Cook's Special: David Cook Wins 'American Idol'

THERE COMES A TIME in every reviewer's life when he must stand up and take his medicine.

Today's my day.

It's no fun to blog about a competition like "American Idol" without inserting some opinion, analysis and educated guesses into the mix. And my repeated strong assertions this week that David Archuleta would emerge the victor this season just go to show how flimsy even the most earnest attempt at an educated guess can be.

With a large slice of humble pie in hand, I present to you the season's final edition of Idol Chatter, wherein everyone who disagreed with me is proven right.

Mmmmm. Pie.

— GB

THIS IS IT. As the camera focuses in on the stage at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, we see what this competition — the months and weeks of rehearsals and broadcasts and prep, prep, prep — has come down to: two guys named David wearing white outfits and staring at each other.

One will go away this season's American Idol. The other will just go away.

Aaaaaand go on tour. And then probably release an album. And then guide his career wherever it may go.

Still, this broadcast is the final reveal in a contest that's shown us some stirring victories and agonizing defeats, but most of all, it's been a season most characterized by stunningly talented people who just couldn't bring those gifts to bear when it counted most.

We'll see plenty of them tonight. But first, we're stuck looking at Seacrest, who crows about Tuesday night's vote tally.

"You won't believe what has happened," he exclaims. "If every single person in Canada, Spain, Ireland and Australia voted last night, it still would not have matched our incredible vote. Here's the number: 97 and a half million votes came in. You didn't just break the record for the show, you smashed it by over 23 million."

How'd that ginormous slice of Americana break down? Seacrest's kind enough to tell us.

"One David received 56 percent of the vote," he says. "The other David received 44 percent."

Wow. That's a pretty clear win.

He tosses to the judges. If Hugh Hefner had a clothing line, and if that clothing line carried threads for the husky man, the outfit Randy has on would be one of the top sellers. He looks like the King of Hearts.

Paula's done up nicely in a pretty red dress. And she's set for some post-show nighttime jogging to if she wants it: her upper chestal area is so shiny that it would definitely keep any drivers, bicyclists or skateboarders from hitting her.

Simon looks like a disheveled British Paul Anka. I look at his ratty suit and think two words: pit stains. *Shudder*

Seacrest goes to live shots of the Davids' hometowns. The shouty Mikalah Gordon remarks on the heat in David Cook's Kansas City, Mo. stomping grounds. While Matt Rogers describes the scene in David Archuleta's home base of Salt Lake City as "the ultimate pep rally." These are two places I'd rather gnaw off my own foot than be on this particular evening, given the screamy, screechy crowds. And the lack of any real show going on there that you can't, y'know, see on TV at home.

SO, THEY THINK THEY CAN DANCE
The Top 12 are reunited! And they strut with the cast of "So You Think You Can Dance" to the peppy beat of "Get Ready." Near the middle of the performance, I'm getting ready for a migraine. The combination of the bright white outfits and the shiny stage are blinding, and the camera work is so frenetic in its attempts to capture both the singing by the Idolites and the dancing that it seems like it's being shot by the world's tiniest camera attached to a fly on Ritalin.

It's neat to see all the bygone Idolites back again. It seems like years since they've been here.

Ah, my favorite part of the "Idol" finale begins — Random Audience Shot Theater! When the staff of the "Idol" control room attempt to hike the show's coolness cachet by cutting to shots of celebrities. Our first victim: Teri Hatcher!.

DYNAMIC DUO
I never really liked the song "Hero," the song by Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott, made famous in 2002 by the "Spider Man" soundtrack. I've always thought of it as a nearly incomprehensible rasp-off.

But damnation is it a perfect song to have the Davids sing together.

David Cook's gruffness and Li'l David Archuleta's sonorousness meld in a thoroughly ear-pleasing way, and the two are able to tag-team on the song without either one looking awkward or sounding foolish.

Well done, "Idol." Well done.

ONE TO GURU ON
I watch the video of the Davids' "spiritual advice session" with Guru Pitka — the character Mike Myers (remember him?) plays in his new movie, "The Love Guru" — with some trepidation. And cynicism. How could this be any more than a straight-up commercial for Myers' movie?

Then, the action begins. David Cook plays along nicely as Myers cracks wise, but Li'l David looks like he's absolutely baffled by the entire experience. My favorite moment: When the guru says this to Li'l David: "You're so young, and yet soon, you'll have huge success. Also soon, you'll have hair in weird and wonderful places."

It's moments like that when I cringe for the poor guy. To be in your mid-20s and take some ribbing on national TV is one thing. But how many 17-year-olds want someone referring to them making "a boom-boom in your pullups" when not only their entire high school, but the whole world can see?

All in all, it was pretty funny. Until Myers appears on stage. That part isn't so funny. But it's pleasantly brief.

THE GUESTS ARE HERE
Third runner-up Syesha Mercado's up next, singing "Waiting for You" with Seal. Which has to be pretty cool for a gal who spent so much time trying to prove she still had a place on the "Idol" stage. It takes her a little while to loosen up. And in the meantime, he almost bungles the song's lyrics. I guess even the pros hit a bump now and then.

Jason Castro, the fourth runner-up, returns to the stage next, reprising his cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." When he first performed the song — which ranks as one of the most beautiful tunes I've ever heard — I hated it. And I was prepared to dog him for it again. But something about this performance is different. Maybe not being in the competition anymore allowed him time to really connect with the song. Maybe he got some professional coaching. Whatever the reason, tonight's is a moving rendition. There might be some hope for him yet.

Random Audience Shot Theater! Melinda Doolittle's at the show. What has Doolittle been doing since Season 6, anyway? You've got an amazing voice! Use it!

It's the final Ford entertainmercial of the season! The song: "Let the Good Times Roll." The plot: None — it's just snippets of the Idolites clowning around during previous Ford shoots. It's almost worth watching.

Almost.

It is, however, an exercise that pans out well for the Davids: they get free Ford Escape hybrids. Perfect for this age of ridiculous gas prices. At the Exxon station outside my window, the price of unleaded regular has soared to $3.99 a gallon. Almost $4. Trying times, my friends. Trying times.

GIRL POWER
The Top 6 gals sing the songs of Donna Summer. Brooke White, Kristy Lee Cook and Carly Smithson are in top vocal shape, but did somebody jam a sock down Amanda Overmyer's throat before the show? She sounds awful.

Donna Summer herself joins them onstage to sing some new song that's reminiscent of her old material, but not as catchy. She sounds damn good for her age. And she, too, duets quite winningly with Syesha.

GUY ... UM ... POWER
Ah, Bryan Adams rears his ugly head again as the Top 6 guys rawk out to "Summer of '69." And then "Heaven." And then, dear God, Bryan Adams himself appears. I haven't seen that guy on television since the early '90s. Apparently, he's used that time to morph into Sting. Weird.

Bo Bice! Dude, where are the real celebrities tonight?

Jordin Sparks (whom a friend of mine endearingly calls "Sasquatch") introduces us to the "American Idol" Experience, which is some sort of new theme park concoction at Walt Disney World in Florida. My guess is that it's probably some horrid stage show in which Ma and Pa Fanny Pack can get up on stage and give little Johnny or Janey something to talk about on their therapist's couch in 20 years. Lovely.

David Cook joins ZZ Top to perform "Sharp-Dressed Man."

I'm calling it: I think the original two bearded members of ZZ Top died years ago, and they've been replaced by a rotating crew of guys in costume.

By the way, poll of everyone under 30 who's reading this: Can you name a ZZ Top hit other than this one? Yeah, didn't think so.

Blake Lewis!

REMOTE CONTROL
We go back out to shouty Mikalah in Kansas City, who's bellowing at David Cook's music teacher. The teacher seems like a nice lady. Mikalah seems not to fit into her dress.

