Baggage Check: Skipping the Guilt Trip

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

When my relationship with my fiance went downhill for a while, I felt tempted to have other relationships. Everything was going well until I started lying and cheating on him with a co-worker and never felt guilty about it. I ended the sexual relationship and moved on with my fiance. I feel just a little awful for what I did, but only when my girlfriends talk about how wrong it is to cheat on a good man. Why didn't I care? — Please Help

Your letter has more holes than a Swiss cheese dartboard.

What was happening when your relationship was going "downhill"? Then, suddenly, "everything was going well," but how is this possible, given that you were on the brink of doing something that you believed to be wrong?

My hunch is that the force that drove you to behave the way you did was so strong that it overpowered your sense of remorse. The key to your understanding and fixing this situation will be to figure out what that force was and is. Resentment, self-sabotage, boredom, aggression, impulse control problems, incompatibility, loneliness — any of these things could've pushed you to the edge or made you rationalize bad behavior. A relationship simply can't be healthy with that many bones clattering around in the closet. Be honest about what "downhill" meant and figure out what needs to change. And may that force not be with you.

Are some people just not cut out to be good mothers? My own mother did a horrible job, and I've never been excited to have kids. Well, I now have a baby daughter. My husband is a good man and a good father. But so much doesn't come naturally to me. I am terrified that I am missing the "mom gene." — Don't Want to Repeat the Past

Just be glad you don't have Mom Jeans! You're actually a step ahead here, because you really want to be a good mother and are worried about whether you'll be able to do it. Being a good parent is not like starring in "La Traviata" or excelling at shot put — if you set your mind to it and work hard, you have a great chance of getting there.

Think of how much more mindful and self-aware you can be than those who parent via autopilot with only the script from their "Brady Bunch" upbringing. The truth is, many of us were given the "How Not to Parent" manual. And once you accept this, you can start the task of working with what you have. Turn your anxiety into an asset — you're motivated to do a good job, you're aware of your underdog status and you have a solid partner who can support you in this indefinitely. Read voraciously; talk with docs, other parents and your husband; and you'll find your groove.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express