The World's Strangest Dictator (Hint: It's Not Robert Mugabe)

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Last week, Slate had an article explaining why Teodoro Obiang — not Robert Mugabe — was the worst dictator in Africa. What ensued at my local watering hole, and I'm sure many others across the D.C. area, was a heated, beer-driven debate over who the worst dictators in history were.

Not surprisingly, "number of deaths caused" was the salient qualification, with Hitler, Stalin and Mao all vying for the top spot. But who was the strangest?

It's a tough question, but the criteria is simple. Candidates must be, or must have been, an authoritarian head of state with a record of paranoia, tyranny and irrationality. Sham elections are a plus, as is the development of a personality cult and a hatred for progress, opposition, animals, inanimate objects, science or colors. Ideally, the dictator will demonstrate delusions of grandeur so unabashedly deviant that if he wasn't supreme commander he would be committed. Simply put, the more your jaw drops when you read their history, the better. So without further ado, here are my top three:

Francois Duvalier (Haiti)

Bronze Medal

AKA: "Papa Doc"

Ruled: 1957-1971

Fine Stock: Born to a justice of the peace and a mentally unstable woman who worked in a bakery and lived in an asylum.

God's Choice: In one of his first acts, Duvalier revived voodoo and later claimed to be a voodoo priest. He began dressing like Baron Samedi -- a Haitian loa of the dead who stands at the crossroads, where the souls of dead humans pass. Papa Doc also claimed to be close with Jesus Christ and God. Paintings depicting Christ with a hand on Duvalier's shoulder and the caption "I have chosen him" were common.

Dogged By Paranoia: In 1959 he suffered a major heart attack, during which his brain was likely deprived of oxygen. Many believed that the neurological damage he sustained during the long period of time he was unconscious led to increasing paranoia and irrationality. This might have been confirmed during the hunt for accused traitor Clement Barbot in 1963. When Papa Doc was tipped off that Barbot had secretly turned himself into a black dog, the "President for Life" responded by ordering the summary execution of all black canines in Haiti.

Jose Gaspar Rodriguez de Francia (Paraguay)

Silver Medal

AKA: "El Supremo," "Dr. Francia"

In Power: 1813-1840

Absolut Isolation: In 1814, he claimed absolute power over Paraguay and attempted to create a utopia based on the principles of Rousseau's Social Contract. To do so, he completely cut off the South American nation from the outside world and imposed ruthless suppression of any who opposed him.

Who Made You Pope of this Dump?: El Supremo, as he became known, went on to outlaw higher education, newspapers and the postal service. He later seized the possessions of the Roman Catholic Church and appointed himself head of Paraguayan religion, insisting that he personally conduct all weddings.

Friend of the Hat Maker: El Supremo's later years took senility to a new level. Along the way, he ordered all dogs in Paraguay to be shot. He also insisted that everyone raise their hat when he passed, and commanded those without hats to carry brims to raise just in case he should pass by. His isolationism is blamed in part for future conflicts with neighbor Brazil, culminating in The War of the Triple Alliance, during which at least 50 percent of Paraguay's prewar population was killed.

Saparmyrat Atayewic Niyazov (Turkmenistan)

Gold Medal

AKA: Turkmenbasy

Ruled: 1985-2006

Democratic Roots: After successfully running one of the most hardline Soviet Republics with an iron fist, Niyazov became Turkmenistan's first popularly elected president in 1992. He ran unopposed. In 1994, 99.9 percent of voters approved a 10-year extension — and five years after that he was declared president for life.

Bones, Not Fillings: After taking power and declaring himself Türkmenbasy (Leader of all of Turkmen), Niyazov created one of the world's most notorious personality cults. His many bizarre decrees include banning opera, long hair, beards, car radios, lip-synching, ballet and recorded music. TV news anchors were forbidden from wearing makeup, and physicians' Hippocratic Oath was replaced with an oath to the president. People with dental problems were encouraged to chew bones instead of getting gold teeth. All internet cafes were shut down, and rural libraries closed and dogs were restricted from the capital city (again with the dogs!).

What happened to Tuesday?: In addition to Turkmenbasy's many creative prohibitions, the prolific poet also renamed days of the week and months of the year after himself and his family. Most famous of all, he constructed a massive gold-plated statue of himself which sits atop the Neutrality Arch in Ashgabat and rotates 360 degrees every 24 hours so as to always face the sun. So that's where all those gold teeth went!