Hail to the Chef: Farm Fresh

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Express' Karmah Elmusa recaps fresh mouths and farm food.

THIS WEEK ON "Top Chef," the remaining nine are dragged kicking and screaming from the well-lit aisles of Whole Foods to the place where the grub lives before it ends up in orderly piles — the farm, baby.

They say cooking is all in the ingredients, and this week's episode reveals who can take the freshest of the fresh produce and protein and handily ruin it.

Also, I've identified a new bad guy. It's not Jamie, and it's not even Stefan (although he desperately needs his mouth washed out with soap. And so does Toby Young). Read on to find out why.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE

This week we are graced with two guest judges, the first being Hung Huynh, speed demon and winner of Season 3. Hung was arrogant and selfish in his day, but he handles guest judgment well, especially considering what he has to eat.

This week's quickfire is the foil to the elimination challenge: It's the preservatives game! Here's how you play:
1. Look at the giant pile of generic canned foods.
2. Pick the least gross ones.
3. Make something in 15 minutes!

Our dainty gourmets are horrified, particularly Jeff, who describes the experience thusly:

"Padma reveals this ... pile of garbage. A lot of stuff that chefs would never use. It's a mess, Jesus Christ."

Hey ... this is nothing compared to the vending machine challenge of seasons past. Quit yer whining.

Hung fills his stomach with the reinvented canned goods, and picks Hosea's split-pea-and-Spam soup with crispy onion rings and pork rinds, Stefan's baked-bean soup with Spam and Velveeta grilled-cheese sandwiches and Jeff's fried baby conch, coconut sauce and pina colada as his favorites. He's not a fan of Leah's crispy waffles, strawberries and sausages, Radhika's red-bean dip and grilled bread or Jamie's horrifying take on bruschetta (garbanzo beans, artichoke and smoked mussels. From a can. Ewww).

Much to Hosea's dismay (he loaned Stefan some Spam), Stefan wins and gets immunity. I guess we're stuck with the narcissistic Finn for at least another week.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Once the quickfire is done, Padma presents the cheftestants with the knife block. They are divided into three teams: Chicken (Jamie, Stefan and Carla), Pig (Jeff, Fabio and Radhika) and Lamb (Ariane, Leah and Hosea). Their challenge is to create a simple meal using their protein and other seasonal ingredients — lunch for 16 people.

The chefs get their recipes together, go to sleep and wake up ready to hit the grocery store. They get in their cars and head out of the city. A suburban Whole Foods? Nay! They are on their way to guest judge No. 2 Dan Barber's restaurant, Blue Hill at Stone Barns. The twist: They don't have everything at Blue Hill that they have a Whole Foods! Time for a little reworking of the menu.

Here's what they come up with:

» Team Chicken: A chicken paillard with grilled corn salad, roast chicken with jus, fresh tomato salad and a chicken ravioli consomme (that's fancy talk for soup). A stone fruit tart for dessert.

» Team Lamb: Seared lamb loin, garlic-herb crusted leg of lamb (rolled into these unfortunate little bundles instead of left on the bone), rosemary new potatoes and an heirloom tomato salad. A berry trifle for dessert.

» Team Pig: Seared pork loin, pork sausage ravioli with pesto, fried green tomatoes and a corn salad. Creme brulee for dessert.

There's a little drama. Jamie and Stefan are working together, which sparks his unrequited-I-love-a-lesbian lust. Things get creepy in the chicken coop, when Stefan says (this is not for children or the faint of heart): "I look around the coop and realize I am the only guy there. It's me, Jamie, Carla, the farmer lady and about 100 hens. I'm the only cock in the stall. COCK. I love it."

He's talking about a rooster, of course. This is Bravo, not the Smut Hour with Jerry Springer. Right ... ?

JUDGE'S TABLE

The judges, Dan Barber and the farmers at Blue Hill all enjoy the meal, but alas, someone's gotta go. Team Chicken is called to the judges table first. They are the winners! Excellent paillard, fantastic dessert (by D.C. Carla, hooty hoo!), an all around success. And the nicest part ... they're all winners. Awww. A special congratulations to Carla for surviving the Jamie-Stefan Vortex of Bizarre.

Teams Pig and Lamb are called to the stand.

While they have issues with Team Pig (did Radhika do anything? anything at all?), Lamb is the losing team. Ariane is torn apart for her poor butchering skills, while her coy teammates Leah and Hosea do everything to make sure the other doesn't go home. Leah, who has been trash talking Ariane the whole episode, is not upfront with her role in the botched roasting process, and Hosea (who is apparently a great butcher) never stood up and helped her. Leah's look of self-entitlement is enough to earn her a spot on my hit list ... sweet and bubbly she is not.

Ariane, the Jersey girl who's grown on me over the weeks, is sent packing. We hope the rest of her team feels lighter now that they have tossed her squarely under the boss.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK
» Stefan: "How do you like dat, Hosea? How do you like dat in your face?"
» Carla (on working with Jamie and Stefan): "I can't create in that energy. In that friction."
» Fabio: "I'm driving and there is bushes, trees everywhere. And I'm thinking ... does eet look like we're going to the Whole Food market?"
» Toby: "The pesto is the big bad wolf that has blown the pig's house down."
» Carla: "I got my win. I'm finally on the board. Yeah, woohoo! Yeah, that's nice, feels good."

And to finish ... two of the best (weirdest? worst?) quotes in "Top Chef" history:

» Fabio (about a pig): "I am definitely not a vegetarian, but that doesn't mean I don't have respect for another life. You born, you be rais-ED, you killed for the purpose. But in this lifetime process, you should deserve respect."

» Toby: "There was something anemic about the pork dish. When I'm faced with a beautiful, well-reared piece of meat, I don't want to stand back and admire it, I want to have full-blown, unprotected sex. I didn't even get to first base with the pork."

If you were hungry, you're not anymore. Tata!