How to Maintain Your (Relative) Cool on Facebook

EVERYONE FACEBOOK STALKS.

Whether you check it once a day or hit the refresh button every few minutes, we know you're guilty of glancing at your college roommate's updated quotes. It's a social networking site, so you're entitled (unless you're a creep).

But Facebook isn't just for college kids anymore. It's growing up along with you. Here's how to age your profile gracefully, from college to the workplace to starting a family.

COLLEGE
» You graduated high school — congratulations. Now you no longer have an excuse to have "lol" and emoticons scattered throughout your profile. Delete them now.

» Avoid huge blocks of text. No one cares enough about your favorite movies enough to read through all 300 of them in alphabetical order. As college students, we want information, and we want it fast. Chances are we're just trying to find out if you're single or what your major is. Beyond that, we're more interested in the leftover pizza waiting for us in the refrigerator.

» Your profile picture should be of you, but at a distance, preferably taken somewhere far away from campus so you look worldy, and therefore cooler than you probably are. Don't buy into the trend of the "first football game" photo followed by the "Halloween costume photo" followed by the "family holiday" pic. That one of you next to a motorcycle is much cooler than a close-up of your "sexy kitten" costume.

» Ahh, relationship statuses: the quickest way to foster the false hopes or crush the secret fantasies of your recently added friends. "Single" can read as independent or desperate, depending on the way you portray the rest of your profile. (If you've joined the group "Awesome people who are single for no apparent reason," we'll know you're desperate). But "In a relationship" can seem committed or clingy, switching back and forth between "It's complicated" and "In a relationship" is a headache for the rest of us. Our advice? Don't list it. We'll think you're above the conventional constraints of defining relationships, and we'll commend you for it. Or we'll think you're just confused.

» Feel free to mock the political and religious views categories. (i.e. Religious views: David Sedaris). Just know you'll be judged by people, such as God.

» Unless you're from somewhere exotic (which doesn't include anywhere in the U.S.), don't put your hometown. Chances are people will know you're from Virginia the minute they see that your interests include Redskins football and note your membership in the group "You know you're from Virginia when...".

» Use the interests section to make your online persona seem deep and mysterious. Pick something obscure, but easy to relate to, like the name of your favorite campus coffee shop (preferably the one that is frequented by grad students and hipster drop-outs) or your favorite blog (note: if it's in your interests, it cannot be your own blog. You will seem narcissistic and self-indulgent and no one will want to be your friend).

» Don't get too angst-y and existential on us (yes, English majors, we're talking to you). If we have to Google your interests you'll seem intellectual and cool, but if it's not in the top three on the search results list we'll know you don't really know what it is either. And being interested in "spontaneity" is an oxymoron.

» You know all those zombie application invites you hate? Well, we hate them too. Stop. Sending. Them. In fact, avoid applications altogether. Each box in your profile that requires us to scroll down further automatically deducts points from your presumed IQ.

» To keep up the aura of elusiveness, don't list your activities. If they're "going to class" and "sleeping," we'll know you're a freshman. Save yourself time by getting rid of those now.

» If you choose to include TV Shows, Music and Books, don't have more than three of each, and try to be tasteful. "Grandma's Boy" may have made you laugh, but that doesn't make it Oscar-worthy.

» Don't give an in-depth biography in the About Me section. We're glad that you love your family and friends and you're just living life, but that doesn't mean we actually care.

» Friend lists should be the least discriminatory while in college. After all, that kid drooling on the desk next to you in your 8 a.m. econ lecture might be the ticket to your dream job 10 years down the line. Don't be too indiscriminate, though: you should have at least met the person in a social setting (and be able to remember his/her name). Feel free to purge your friend list if you feel it's getting too long. No one likes to be friended by a "friend whore," and the chances of you speaking to anyone you met during freshman orientation are very slim.

WORKING WORLD
» You made it to the real world of 40-hour (or more) weeks and a lot less vacation time. Along with your new job comes an expectation of maturity (or at least enough to get to work on time). Large blocks of text are now completely inexcusable. You don't need your new coworkers glancing at you over their shoulders when they see you're still a closet fan of '90s boy bands. Peruse their profiles to find out which of them to approach at the water cooler. It's always better to open a conversation with what happened on the last episode of "The Office" rather than the weather. "It's raining" just doesn't compare to a quip about Michael Scott.

» To bolster your newfound image of sophistication, get rid of those party pictures from freshman year. No one cares anymore that you were a beer-pong champion at the big tailgate party. Be professional. That doesn't mean you have to be boring, we just don't want to see pictures from your bar extravaganza on the night of your 21st birthday. There's no denying that alcohol is cool. Just keep it classy.

» Spend less time updating. Too much time on Facebook in college meant you procrastinated with the best, but now that mentality is a bit less acceptable. Yes, we know you're not constantly busy at your desk, but we don't need to see it on the news feed.

WEDDINGS
» You're getting married, congrats. Feel free to establish an actual relationship status. But do us a favor: leave it at that. We get that you're thrilled about combining assets, but that doesn't mean we need a continuous news feed about it. Bask in newlywed bliss privately, please. We'd rather not hear about how you're preparing to be a wifey or a hubby in your status updates. You're allowed one photo album for reception photos, preferably not just of the two of you kissing on the dance floor (you're in love, we get it). But we'd like to think that you're still the same person and not a branch of a unit. Once again, it's all about self-respect.

BABIES
» All right, the honeymoon's over and you're bringing home your first bundle of joy. One Facebook photo album per child, and maybe a profile picture featuring your perfect-looking family. That's all you get. Remember how embarrassed you were when your parents brought out your baby albums? Imagine your children finding them online (shiver).

Written by Express contributor Emily Barton