Baggage Check: Don't Bite Your Tongue

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

My best friend is in love with a jerk. For three years, through the birth of their child, through the daily arguments, I have been there to listen and support her, trying hard not to give her the "Why are you still with this idiot?" speech. A few weeks ago, she was primed to leave him. Now, she has completely turned around. I'm so tired of listening to her complain. Do I beg her to pack up and leave, or keep up my sympathetic routine while boiling over inside? — Ugh!

There are several important truths in life: Netflix pop-ups will eventually take over the world; anything can be made tastier by adding bacon or chocolate; and — this is most germane to your question — there is some middle ground between listening without opinion and screaming, "Why are you still with this idiot?"

Of course, finding that sweet spot can be tough. But try you must — stuffing all of your reactions won't do your friend any good, and it's certainly not good for your gastrointestinal tract!

Sometimes, being a friend means looking out for someone at the risk of their not wanting to hear what you have to say. Showing sympathy and giving your perspective do not have to be mutually exclusive — you can feel very sorry that she is so wrapped up in a dysfunctional situation that she's no longer able to use good judgment.

So, try to find your voice. You have a good opening with the fact that she had already started to make plans to leave. A starter kit: "I'm getting confused about what you really want — you were ready to leave him, and I would've been supportive of that, but then you changed your mind and it seems we're back to square one with no improvement whatsoever. I'm worried about you." You need not berate her guy; focus instead on her and her child's health, happiness and free will — and the fact that you hate to see her jeopardize any of that over and over again.

My high school sweetheart of three years and I have been arguing like cats and dogs for a couple weeks now. It's always about something stupid, like the night I went to the club with friends instead of seeing him. All this started when I moved out of my parents' place and into a place of my own, which isn't close to him at all. Not seeing each other like we used to has made our relationship difficult. I love him with all my heart, but I don't know whether to keep this relationship going. I can't put my all in this if he's only putting half. Should I keep fighting for us to work or call it quits? — Confused

Arguments — especially about "stupid" things — can be symptoms of many different ailments: jealousy, anxiety about transitions in your relationship, fear of getting more deeply involved or simply the lack of compatible cell phone plans. But perhaps the most serious possibility is growing incompatibility. You say he's not giving enough of himself, yet one of your fights was about his wanting to see you when you'd rather see your friends; you also chose to move farther away from him. I'm wondering whether there's a piece of you that believes calling it quits would be best, but it's less painful to pin it on him.

It's time to be honest with yourself. Not all — or even most — high school relationships are meant to last after lockers and lunchrooms; as much as you love him, these growing pains can't be ignored. Start picturing what you want out of the next few months and years of your life — journaling can help — and try to see whether you really, truly believe he should be there with you.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express