Baggage Check: Real Mr. Right Is Over His Ex

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I recently met an awesome guy who is kind, funny and sensitive. The problem is that he does not seem to be quite over his ex. I've told him I'm not comfortable with their level of contact, but he says they have history together, and he plays a role in her daughter's life (she's not his daughter, but the ex views him as a male role model). The problem also is that his ex is very pushy. She's very controlling of his time and very needy. If I am going to be in a relationship with him, I need it to be on my terms, not hers. — Frustrated in D.C.

I hear two sides to this problem. On the one hand, you're dating a man who has a semi-parental role with a child whose mother is not exactly winning Miss Congeniality. Certainly, that brings challenges, logistic and emotional.

But I'm getting distracted here by the deafening foghorn of "he does not seem to be quite over his ex." This new wrinkle seems to trump any frustrations about playdates. Be honest with yourself about what in his behavior makes you feel this way — you haven't given me enough information to form an opinion. Your relationship is new; time will tell whether your ranking in his life starts to increase. In the meantime, if the pains seem to be outweighing the joys, it's time to take notice.

How do you know if you are addicted to the computer? I spend a lot of my day online. Eight hours of the day it's for work. But I live alone and usually come home and sit in front of the laptop from the time I walk in the door. I am communicating with people, yet I am never without my laptop. How do you know whether this is a problem? — Wondering

To a therapist, the hallmark of psychological dysfunction (besides being courted for a reality show) is that it tends to get in the way of everyday life and cause distress. It sounds like you have, in part, built your existence around being online.

Consider these questions: How might you be spending your time otherwise? Do you feel like you're trying to escape from something? How has it gotten in the way of other goals in life? Are parts of your personality going unfulfilled? Is your physical health suffering? Are there career, family or social opportunities that you are sabotaging? What happens when you don't have online access — is your existence unbearable?

While 15 years ago, someone who sat in front of a screen all day might have been pretty isolated, it's sometimes possible now to have remarkable emotional support and camaraderie online. It all depends. Think about your online relationships and what you get (and don't get) from them. The key will be to figure out whether the difference between "friending" and befriending has created a gap in your existence.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece