Baggage Check: Hey, Dude, That's My Pew!

| Print Post This | Like (0) | Comments (0)

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

Last year I proposed to my girlfriend of three years. But then I cheated on her, and she found out. I immediately recommitted myself to my fiancée. Of course, the fact remains that I did cheat, and the hurt I caused her affects us to this day. We've both agreed to try to work through this, but we seem to take two steps forward and three back. I know there is no quick fix, but I was hoping you could you lead us to some reading material or relationship exercises or a list of help groups. — Please Help

I rarely get such a gleaming opportunity to tout the benefits of couples counseling — you'll have to give me a moment to compose myself. I'm just surprised you mention the idea of reading material, groups or relationship exercises when what you both are crying out for is one-on-two care. You have an important advantage: You're willing to work hard with the goal of your partner's happiness, but I think you also realize that neither of us can predict exactly how this will play out. Your cheating might be a symptom of basic, unchangeable incompatibilities, or it could be a big, sloppy, let's-leave-this-out-of-the-wedding-toasts blunder that nonetheless ends up helping you both change for the better, together. The only way to know is to give counseling a shot; she'll figure out what she would need to be able to get past this, and you'll figure out whether you can give it.

I recently started back at the church where I used to worship with my family and then-boyfriend, and found out that while I was away my ex came to church with his new love interest. I felt really foolish when I found this out, especially since I was sitting alone. He and I are now on better terms and have tried to reconcile, but this feels like a low blow — to bring his new woman to the place where we worshipped as a family. Should I look at it as a past transgression or as a slap in the face? —Divided in Rockville

How you view this depends on what you want to be: the woman scorned and screaming Alanis Morissette lyrics into her pillow, or someone who might reconcile with her possible life partner.

In other words, it's all about context. I don't see this as a horrible crime; one could argue that this was your ex-boyfriend's church, too, and it was natural for him to bring someone there who had become part of his life. On the other hand, if his other behavior puts him in the big leagues of jerkdom, then, indeed, you might view this as a slimy act (and could feel free to cue up "You Oughta Know").

But my guess is that if things are feeling better between you and there's even hope of getting back together, then it's the former. Do or do not reconcile with him on the basis of the big stuff — your relationship's merits, what kind of man he is, your shared beliefs for the future, and why you broke up in the first place. Methinks those matter a lot more than who he once sang some hymns with.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express