Live Free and Diet: Richard Simmons Hits Capitol Hill

RICHARD SIMMONS is smart as a whip.

Oh, the diminutive fitness guru knows what you're thinking. "I'm a clown; I'm a court jester," he says in his trademark superexcited voice during an extremely entertaining telephone interview with Express. "But this is serious. We're going to re-shape America." And he has all the facts, stats and stories at his fingertips and miles of enthusiasm in his arsenal.

Simmons will present this plan when he testifies before the House Education and Labor Committee's hearing on improving physical education in America's schools on Thursday. The fact that it's the federal government hosting this shindig holds no small irony for Simmons, who became interested in the subject after numerous e-mails to his Web site complained that the provisions of the No Child Left Behind act were gutting physical education programs in public schools. Kids were getting fatter, slower and lazier.

Richard Simmons to the rescue.

He calls his program an inexpensive way to get our tubby school-age citizens up and moving -- well, he didn't say "tubby," but he did punctuate the interview with frequent bursts of song in which he inserted the name of this reporter into various showtunes -- and grants that developing a penny-pinching program was a necessary step in expecting the feds to implement it.

"Everyone's been talking about it, but no one's come up with a solution," he said. "I've been doing this 36 years now, and I know what every kid needs what every adult needs -- they need cardio, they need strength training, and they need stretching. It's the way you package it for them, to make it fun, so that they can have a good time. It's about having a good time."

Many Americans don't consider cardio, strength training and stretching a good time, but Simmons draws an important distinction between the kind of workout that's supposed to be fun, and the one that's widely held to be miserable.

"I have to tell them that sports and fitness are two different things. I never did sports. I was never picked for the teams. I was fat and slow and a little lazy. Maybe 'Arion' is from 'West Side Story.'"

So, anyway, the point being that it's Simmons' very notoriety that makes him peculiarly well-suited to this task. In a landscape of fitness boot camps and cardio-drudgery, he has always been the short-shortsed fitness pixie of boundless energy and good cheer. Say what you will about his rep, the guy remains a workout guru while trendy gym programs come and go.

"Let's look at a football game," he continued. "You have 30,000 people in the stands watching, while a couple of dozen guys run around in bright-colored uniforms. But everyone can do what I am asking them to do."

And skills breed skills. "When you're doing exercise with kids, it's also great to see the social skills developing. And then they go back into our classrooms and they are more ready learn. ... A kid that moves is a kid that learns."

The hearing is well-timed -- concerns about childhood obesity are making headlines, and the food pyramid is being drawn, redrawn and fussed over. And all the while we're making our scales groan. Simmons is less interested in what we're eating than in where the calories go once they're ingested.

"The majority thinks it's their food. Let me tell you, we may not have had so much fast food 40 years ago, but where I grew up New Orleans, I could get an oyster po' boy down in about 6 minutes, which is pretty good for me. I want kids to have body freedom" -- it helps to hear his distinctive voice in your head while you read these words -- "where they go outside and breathe a little bit. We've gotta start it now; we don't have time to quibble over the program or wait until the next president comes in.

"The thing about these kids is they have low self-esteem. 'Arion -- say it loud and there's music playing!' Sorry. It has to be done now. ... I am serious. I had to buy a suit and shirt and tie for this."

Simmons is making sure everyone knows he'll be in town preaching on this subject. The hearing, which is open to the public, will be followed by a rally at noon at Independence and New Jersey avenues Southeast.

"At the rally, we're inviting everyone to bring the kids and make this country body-aware. I fuse those tools that God gave me in my classes, and I am so blessed to bring these tools to Washington, D.C. 'Oh, Arion, you're so fine/you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey, Arion!'"

» House Education and Labor Committee Hearing Room, 2175 Rayburn House Office Building; Thu., 10 a.m. (Capitol South)

Photos by Stephen Shugerman/Getty Images