Baggage Check: He Never Calls, He Never Writes

Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

My college-aged son has become increasingly distant and has chosen to spend the summer in a different city. We've always been very close, but now I hear from him so rarely I don't know what's going on in his life. I worry that something could be wrong. How do I get back in his life without being overbearing?
— CONCERNED MOM

THE FIRST THING to remember is that you are in his life. There's no need to make yourself feel worse by devaluing the role you play. Parents have to wear many hats — from various distances — throughout their children's development (my favorite is the fedora from two miles out).

I don't want to bust out the cliche that parents sometimes have a harder time than their offspring with separation anxiety, but, well, I just did. Less frequent contact and more physical proximity may be a healthy outgrowth of his emerging independence, whereas hostile secrecy and more overt attempts to push you away could be a sign of something more problematic. If you sense the latter or any huge mood shifts, hints of substance abuse or other self-destructive behavior, by all means, bring them up (gently) in an e-mail or phone call.

But if it's more of a garden variety "I'm finding my own way" process, you might just sweetly let him know you miss him and that you're excited enough about the paths he's carving for himself that you'd love to hear more about them.

I'm a high school student who's in D.C. for a college prep program and am worried about my roommate. She's a "wild child," which I am not, but even with that in mind I think she's out of control. I believe she's cutting herself, and I know she's done several drugs since being here. I don't know her well and don't know how to talk to her about this.
— NO NAME

No matter what anyone's thresholds for "wildness" is, drug use should set off an alarm bell, and cutting should bring on a full-scale fire drill. It's important you don't take on too much of this burden yourself, especially since you don't know her well and your time together is limited. You have to notify your resident assistant or counselor or whatever trusted authority has been provided to you as a resource for your program. That's the best way to be a friend, by keeping her safe.

You might feel like a snitch, in which case you can leave out the specifics of the drugs and focus on the cutting. Many people away from home for the first time want to test the limits — of authority, of their bodies and of their relationships. It's far better for someone to help establish those limits for her than for her to find them herself by doing irreparable harm.

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com or submit them anonymously here. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express