Nine Moments of Incredulity: 'The Secret Life of the American Teenager'

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A FEW MONTHS AGO, I reviewed the premiere of ABC Family's new teen pregnancy drama, "The Secret Life of the American Teenager." Its characterizations were cliched, its dialogue insipid and its acting cringe-inducing. With the release of the first season on DVD, it seemed an opportune moment to contemplate whether the show at any point gestated into something worth watching -- and a few redeeming elements did emerge.

Thirteen-year-old Ashley (India Eisley), pregnant teen (and supposed protagonist) Amy's younger sister, is a believable adolescent, who copes with the sudden upheaval in her family with sarcasm and secrecy. I'm ashamed to acknowledge that I became somewhat invested in the escalating flirtation between preachy uber-good girl Grace and promiscuous bad boy Ricky, although everybody could have done without the finger-licking cookie-baking scene in the finale. There are even a few moments of intentional humor, as when a male character practices making out with a giant teddy bear — but not before he puts a hair bow on it, so it isn't gay.

For the most part, however, the fun of watching "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" lies in marveling at the incredible implausibility of nearly everything that occurs. Beyond the simple continuity problems and ridiculous stereotypes, here are the nine moments (one for each month of pregnancy) from the first season that provoked the most incredulity.

» 1. In the first episode, Amy (Shailene Woodley) discovers she is pregnant and takes up with a new boyfriend, Ben (Ken Baumann). By the second episode, before they have even kissed, he is considering marrying her and supporting her child. He doesn't even keep this idea to himself, confiding to a couple of fellow 15-year-olds: "Time passes real slow when you're a kid. It's starting to speed up a little though. I guess I'm getting older, maturing. Maybe I'll get married soon, have a kid, start a little family band." Fellow TV teen Dawson Leery's self-important speeches seem realistic, even palatable, by comparison.

» 2. In episode three, a gas station is offering a free box of tampons with fill-up, and the promotion seems to be bringing in business.

» 3. Grace (Megan Park), the Christian cheerleader with an apparent weakness for damaged goods, regularly invokes her stellar self esteem in conversation. If a teenage girl having a positive self image wasn't unlikely enough, try to imagine a real teenage girl telling an ex, "If I didn't have such high self esteem I wouldn't even be talking to you right now."

» 4. Not only do the high school students voluntarily visit their guidance counselor, they also confide in him, and sometimes even take his advice. While I'm sure most guidance counselors are prepared to counsel, actual students tend to think of them more as a test prep referral service, if that.

» 5. All of the parents seem to have moved to their suburb from "Swingtown." Amy's father George is having an affair with school slut Adrian's stewardess mother. He was also previously married to Grace's mother, who cheated on him and married her current doctor husband, who has just joined Amy's pediatrician's practice as the season opens. As the season ends, his current wife, Anne (Molly Ringwald), has resolved to end their marriage, and if her season two storyline doesn't involve her juggling relationships with Ben's sausage-manufacturing widower father and the aforementioned guidance counselor, it will be a major break from "SLAT" precedent.

» 6. When Amy opts to return to her high school rather than attend a special institution for teen mothers, Grace decides the best way to show her support is by leading a parade down the school hallway. The marching band plays "I Am Woman" in apparent tribute to Amy's fertility.

» 7. Ricky (Daren Kagasoff) is completely irresistible to women, even after his accidental impregnation of Amy and his psychiatric treatment become common knowledge. He sleeps with Amy and Adrian, makes out with Grace, Amy's two best friends fight over who he finds more attractive, and in a completely pointless cameo, Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson agrees that he can call her. The bad boy archetype may be seductive, but Ricky's supposed irresistibly is a bit more questionable given that he is nearly identical in appearance to the supposedly profoundly nerdy Ben. For the first few episodes, I was only able to tell the two apart based on Ben's proclivity for cardigans.

» 8. Ricky, who is a drummer in addition to being a sex addict, carries his drumsticks in his back pocket at all times, even while seated. That just can't be comfortable.

» 9. Ben wants to marry Amy -- even though they're 15. But since there's going to be a season two, which debuts Mon. Jan. 5 at 8 p.m., there are hints it might actually happen. Kids today. Why not just live together first, you silly lovebirds? Don't just rush into this grown-up stuff.

Written by Express contributor Meg Zamula

» If you don't want to spring for the DVD set -- and you don't -- then watch the marathon showing of season one on Jan. 4.