Psychic-ed Out: Or, How I Stopped Believing in the Occult

WHEN IT COMES TO PSYCHICS, I've never been a skeptic.

As a child, my friends and I would spend hours trying to read each other's minds. I've been writing down my dreams for basically my whole life, and I don't even remember the first book on fortune-telling I bought. I'm the proud owner of several tarot decks, and my best friends and I survived the angst of high school thanks to a self-proclaimed "oracle book."

In short, the occult fascinates me. Always has.

But a couple weeks ago, I decided to see what the District had to offer in the psychic department. And if there's one thing that will make a skeptic of anyone, it's going to several psychics in just a few days.

Mrs. Natalie's Tarot Card Crystal Readings
» 1500 Wisconsin Ave NW; 202-333-1245
I suppose the atmosphere at Mrs. Natalie's would have been very mysterious — what with the low-burning candle and the exotic-looking fabrics draped over everything — if not for a woman and two young girls visible in the adjacent waiting room, all watching TV and playing Nintendo DS at the same time. I tried to focus only on Mrs. Natalie herself, who sat across from me at a small table and looked appropriately shrouded in mystery. She asked for my left hand.

Mrs. Natalie told me a few generic things about myself, some seemingly meant to flatter rather than inform. Apparently, for example, I have a good character, an old soul, I'm going to have a long life, and people like me — I could live with that. Things got more interesting, though, when she got more specific. And as I walked out of Mrs. Natalie's through the waiting room, after paying my $10, I was left with at least one unanswered question.

Namely, where on my palm did it say that I was going to marry a 40-year-old doctor at the age of 30? I was also a little confused as to the startlingly inaccurate picture that Mrs. Natalie had painted of my current romantic life. Well, maybe romance wasn't this psychic's forte.

More perturbed than reassured about both my present and future, I continued on to my next stop.

Mrs. Jessica
» 3135 M St. NW
The lock on the door at the top of the long staircase was held together with duct tape, but I knocked anyway, and Mrs. Jessica led me into a large living room. The decor straddled the line between arcane and conventional, dimpled cherubs bumping elbows with obelisks and vaguely mystical-looking charts.

This time around, my right hand got all the attention — Mrs. Jessica asked if I was right- or left-handed, and then took my dominant hand. Again, though, once the reading began, flattery seemed to be the name of the game. As a small black dog licked her face, Mrs. Jessica noted that I had a nasty temper, but then backtracked, telling me that I only get angry for the right reasons. Other than that, in this psychic's eyes, I was all kindness and selflessness.

I didn't think I was so saintly, and all the compliments were starting to make me suspicious — not to mention embarrassed. Were the psychics trying to distract me from something? Did they think that if they appealed to my vanity, I would forget to wonder whether they were scamming me?

Then, the reading took a turn for the paranoid. Mrs. Jessica seemed sure, staring at me with what looked a lot like pity, that my friends and family members were taking advantage of my alleged extreme self-sacrifice. Then, she gave another ridiculous assessment of my romantic situation, albeit different from what Mrs. Natalie had told me.

At least this reading was cheap.

I handed over my $5 and trudged back out onto M Street.

Psychic Readings by Christine
» 1333 Connecticut Ave; 202-785-3100
I was a little discouraged as I wandered through the hallways and shallow stairs leading to Psychic Readings by Christine. So far, I'd gotten only flattery and outlandish claims — my disbelief about that 40-year-old doctor was increasing by the minute.

At first, Christine put me at ease in some ways, and it wasn't just because the room was full of figurines of such famous supernatural beings as the Genie from Disney's "Aladdin." First of all, she told me far more than the other psychics had, and also asked me more, occasionally acknowledging that there were holes in the knowledge one could gain from a simple palm reading. She kept up with the compliments, but also gave advice. I'm a little wary of following some of it, though, like the suggestion that I stop asking for advice from my friends. Not likely.

Christine also actually clued me in on some of the ways that she was gaining her supposed information, pointing out the relevant lines on my palm (my dominant hand again) with a pencil.

Unfortunately, though, I haven't been planning an overseas trip (she said I had been). Far from it — I'm afraid of flying. Also, I'm a little cautious about believing her prediction that I'm going to be a wealthy, best-selling author by the age of 27. Seems more than a little over-optimistic to me.

All things considered, though, on my way out of Psychic Readings by Christine, I was feeling a little better about the whole psychic thing. At least Christine seemed to have given me more bang for my buck — or, rather, my 10 bucks — than the others, and she seemed a little more honest about the whole production.

Then, on my way out, Christine suggested that I come back for an aura reading. My guard down, I allowed her to get as far as telling me how much it cost.

"Eighty-four dollars," she said nonchalantly.

"I'll think about it," I replied, and walked out the door.

My transformation to skeptic was complete.

Written by Express contributor Elizabeth Simins

» Watch the infamous psychic scene from Kevin Smith's 1995 flick "Mallrats." Warning: NSFW and you'll never think of "Three's Company" quite the same way again.

Crystal ball and tarot cards photo by Tracy A. Woodward/The Washington Post; top image is a screen grab from "Mallrats"; tarot decks courtesy of USA Games