Brooke duets with Graham Nash on "Teach Your Children Well," which would have been a much more enjoyable performance if her gross dirty bare foot wasn't protruding from her dress right into my face. Damn you, HDTV.

It's a perfectly fine set otherwise. Brooke should stick to light fare like this.

I've never seen the Jonas Brothers perform live. And after their appearance on "Idol," I still haven't. I don't think I've seen lip synching that blatant since Ashlee Simpson's "SNL" hoedown. Thanks for nothing, guys.

VOTE FOR THE WORST
You knew this was coming, didn't you? It's the roundup of the very worst "Idol" auditions of the season. And they really did pick the very, very stinkiest. Who could forget Jared Wiley, the man who gave us the world's creepiest, lispiest Julie Andrews impression? Or Alexis Cohen, who may still someday emerge victorious?

And I still couldn't keep myself from laughing at James Lewis, no matter how hard I tried to remember that he was a nice guy. Was his tongue attached to the top of his mouth or something?

Dammit. It took me months to get Renaldo Lapuz's "Brothers Forever" out of my head. And there it is again. And there's Renaldo himself. And a high school band accompanying him? I don't know what kind drugs the "Idol" producer who came up with that idea was on, but they should order more for the whole staff. Brill-iant.

MUCH MORE MUSIC
One Republic performs that song I keep hearing on the radio and kinda like, but not enough to buy it or remember the name of their band. They're joined by Li'l David. It's too bad he can't hit the song's signature note.

Matt Rogers rejoins us from Salt Lake City, where he interviews Li'l David's grandpas. And offends one of David's aunts by suggesting she might be his grandmother. It was supposed to be a joke. But, uh yeah. That didn't work.

Jordin takes the stage. She sounds great, and looks worlds more confident than she did when it was her night in the "Idol" spotlight just a year ago. Imagine what a year of the kind of success she's enjoyed could do for the Davids.

Another skit. Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. pretend to be Pip wannabes trying out for Gladys Knight. The premise is funny. The execution is, too. For a minute. The rest, through the magic of my DVR, whizzes by me in a flash.

From the "Idol" alumni vault comes Carrie Underwood, who sings "Last Name." She's a good singer. But I'm not sure about wearing a fitted bedsheet on your arms as an accessory. I guess I've seen crazier trends. Remember jams?

The Top 12 perform one final time, starting with the gals singing George Michael's "Faith." Again, Amanda Overmyer seems completely off her mark. Has she been drinking from Paula's Coke mug?

Then, the guys sing "Father Figure," which flows into a full group performance of "Freedom 90." Which gives us this pair of ironic moments: 1) Li'l David singing, "Heaven knows I was just a young boy; didn't know what I wanted to be"; and 2) David Cook singing, "I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy, and I guess it was enough for me."

It might be the best group sing of the season. And, of course, George Michael himself joins them. With his giant sunglasses. He wears them at night. So he can so he can ... sound not at all like himself. His voice is strangely high and tinny in a way that can't be just the freaky "Idol" sound system getting all screwy. Has his age caught up to him?

It doesn't make the song he sings, "Praying for Time," any less mesmerizing, though.

REMAINS OF THE DAVIDS
We return from a commercial break with scant minutes left in our "American Idol" experience this season. And for David Cook and David Archuleta, this is the end of the road.

Final thoughts from the judges:

» Randy: "Great, great Season 7, man. You dudes brought it down to the wire. I'm so happy it's the two of you standing there. This has been one of the strongest years ever. And welcome to the duel, you're both winners. Both."

» Paula: "I'm honored and proud to be sitting here. You two are truly amazing. It's odd that it's called a finale when it's anything but a final. It's the beginning of the start of the destinies of your career. I'm so proud. And just remember, sometimes we think it's all about winning, but it's the things sometimes we lose that reminds us how truly special we are as people."

