Wiz Kidding: How to Make the Wizards Season Fun

ANOTHER WIZARDS SEASON starts Wednesday, but it lacks the optimism that has permeated the past few years.

Gilbert Arenas has spent more time on the operating table than on the court over the past 18 months, and he's out for at least the first month of the season. Last year's breakout star and fashion plate Brendan Haywood just had wrist surgery and is likely lost for the entire year. Last year's other breakout star and all-around great guy Roger Mason signed with San Antonio.

The only additions the team made in the offseason were to bring back local hero Juan Dixon, draft some giant dude named JaVale and sign Dee Brown, who may or may not at present be better than the 39-year-old former player of the same name who retired six years ago.

In other words, it looks like it will be a long season. But that doesn't mean it will be a total loss. Here are some ways to make the 2008-2009 Wizards campaign more enjoyable.

» Learn to appreciate the team's other talents.
Come to terms with the fact that while it probably won't be a breakthrough year in Gilbert Arenas' basketball career, but that doesn't mean it cant be his best season of blogging ever. Etan Thomas has a well-rounded extracurricular schedule, as he makes abundantly clear in the title of his poetry collection, "More Than an Athlete." Antawn Jamison and Oleksiy Pecherov will hopefully be pursuing their new calling as combative international food critics.

Darius Songaila is apparently an elk hunter. Who knows what other secret talents the Wizards roster has yet to reveal? Burmese cookery? Burlesque? It would be a mistake to put anything past them, and since the team is unlikely to blow anyone's mind with their on court performances, the players may as well excel at their hobbies.

» Get really invested in the Dunkin Donuts Race.
If you're attending a live game that isn't going the Wizards' way, maybe cheering on Cuppy Coffee, Biggie Bagel or Dashing Donut will prove more rewarding. You could get a free coffee out of it, anyway.

» Pray that neither Antawn Jamison nor Caron Butler get injured this year.
You may also want to consider making some type of bargain with God.

» Become a hockey fan.
That Ovechkin guy's supposed to be pretty good.

» Booze
Let's face it, only rampant alcohol consumption can salvage this season. The current economic climate makes buying multiple expensive Verizon Center beers even more unthinkable than usual, so this game is designed for home use. Listen closely to the announcing and then commemorate Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier's signature catchphrases with your beverage of choice.

» Drink any time Steve says, in an annoyed voice, "... and the Wizards [number] point lead is down to [number]."
» Drink any time Phil mispronounces the name of a European player.
» Drink any time Steve says, "... and Thomas misses both free throws."
» Drink any time they refer to Juan Dixon as a great young man.
» Drink any time Steve says, "... and Blatche gets the rebound, dribbles up court ... aaaaaand he turns it over."
» Drink any time Phil says that rebounding is a key to the game in the game preview. (He always says rebounding.)
» Drink a lot any time Steve screams "Backbreaker!" when the other team hits a shot in the fourth quarter.
» Drink even more if he goes with "Dagger!"

On the off chance you aren't intoxicated by the end of the game, either the Wizards have acquitted themselves well or Steve and Phil have been muzzled.

So the Wizards are in for a tough season. But now you know how to cope, and how to get nice and drunk in the process. And besides, did you really want to suffer another playoff defeat at the hands of LeBron, anyway?

Written by Express contributor Meg Zamula
Gilbert Arenas by Nathaniel S. Butler/NBAE/Getty Images; DeShawn Stevenson courtesy Washington Wizards