Hail to the Chef: In Grub and War

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Express' Karmah Elmusa leads you fearlessly into the "Top Chef" fray.

DRUMSTICK ROLL (starting strong today, people), please. This week's episode of "Top Chef" was the one we've been waiting for, the big kahuna, the challenge to trump all challenges. Welcome to Restaurant Wars.

For those of you unfamiliar with this "Top Chef" institution, let me elaborate. The chefs have 24 hours to open a restaurant — everything from decor to a menu, leaving plenty of room for egregious error and panic (read: entertainment for us).

Without further ado, let the battle begin.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE
Carla starts things off for us by referring to the situation on the ground as "psychological warfare " — wow, Nelly, we thought it was a cooking competition, but we'll take your word for it.

Tensions are running high as the remaining eight enter the "Top Chef" kitchen, where they find Padma and this week's guest judge, Stephen Starr, owner of a long list of restaurants up and down the East Coast, including Buddakan and Morimoto.

Right away, the chefs are told about the imminent war. The quickfire will allow each of them to present a dish that demonstrates the essence of the restaurant they would open, and Stephen Starr will then pick two winners to act as head chefs of the elimination challenge's dueling restaurants.

Readygo! In only 30 minutes, the chefs have to say it all — and some of them reallllly want this. But some of them, like Jamie, are smart, and know that being in charge in this challenge isn't necessarily the best idea. If your restaurant fails, you're going down with the ship you conceptualized.

Cut to the judging. Stephen is unimpressed by Jeff's slab o' salmon served with a sunchoke and artichoke puree. He likes Fabio's passion, but he wasn't a fan of his food: a trio of dishes, starting with a duo of sashimi, moving into a salad and ending with a fillet mignon sandwich.

» Fabio: It's fillet mignon with good cheese on a crusty French bread.
» Stephen: So, it's an upscale cheese steak.
» Fabio (aside): It's not a freakin' cheese steak. It's a fillet mignon sandwich.

On the flip side, Stephen is taken with Radhika's pan-seared cod atop butter braised corn and chorizo and Leah's dashi-tempura-poussin thingie that she mangles in her explanation of it (must taste better than it sounds). It's settled, then — Leah and Radhika are captains, and, as on the playground, must pick their teams. Radhika takes Jamie, Carla and Jeff. Leah takes Hosea (surprise!), Fabio and Stefan. Evil, evil Stefan, who is picked last because despite his cooking skills, no one can stand him.

LEAH AND HOSEA'S NIGHT OF LOVE
This week, our undercover lovers get their own section. Why? Because we saw them kissing and they KNOW we did, so they both have to admit it.

The cameramen are sneaking slyly around corners to where these "good friends" are lying intertwined on a chaise lounge, and we get a shot of them makin' out — until Hosea sees the camera and tries to act like nothing's going on, dude!

Now, as you may recall, they both have significant others, so the rest of the show is filled with "wah wah wah wah, I feel soooo guilty, I loooove my boy/girlfriend. I hope he/she forgives me." Save it, kids — your actions say you were begging to get caught.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Back to food. Team Radhika gets down to business — their concept is Indian-Middle Eastern, and in her sole contribution to her own restaurant, Radhika comes up with a name: Sahana. In Sanskrit, she tells us, this means strong and powerful. The irony of this coming from the meek (dare I say dull?) Radhika is just too much. But who knows, maybe she'll live up to it.

Team Leah is going with an Asian theme, and comes up with the brilliant name ... wait for it ... Sunset Lounge. They seem to think this is nothing short of genius. I think it sounds too much like Happy Endings Massage Parlor.

After spending thousands of dollars on decor, food and, you know, plates at Pier 1, Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods, the teams break down their menus for us. They are as follows:

Sahana: Curried carrot soup with chili oil and raita, grilled scallops with a chickpea cake, braised lamb with cous cous, snapper with white lentils, baklava served with a duo of frozen yogurts and a chocolate spice cake.

Jamie's lamb and soup are both perfection. Jeff also scores with his scallops and snapper. Carla does dessert — a miserable failure (she admits, "it's a hot mess"). The cake was bad, the frozen yogurt was soupy — is this the end for our D.C. representative? Team captain Radhika takes the front of the house — let's just say she handles her hostessing duties like an agitated zombie might. It's hard to be nervous and totally out of it at the same time, but she pulls it off.

Sunset Lounge: An amuse bouche (lame veggie spring roll served with lame sauce), sashimi three ways, short ribs, coconut curry bisque, seared cod and for dessert, chocolate parfait, panna cotta and a frozen, chocolate wrapped mango cube with mint.

Everything from this team is pretty well-received, except for the cod, which is totally raw. Great work by Team captain Leah — we'll slap a scarlet R (for raw) next to the A already emblazoned on her chef's coat.

The judges' (and other diners') very favorite things at Sunset Lounge are the desserts, each and every one made by Stefan. It's hard to deflate his ego when he keeps doing so well. And dear, dear Fabio rocks the front of the house like we knew he could — that Italian charmer knows his power: "I run the front of the house. We can serve monkey ass and empty clam shells and we gonna win this one."

JUDGES TABLE
Indeed, the win goes to Sunset Lounge, if by a narrow margin. Leah skates by on Stefan's desserts (he's the winner of the whole thing — gets a suite of GE kitchen appliances) and Fabio's uncanny ability to ham it up without going over the top. Hosea might as well not have been there. Oh, except to provide us with the scandal du jour.

That makes Sahana the losers. Jamie and Jeff are praised for their good work and told they are safe. Now it all comes down to whether Radhika's miserable leadership skills or Carla's disastrous desserts are the more egregious offense.

In another asinine pop-culture reference, Toby Young compares Carla's cap on the meal to Elvis' career: "This was like Elvis Presley — started out really strong and then died on the toilet."

Ouch.

After this, we're sure Carla's going home.

Nope! It's Radhika, the hostess with nada to offer — and I can't say I feel sympathy. When it comes to Restaurant Wars, go big or go pack your knives.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK
» Stefan (on Restaurant Wars): It's a huge deal, because you look like an idiot if you fuck it up.

» Stefan (on getting picked last): I could give a shit about that! I could give a shit!

» Radhika: I have a lot of tolerance for people, but Stefan drives me nuts.

» Hosea: If your restaurant sinks and burns, you could be the one going home.

» Stefan (on menu planning): This is a democracy at this point, so everyone has some bullshit input.

» Leah: I have a boyfriend at home that I want to be with after this whole thing is over. Which is probably not going to happen.

» Fabio: I'm going to each single table, charming, thick accent, saying, "Can I light your candle?"

» Carla: I wasn't happy with what I put out. I'm just going to send out some love with this stuff that I'm giving.
» Tom: But ... how could your enjoyment ... impart ... enjoyment ...
» Carla: That is my belief, Tom!!

Photos courtesy Bravo