Hail to the Chef: Fresh Meat

Express' Karmah Elmusa introduces you to the new crop on season five of "Top Chef."

GOOD GRAVY, I have missed this — my withdrawal symptoms have been dismal, as I developed a severe addiction during the first four seasons. This show is potent; a concoction of food and drama that I would take via IV if Bravo offered it that way.

Padma's blunders, Tom's sass, egos spiked with foie gras and this round, rainbows. It's back, with a heavy contestant load and a vengeance — it's "Top Chef" season five, and it's all going down in the Big Apple.

To begin with, here's a cheftestant glossary, which you can refer back to when reading about the challenges. I'm keeping it brief. They're rollin' deep this year, and you'll remember half these people about as well as you remember season four's Nimma (exactly):

» Alex: Latino from Los Angeles. Works at Restaurant 15. Lived all over the world. Engaged.

» Ariane: Self-proclaimed Jersey girl. Executive chef at the CulinAriane in Montclaire, N.J. Married with children.

» Carla: Born in Nashville. Owns Alchemy Caterers in D.C. (whutwhut!). Married with stepson.

» Danny: From New York, heavy on the accent. Fancy beard. Dating a "fisherman" who is, in fact, a lady.

» Fabio: From Florence, Italy. Owns a restaurant in California. Married.

» Gene: From Oauhu, Hawaii. The token "no culinary school and proud" dude. Married with children.

» Hosea: Big white man. From New Mexico, lives in Boulder, Colo. That is all we know.

» Jamie: From New York City. Gay and proud. Loves Madonna ... a lot.

» Jeff: Resembles a Surfer Ken doll. From Florida. Works at the Ritz Carlton in Miami.

» Jill: Nondescript brunette from Pennsylvania, likes music. Like I said, nondescript.

» Lauren: From Ohio, went to the Culinary Institute of America (CIA). Married with dachshunds. Husband currently serving in Iraq.

» Leah: Native New Yorker, from the Bronx. Lived in Italy, went to CIA. Spunky.

» Melissa: Token mellow earthy chick. Lives in Boulder. Works at Centro Latin Kitchen.

» Patrick: From Massachusetts. "Ate feelings as a child." Gay and proud. Still a student at CIA.

» Radhika: From Ohio, first generation Indian. Lives in Chicago, "loves to crochet and eat."

» Richard: From Long Island. Gay and Proud. Executive sous chef in San Diego. Partnered, with dogs.

» Stefan: Born in Finland. World traveled (and proud). Runs a catering company in Santa Monica. Single (and loving it).

Phew. That's too many cooks, kids. But not to worry, the fat-skimming begins almost immediately.

QUICKFIRE
Padma and Tom meet the clustermuck of fresh-from-the-plane cheftestants in a park, and waste not a moment. It's quickfire time! And in an unforeseen twist, "Top Chef" presents you with its first ever ELIMINATION QUICKFIRE. No, they're not kidding — someone is going home before things even get started.

It's an apple-themed challenge, but of course — 'tis NYC's signature fruit. There are three rounds, consisting of peeling with a paring knife, a perfect brunoise (tiny tiny chop) and cooking the apples to Tom's taste. Chefs are saved by the bell each round, and only the slowest move on.

Stefan wins, and earns immunity for the elimination challenge. After frantic peeling and chopping (and bloodied apples — take it easy, Richard!), there are but four chefs left in the elimination round. Radhika and Leah make savory dishes with a protein and an apple topping, while Patrick and Lauren make salads. SALADS? That's how you're going to win Colicchio's cold, hungry heart? Fools, I tell you.

He clearly hates both of them, but sends Lauren packing. One down, sixteen to go.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE
The chefs move into their luxurious, dazzling-skyline-view apartments, giving newcomers to the city the idea that it is airy and spacious. There is cooking, there is banter, there is awkwardness between the European chefs and our buddy Danny, from Neuw Yohk!

Italian Fabio and Finn Stefan take a liking to each other immediately (Spike and Andrew's Euro-counterparts, anyone?), while Stefan and Danny immediately want to skewer one another. Stefan offers Danny the following bit of information: "A vinaigrette is not an emulsion. A-papapapapa!" (That was a noise of indignation, I think).

This should get awkward in future episodes; stay tuned.

Meanwhile, on the porch, a gay pride alliance is formed between Richard, Patrick and Jamie. They call themselves "Team Rainbow." Love you, Bravo.

And now onto the part where they, you know, cook food. This elimination challenge is a classic and a favorite of mine. The cheftestants are paired off into twos, and each pair is given a section of the city to explore. They then have to cook in the ethnic style most prevalent in that area, and the judges will pit their dishes against each other. Each winner will be considered for the grand prize, and all the losers will be on the chopping block.

After their trips to Astoria, Brighton Beach, Long Island City, Jamaica, Little Italy, Chinatown, Ozone Park and Little India, it's cooking time. There's the usual complaining (Ariane is "not familiar" with Long Island City's Middle Eastern cuisine), overconfidence (Jeffrey has "so much time" he thinks he will "add more garnishes") and flubs (Patrick has never worked with these noodles before! Why are they so weird?).

After two hours, it's time to present the dishes to Padma, Tom, Gail Simmons and this week's guest judge with an appropriately intimidating name: Jean-Georges Vongerichten.

JUDGES TABLE
No one is a total disaster. As Tom notes, "There are no dishes here that you can point to and say, 'this person has no place being here.'" Which means we're in for a good season.

But, as always, there are some standouts and some stumbles. Bad news first. Ariane is on the chopping block for her Middle Eastern dish: Yogurt-crusted lamb over farro (offensively undercooked, as it turns out). Patrick's in trouble for his Chinese dish, salmon and bok choy over the infamous black rice noodles (they're gummy, says Padma).

Who's out of here? The 20-year veteran or the fresh-faced culinary student? Turns out little Patrick is in over his head, and he's sent packing. I was hoping for a Christian Siriano in him (young, sassy, too talented for his age), but alas, twas not to be. He lovingly embraces his fellow Team Rainbow members, and exits gracefully.

The winning group consists of Stefan, Leah and Gene. Stefan wows with his Middle Eastern creation: a duo of proteins, lamb and beef, served with a lemony hummus and caramelized onions. Leah's modern Italian dish is seared red snapper over farro, and it warms Tom's heart. Finally, Gene, aka, "I didn't go to culinary school but I will own you," makes an Indian marsala lamb dish he calls by the wrong name, but that makes Padma praise him excessively ("It's not tzatziki at all, but you'd find it in every Southern Indian home.")

Stefan, who already has immunity, is declared the winner. I'm worried about this one — his ego is already out of control, and then Padma makes it worse by noting that in three earlier seasons, the winner of the first challenge has won the whole pot.

No hope for a comeback from Ariane the dull? There must be. I feel it in my gut — this Stefan character might choke. I'm counting on it for material.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK
» Gene: "I'm little troublemaker from a little rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean."
» Leah: "My mom said don't cry. If I cry, I look like a little bitch."
» Fabio: "I weell feenish, even eef I ave to swallow dee happle whole."
» Jamie: "We're so gay." (On herself, Patrick and Richard)
» Carla: "I have spirit guides, that's how I do it."
» Danny: "It's like we're in a football game, I'm a linebacker, I'ma knock you out."

Karmah Elmusa will be blogging "Top Chef" from now till the last knives are packed. Read her posts every week at expressnightout.com/chef.

Posted By Karmah Elmusa at 11:55 AM on November 13, 2008 Tagged in Arts & Events , Hail to the Chef , Television

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