Baggage Check: Breaking Up With Objectification

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Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I'm wondering whether I could benefit from therapy. I am 26. When I look at the men I've dated, virtually all have placed enormous value on my appearance. I admit I enjoy being considered sexy and attractive. But my physical relationships have always seemed more substantial than any kind of emotional connection. I was with the last guy for three months, and the week before we broke up he forgot I'm allergic to peanuts. Is this a pattern I could escape?
— TIRED

CERTAINLY — by making them carry your EpiPen!

Seriously, you sound like you could get a lot out of talking to someone. You have insight into a pattern, and you'd like it to change — those two factors alone are worth their weight in couch-time gold. A good therapist could help you figure out why you seek out these guys, what it is that they reinforce in your beliefs about yourself, and how that all connects to who you've been and who you want to become. Most likely, there's some part of feeling valued in a physical way that packs an emotional punch for you — due to something in the way your life has played out — and that keeps you going back for more, despite the lack of end-of-the-day satisfaction.

My girlfriend and I have been talking marriage for quite a while. Lately, she's been pushing more and more, and instead of getting closer to marriage, I feel myself getting farther away. I've considered suggesting we take a break, but I know that would mean the end. But I don't like the direction we're going, and I'm tired of feeling pressure. Is this just a classic reason for a breakup or what? I really don't want to lose a good thing.
— TRAPPED

What do you mean by a good thing, exactly? Your potential with her? Her warm body? The ability to be the one who's the pursued, rather than the pursuer?

Your relationship, as it is now, is (with apologies to Martha Stewart) not a good thing. Feeling pressured is an inherently uncomfortable place to be. Ideally, as a relationship progresses, it should feel more comfortable and sustaining, not less. When someone is settling for unease because of fear, it's a sign they're not valuing their needs as much as they should be.

So, no, this doesn't have to be a breakup. But it does have to be a reality check. You have to open the lines of communication and reexamine your goals as a couple to see whether this impasse is a steel wall or just a piece of aluminum foil. If a reassessment and break would be the end, it makes me wonder why you seem to be the only one willing to bend in this relationship.

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express