Baggage Check: A BlackBerry Relationship

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Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

My boyfriend is on his cell phone or computer all the time. He says it's for work, but, of course, it turns into checking sports scores and playing games. I feel like he's not really there when he's there. It seems to go beyond the computer, too. He's always looking to see who else came into the restaurant, or messing with his phone under the table. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he gets defensive. I don't know how to handle this. — DISGRUNTLED IN THE DISTRICT

Like someone with flimsy tongs and a smorgasbord of raw meat, first you have to figure out what it is you actually want to handle.

If you’re hoping to get him to do a big turnaround, then, in the words of the Magic 8 Ball, "Outlook not so good." Not because people can't change, but because your guy doesn't seem to want to. If you're hoping to figure out how to adjust to his not budging, that also seems like an uphill battle. I'd have a hard time telling someone to get used to feeling neglected and ignored.

If this is his style — hard-driving, competitive, more of a BlackBerry than champagne-and-strawberries man — you'll probably see bigger incompatibilities down the road. If this is a temporary fixation or an alterable habit, though, it might have a better prognosis. The catch? He still has to want to change. Assess how big a part of him this behavior really is. Then you decide what you're willing to accept, he decides how close he's willing to come, and you drill it all together (hardware sold separately) and see whether the new relationship structure bears the weight of you both.

I'm pretty positive that I’m being edged out of my group of friends. Lately, they don’t always save a seat for me at lunch. They make jokes that don’t include me and they don’t bring me into conversations. What should I do? — ANONYMOUS

Talking to the one you trust most and explaining the not-so-tasty-lunch vibe would be a good first step. This should not be confused with begging them to treat you better — they don't deserve you if they're pulling this for no good reason. But you do need to make sure there hasn't been a misunderstanding. Barring that, I'm afraid this might be one of those situations in which people show the limits of their worthiness, and you might need to consider branching out. I hate to take a line from "Maddening Cliches of Advice Columns" (now in paperback!) but to meet new people, the best bet is to seek out some activities that interest you. It's a two-for-one, with the chance to make like-minded friends as the bonus.

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express