Back to School Dos and Don'ts

Labor Day is over, and it's likely that every school in America is back in session now. Even though Paul Vivari is out of school, he can't quite get over the experience — which is why he's compiled a "dos and don'ts" list.

DO decorate your locker and make it an extension of who you are, which in your case means you'll probably just neglect it until everyone forgets it's even there.

DON'T be forced to eat gross, unhealthy cafeteria food; remember to pack your own lunch of five bags of Hot Fries and your peanut butter and Splenda sandwich.

Like it or not, what you wear says a lot about who you are. So what does your thrift store dress and lavender-striped leggings say about you? "DON'T invite me to prom."

DO support your school's athletic program by trying out for the football team, failing miserably, and walking off the field under a cloud of debilitating shame and humiliation, thus allowing everyone else who actually made the team to bond together in their mutual disgust for you.

DON'T let the taunting and jeering by the school bullies get to you; just push any feelings of anger or resentment deep down inside you, where they'll probably never surface again.

DO continue in the proud tradition of those who came before you by drawing a comically gargantuan phallus on every picture in your Spanish 2 book that doesn't already have a comically gargantuan phallus drawn on it.

After a long summer, your classmates may have forgotten what a loser you were over the previous school year. DO refresh their memory by wearing your "Mathletics Fest 2007: 2+2=Fun" visor on the first day.

DON'T let yourself be embarrassed by having your mother drop you off in front of the school every day, but DO try to wipe her goodbye-kiss lipstick off your cheek and chin and forehead and nose before you enter homeroom.

Written by Express contributor Paul Vivari
Photo by Mark Gail/The Washington Post