» Simon: "I want to congratulate both of you last night. Because I thought on the night it was a terrific show. I went back home to watch it. It wasn't quite so clear cut as we called it. And, in fact, um, David, um, I will take this opportunity to apologize because I was verging on disrespectful with you. And I don't think you deserved that. ... What I like about both of you is that you're tryers. And you've both given it your best, you're both very nice people, and for the first time ever, I don't really care who wins. I think you've both done terrific."

He means David Cook, by the way. Who's visibly stunned — as are we all — to hear an apology slip out of Simon's mouth.

Accountant Guy arrives on stage with the results in an envelope. He talks too much. Then, he's gone.

The Davids each put an arm around the other's shoulders, with Li'l David reaching a bit to span the vertical distance between himself and David Cook. The crowd goes wild. The lights dim. The Davids' heads bow. Then, they look up at each other.

The winner is ... David Cook.

I'm gonna have a lot of 'splainin' to do in the comments section of this post, I see.

David Archuleta looks stunned. But nobody's more stunned than David Cook, who gets emotional as crowds roar both in the Nokia Theatre and in Kansas City, where even Mikalah probably couldn't be heard even if she bellowed to her expansive lungs' full capacity.

Between bursts of emotion, David addresses the crowd.

"I started this season, much to Simon's chagrin, as the word nerd, and I am absolutely at a loss for words right now. Thank you guys. This is the ... this is amazing. Thank you."

And that's it. Although this reporter thought Li'l David Archuleta had this competition in the bag, David Cook showed that his perseverance, talent and creativity were enough to propel him 12 million votes ahead to the title.

The show had us all fooled. Even all the folks in the Idol Chatter Live chat who though David Cook was the better performer on Tuesday night but still said that he would still lose to Li'l David. Yeah, I'm taking you all down with me.

What spurred this result on? Maybe it was a backlash against David Archuleta, whose style earned him detractors just as readily as it did fans. Maybe it was the harsh criticism of David Cook from the judges, which motivated his fans to vote for him by the millions.

Or maybe David Cook's talent, his story and his heart touched enough people that they couldn't imagine voting for anyone else.

In any case, tonight's was a stunning decision. But, as Simon said, not by any means a disappointing one. After this season, I'm an admirer of David Archuleta's voice. But I'm a fan of David Cook's. If he plays a show in D.C., I might just be there. And I wouldn't say that of any other hopeful who's hit that "Idol" stage.

So what's next? David Archuleta won't wither up after this loss. He's got a phenomenal fanbase that's likely eager to hear anything he has to offer. A recording career's a certainty. He just needs to be sure that he chooses material that's right for him, makes decisions that allow him to grow his talent as well as his audience and follows his own heart and not the dictates of anyone behind the scenes.

Meanwhile, David Cook joins the ranks of folks like Kelly, Reuben, Fantasia, Carrie, Jordin and the others whose names will forever be linked with this phenomenon that lit up television screens during the first decade of the 21st century.

In other words, I don't think we've heard the last of either of these guys.

But we have, at least for this year, heard the final peep out of "American Idol." And after 65 posts in the past six months, your faithful blogger is ready to do whatever the hell it is he used to do with his Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and comment on our humble li'l output. Thanks also to Christopher Porter, who was tasked with editing these tomes twice a week.

If you'll allow me a shameless plug, I'll use this space to tell those of you who asked that I'll use my post-"Idol" time to write for Express' signature blog, Free Ride, which casts a sometimes wry eye on daily life in our nation's capital.

And if you liked Idol Chatter, just wait till you see what we've got planned for readexpress.com in the very, very near future. It'll knock your socks off.

Speaking of knocks, I know I'm due some for my pro-Archuleta prediction on Wednesday, so have at me. Also, let me know what you think about the decision. Was David Cook the right choice? And where will our favorite Idolites go from here? Let me know your thoughts below in comments.

Photos courtesy Fox

Posted By Greg Barber at 12:09 AM on May 22, 2008 Tagged in Arts & Events , Idol Chatter , Television , Top Columns

Comments (46) | Archive