Hail to the Chef: Martha, Martha, Martha

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Express' Karmah Elmusa wishes you a Merry Martha Stewart Christmas.

Last night's episode of "Top Chef" was so packed with bad food, Fabio quotes and celebrity guest judges that I hardly know where to start. What is that they say? Begin just after the dull beginning, where Ariane talks about how awesome she suddenly is and Gene frets that he's King of the Bottom Three. After that, the entertainment starts. Here's a little amuse-bouche to keep you reading.

Fabio and Stefan are sitting at the kitchen table. Stefan is carving a jack-o-watermelon. Fabio is eating chips and salsa for breakfast.
» Fabio: They call us the Yuuros [Euros].
» Stefan: They call us the dynamic duo.
» Fabio: What does that mean?

I'll consider your appetites whetted. Enjoy the show.

QUICKFIRE

A quick note: We learn on this episode that Hosea's father was diagnosed with cancer just before his son came to vie for the "Top Chef" title. If you weren't rooting for the guy before, it would be un-Christmasy of you not to now. Or at least, rooting for a top three spot, along with Fabio and whomever else turns out to be worthy.

Moving on — the quickfire. The cheftestants walk into the kitchen and it's decked out in red, green and gold — Merry Christmas, even though ... I'm pretty sure this was taped in September sometime. The guest judge here is too important to already be standing with Padma — this ex-jailbird is as bad as she wants to be, and struts in separately to dazzle the chefs in all her home-cooked glory. Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Martha Stewart (Watch that. It's Martha and Snoop Dogg making mashed potatoes).

The challenge? Make Martha a one-pot holiday meal. That means either cook it all at once in one pot, or cook elements one after the other in the same pot and then serve them together. She borrows a quote from Einstein to advise the cheftestants: "Make it simple, but not too simple." Also, she turns out to be an extremely opinionated judge, making comments to each of the cheftestants and refusing to poker face it — you know how the woman feels.

She's not a fan of Gene's crispy pork and mushroom spicy Korean stew (he used corn starch as a thickener, tsk tsk), or of Jeff's potato risotto or of Fabio's mushroom polenta (to which he says "My grandmother would be so ashamed of [Martha Stewart]!" That's right, not of Fabio, of Martha Stewart).

Her favorites are Hosea, with a chicken, sausage and fish paella, Ariane's cauliflower puree topped with filet mignon and Jamie's jumbo seared scallop over kale and potato stew. The winner? I can't believe I am saying this again: Ariane! A copy of Martha's new book and immunity are her prizes — who woulda thunk cauliflower puree would be the key to Martha Stewart's heart?

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

As soon as the quickfire ends, there is music. Where is it coming from? Oh, it's coming from the giant group of kente-cloth decked singers that come walking through the kitchen door. Move over, Foo Fighters, and make room for the Harlem Gospel Choir. They're singing the sassiest rendition of "The 12 Days of Christmas" I've ever heard. And then, Padma pulls out the knife block. Culture clashing ensues: Stefan and Fabio pull knives that have numbers on them, and the Harlem Gospel Choir sings the corresponding verse of "The 12 Days of Christmas." The dynamic duo stares blankly.

The challenge: Make an hors d'oeuvre in the theme of your verse for an AMFAR (American Foundation for Aids Research) benefit, hosted by guest judge and actress Natasha Richardson. The obnoxious Michelle Bernstein will also be judging in Gail's stead. There are 250 people to serve, and only three hours to prep. Yikes is the word.

Everything is going fine, prep prep prep, go home, go to bed. Wake up, back to the kitchen. The fridge is open. Hosea's smoky pork (11 pipers piping) and Radhika's duck breasts (a partridge in a pear tree) have gone bad. After much consternation and even some weeping, the chefs put on a lovely display of holiday spirit and chip in to help the two shit out of luck chefs get back on their feet. Everyone helps, even cranky Stefan. My mind wanders back two seasons to Hung finishing his dish early and then standing by to watch the others flounder ("it's a competition," he says). What a refreshing change.

At the party, the guests are instructed to pin an AIDS ribbon next to the chef they like best. Hosea's smoky pork is getting a lot of attention, and Hosea is getting a lot of attention from a shameless young lady named Becky. Jeff, too, is wowing the crowds with his duo of cheese (haloumi and kasseri) — both cheeses are from islands, he is "island leaping" (for 10 Lords a-leaping. You're pushing it, Jeffrey). Radhika's duck is met with praise — but generally, no one is dazzled by the fruits of this challenge.

Fabio, of course, is charming to the last drop — he's making crab cakes, for his nine ladies dancing theme. Why? "Eet ees a dancing crab cake, when the female crab lay eggs, she do a dance to cover them with sand." Sure, Fab. Whatever you say.

JUDGES' TABLE

Back at the ranch, Tom, Padma, Michelle and Natasha agree that the quality of the food was pretty low — but there are always winners, and almost always losers.

The top four are Hosea of the Smoky Pork, Jeff of the Island Cheese Leaping, Stefan and his mini-chicken pot pies (12 drummers drumming. Drumstick, anyone?) and Radhika's duck and pear chutney. Hosea wins — we're happy for you, buddy. Way to make Pops proud. Oh, and everyone gets a copy of Michelle Bernstein's new book "Cuisina Latina" (which she thankfully pronounces for us: "Kwi-SeeN A La-Thee-Na." Muy autentico).

The bottom three are Melissa for a gorgonzola-steak thing that tastes solely like stinky cheese (eight maids a-milking. It's all about the cow), Gene's ceviche served with various golden circle of fruit (five golden rings) and Jamie's raw scallop (yes, again, scallops) "swimming" in a vichyssoise (seven swans a-swimming). About 10 minutes of verbal abuse from Michelle Bernstein later, the chefs are sent back to the stew room. My money is on Gene, at this point.

And then Tom walks into the stew room. He reprimands the chefs for putting out "universally bad food," commends them for helping Hosea and Radhika in dire straits, and then gives them a holiday gift: No one is going home. My, my Colicchio — you're not the grumpy Grinch we thought you were.

There's a holiday special on next week, but you kids can handle the analysis of that on your own. I'll be back in the new year with more foodie drama from this season of "Top Chef" — until then, happy holidays (and unabashed cookie eating) to you all.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

» Ariane: "[Martha Stewart] is very knowledgeable woman and she's from Jersey."
» Fabio: "When I was six, I was eeevil. I was a bad boy. So my grandma so don't make me destroy the house, she make me stir the polenta for hour."
» Hosea: "I'm the happiest little chef right now."
» Stefan: "Fabio is freaking out because he's Italian. He says he doesn't know what 'nine ladies dancing' means."
» Carla: "Kenneth Cole is a guest at the party. I'm like, 'Hey, can you drop some shoes at my booth?'"
» Hosea: "The competition I might have is Jeff. He's working the room and he's a very pretty boy."
» Michelle Bernstein: "I didn't find deliciousness."