Couch Tomato: The Most Smartest of Them All

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Express' Arion Berger hits the high and low notes of the week (so far) in television.

NOTE: The shows described below have already been aired. If you've Tivo'd or DVR'd any of these shows, you will be spoiled.

» ARION [skipping through forest]: La-la-la!
» EXPRESS: Hello, Arion. Would you like to blog about TV?
» ARION: Would I? I love TV! [Robins land on her shoulders]
» EXPRESS: Terrif. How's about one column a week for no pay?
» ARION: It would be my pleasure. Oh, you silly fawn, stop licking my hand. La-la-la!
» EXPRESS: You know ... "Project Runway" starts in a couple of weeks, but it's too much work to do a regular blog about one show, especially on top of a general TV column. Isn't it?
» ARION: Oh, my, yes. I might, you know, mention it.
» EXPRESS: MwahahaHAHA!
» ARION: Come again?
» EXPRESS: Nothing. Carry on. Can I interest you in a shiny red apple?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I came to do two blogs for this site. "Runway Jury" can be found separately. This here is Couch Tomato. Welcome. Help yourself to Doritos.

UP:

You've never watched "America's Most Smartest Model" (Sundays, VH1), but it's the funniest faux-reality show since "Welcome to the Parker." In it, a semi-international bunch of really stupid male and female models compete in a mash-up of "Beauty and the Geek" and "America's Next Top Model," without the class of either of those shows. Yes, that was a joke.

There is a psycho Ukrainian named Andre who claims to speak five languages, although English doesn't appear to be one of them; a dude named Pickel; the world's stupidest Australian (Rachael) and a bunch of Zoolanders who stumble their way from ill-advised alliances to humiliating photo shoots. Ben Stein is a co-host. It is fully awesome and at the end of your life, you will gasp pleadingly that God give you those hours back you wasted watching it. But He will not.

Speaking of "Top Model," do you wanna be on top, as host Tyra coos in her "hit" single that is the show's theme? Then don't be Heather.

In the go-sees episode — traditionally the high point of every "ANTM" cycle — the gurlz had to hit various designers' lofts in Shanghai and make it back to home base by 6 p.m. Delicious bitchery ensued: Saleisha "Marky Ramone" pleaded wide-eyed ignorance when Bianca asked where a designer was located, even though Saleisha had just been there and it was in the same building. Chantal wore pink-and-black underwear to a go-see in which she was asked to wear a sheer dress, and the show actually flashed back to Miss J telling the girls to keep on neutral dainties for just such a contingency. Naughty Chantal!

Heather stepped out of her taxi and straight into Chinese Wonderland, wandering the streets in a daze with no particular sense of urgency. She was lost for hours, made her way to exactly one go-see, then lost her taxi! Then, both Jenah and Chantal at different points in the narrative spotted her still vaguely mooching about the Shanghai streets, quietly calling, "Mister taxi!," got out of their own cars to say hi-de-ho, got back in their cars and rode off.

"They should have a show called 'America's Next Top Bitch,'" said My Heterosexual Viewing Companion. "A bunch of dumb girls compete to see who can cut the others down most successfully. It's a million-dollar idea."

"You're watching it," I said. "If they were model material, they'd already actually be models."

"Yeah, but... 'Top Bitch.'"

He's brilliant about many things, just very, very heterosexual.

So, Heather, who has Asperger's Syndrome and is also kinda weird, in a winning way, on top of that, gets back 40 minutes late. The other girls are in hog heaven, because they might not be the sparkliest bras in Victoria's Secret, but they know what Heather doesn't: Her inability to express sufficient remorse over this transgression is a much bigger black mark against her, in Mama Tyra's eyes, than if she had, say, passed out on a set while wearing six inches of bondage leather. Oh, she did that, too. Mama Tyra's all about the feeling, and the personal pain and the confessing, and Asperger's patients are all about the numbers and the not looking people in the eye.

Sufficiently rattled, Heather bombs on the photo shoot. Jenah, also rattled — in this case by the very nearness of challenge photographer (and regular judge, and screaming hottie) Nigel Barker — puts on her sarcastic voice and sasses poor Nigel until he's red in the face. This man, child, is going to take pictures of your skinny ass. You might want to be nice. Plus, her teeth look like gardening shears.

Jenah and Heather are called to the bottom two and, to America's surprise, it's Heather who's given her walking papers, and she schlumps out of the building with as little emotion as she entered it. Man, she is beautiful. It's a crying shame.

"Grey's Anatomy" (Thursdays, NBC) Finally, Shonda Rimes excises the tumor that is the George-and-Izzy plot, and largely restores our interns-now-residents to their former glory. Meredith is whiny, selfish and indecisive; Christina is trying hard not to suck up to possible-lesbian-surgeon Hahn, who is awesome; Alex is macking on Mere's sister, which is just what all three deserve. Bailey is in charge again and turns in the best episode of the season, in which a white supremacist patient with a huge swastika on his abs requests a white, male surgeon and Bailey, dealing with a big ol' crash and lots of moaning people in need of cutting up, finds a way to honor her oath and keep her sanity. And if you remember what the Gracettes used to breezily call her beginning with the first season, suffice it to say that that nickname is no more.

"The Amazing Race" (Sundays, CBS) Is back. Tune in now, there is still time to catch up if you were put off by the Family Edition and the All-Star Edition and other furbelows. More to come.

"Shrek the Halls" (ABC) What could have been a cheesy, cynical holiday cash-in was a delightful little one-off from the fine folks at Dreamworks. I love Shrek's paternal reluctance giving way to his protective instinct, and that little cat just kills me. This was both a nice follow-up to the excellent "Shrek the Third" and a sweet half-hour to have around for the holidays.

No downs this week — it's that time of year.

Next week: I go out on a limb and give shows I don't like another chance. I'm looking at you, "Pushing Daisies."