Baggage Check: Office Romance

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I have a tendency to fall for my bosses. Twice I've left jobs because my working conditions became intolerable because of my feelings for my immediate supervisors. I've always had crushes on older, powerful men, but I do not tend to date them. I tend to date immature jerks. I don't even know where to begin in sorting this out. — Help Me!

Hmm — I've never heard a better rationale for those late-night TV spots about being your own boss!

Actually, it's not a totally alarming situation here, for a couple reasons. You're aware of the pattern, you don't seem to be acting irresponsibly or self-destructively, and the attractions have happened only twice. No, this is not a call to arms to crush your way through every supervisor from here to accounts receiving, but it should serve to remind you that coincidences happen, and to be infatuated with two bosses does not necessarily mean you are doomed forever to fall for those who ask you to get those reports in by close of business.

Nonetheless, your insights about your attraction to powerful men and your tendency to date a totally different type are important. Perhaps you tend to be drawn to the opposite, unattainable personification of who you're struggling with in your real-life relationships. Or, perhaps you seek out those relationships because you fear that one with the type you're truly attracted to wouldn't work out, so you sabotage yourself. Finally, maybe (I hear you, Freud, I'm getting to it!) you have some complicated stuff that's gone on with your father.

The only way to know for sure is to do some serious soul-searching, which might be helped by talking with a professional. In the meantime, consider looking for bosses named Mildred.

My husband's always lying. Every week, it seems, I find him telling another lie. The one thing that I'm not worried about is him cheating. He's never away from me except when he's at work. He never spends time with his friends — if I don't come along, he doesn't go. The last lie he told was really huge — about his immigration status. I found out in the lawyer's office. I'm ready to get a divorce. I gave him 30 days' notice, but I do still love him because he has so many other good qualities. He's like a little kid who's scared he will get in trouble if he tells me everything. I need some professional advice. — Stuck

You do need professional advice, and, unfortunately, it has to be more substantial than the few inches of type I can give you here. You have two admittedly humongous obstacles to overcome as a couple — the first being your husband's apparent dishonesty, and the second being his overdependence on you (a curious mate to his starring role as Lying Lionel). The cherry on the marital woes sundae, of course, is the problems with his legal status in this country, made worse by his own dishonesty.

There is simply no way I can imagine the two of you getting through this without marital counseling; in fact, I would recommend counseling for you even if you have decided for sure to leave him. A 30-day notice deliberation seems great, but what criteria will you use to assess whether a known liar has changed? How will you know your emotions aren't leading you in the wrong direction? And what support will you have if the answers aren't easy? Think of a psychologist as your mental health's lawyer in this case; it'd be an awful thing to deny representation.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express