What $700 Billion Means to You

SO THE BAILOUT that the federal government is mulling to get the country out of the mortgage crisis could top $700 billion. That sounds like a lot of money. But how much can $700 billion really buy? Let's find out.

» PENS: We've been having to write a lot of checks lately, so it'd be good to stock up on pens -- we'll go for those nice Uni-ball ones. Since they sell for $18.99 a dozen, the government's bailout could buy us almost 442,338,072,670 of them from Staples. Don't worry, Wall Street, you can get them with red ink.

» KLEENEX: Whether you're suffering from allergies or sobbing over the state of your finances, facial tissue is a must this time of year. We'll go for the name brand, which costs $2.19 a box at Giant. Our $700 billion haul: 319,634,703,196 boxes — enough to keep the nose of every man, woman and child in the country grime-free with more than 1,000 boxes each.

» A GALLON OF MILK: It's an old economic bellwether — a standby for economists who want to show how this thing or that affects the country at large. At Safeway, a gallon of 1 percent costs $3.99. If the government made our tax money more liquid, we could be swimming in 175,438,596,491 gallons.

OK, so we're clearly aiming too low. Let's see how much we can spend if we kick the luxury quotient up a notch or seven.

» HOT WHEELS: There's no earthly reason why someone should buy a car that costs $249,275. But people shouldn't buy houses they can't afford, either. Logic is silly! And with a government bailout funding us, we could drive away haggle-free with nearly 2,808,144 Lamborghini Gallardo Spyders — enough to give one to every person in Baltimore and still have some to spare.

» DELUXE ACCOMMODATIONS: The Plaza Hotel in New York is one of the most expensive spots to lay your head in the world. And it's Presidential Suite — complete with a cadre of maids, a private chef and seven bathrooms — will run you an eye-popping $15,000 a night. If taxpayers are paying, you could stay there for nearly 46,666,667 nights. Meaning that you and generations of untold ancestors could live there for the better part of 127,853 years. Thanks, Uncle Sam!

» HIRED HELP: Dealing with computers can be such a drag — installing this, updating that, chasing away that annoying Microsoft paperclip. With $700 billion jingling in our pockets, we should get some tech support — and we should go for the best. Apple Svengali Steve Jobs reportedly raked in $647 million in compensation in 2006. At that rate, our bailout fund could have him clearing our cookies — hell, maybe even baking some — for nearly 1,082 years. He can use some of that time to turn himself into a cyborg who will never die.