth ooze,
T is for Twenhafel, who is not amused.

July 20, 1997
Report from Week 224, in which you were asked to tell us what was wrong with any of five cartoons.
The gas station's air hose is intended for the convenience of the customers, not their entertainment. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

June 01, 1997
Report from Week 217, in which you were asked to disprove the old maxim that there are no dumb questions.
Why doesn't it tickle when I tickle myself, but it hurts when I stick a fork in my eye? (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

March 30, 1997
Report from Week 208, in which you were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton's commission on the moral and practical effects of cloning.
Do clones taste like chicken? (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Photo courtesy The CW

Posted By Holly Morris at 10:28 AM on January 12, 2007 Tagged in Styles

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