The Odd Duck: Hail to the Chef

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Express' Karmah Elmusa introduces you to the new judge on the block.

AFTER A TWO WEEK hiatus, I'm starting off Hail to the Chef with a non sequitur, a fascinating little tidbit for the foodies. We Americans have happily incorporated foods like sushi and kimchi into our diets, and it turns out we've given their respective nations of origin something, too: fast-food pizza, which has been in turn been taken to a whole new level of special. Watch this, and this, and then say ewww and forward them to your friends. You're welcome.

Now, on with the show. Gail Simmons disappeared this week (she's married now, you know; married women have bigger concerns than appearing on a popular national television show), and was replaced by grumpy British journalist (and bugger) Toby Young. He's also the author of "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People," which is ever so fitting since he's neither particularly funny nor clever. He's just sort of ... odd. A poor man's Gordon Ramsay, if you will. Read on for more on "Top Chef's" new judge.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE

We start off with the usual blabber form the cheftestants about "how they're feeling" this week. Example: Hosea is "feeling awesome cuz he came back from near disaster." Stefan, on the other hand, doesn't "care that Hosea won. I run circles around the dude." Let's settle this in the kitchen, fellas.

When they arrive, they are greeted by Padma the Amazon and a man who can be identified as tres French before he opens his mouth. This is Jean-Christophe Novelli, pastry chef, guest-judge, and future star of his own Bravo show, Padma informs us.

The challenge is, of course, sweets-related: make a dessert in 45 minutes without using any real sugar. Oh, and I forgot to mention, this is the "Diet Dr. Pepper Quickfire" — which is somehow worse than Kenmore/Whole Foods/Glad Products plugging. DDP gets about 50 shout-outs over the course of the show, inducing aspartame-delight cravings nationwide. Ariane actually manages to use it in her dish, earning her extra screen time.

Cutting to the chase: None of these "desserts" are all that appealing (sorry, sugar has a time and a place and this is it), but there are favorites and least favorites, as usual. Novelli has no interest in Carla's botched banana, chocolate coin and baklava creation, in Ariane's whole wheat crepe or in Jamie's ricotta, mascarpone, phyllo dough and stewed-fruit confection. He likes Radhika's bread pudding, Leah's crepes with strawberries and a balsamic reduction and Jeff's baklava spring roll (as Jeff points out, he's from Miami ... he knows how to make a dessert for the weight-conscious). Radhika's bread pudding with honey roasted cashews is the winner, earning her immunity (aka, permission to screw up big time and suffer no consequences).

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

The chefs are chillin' at home, when what to their wondering eyes should appear but Tom Colicchio. He has three talking points. 1. Toby Young has arrived. The judges will taste today's offerings blind so that the new judge can get to know the chefs by their food. 2. The challenge will be to cook a family style meal, one dish per chef. They can cook anything they want, as long as they aim to impress. 3. Two chefs are headed home tonight. The heat is on, homeslices.

They divide up into two teams, A and B. Radhika gets to choose who she wants to cook with — she chooses "the team Stefan is not on." Team A is cooking first, and besides Radhika, consists of Melissa, Gene, Hosea, Fabio and Jamie. Things go as one would expect — Fabio is making ravioli (his "grandma has 500 years old recipes") with lamb, Melissa is doing tuna tacos, Hosea does halibut, Gene does a whole red snapper, Radhika goes for a crab bisque and Jamie is doing scallops. Again. No joke.

From Team B, we have a weird trio of sausage, sorbet and seafood from Jeff, braised red cabbage, duck and dumplings from Stefan, fried fish and beans from Leah, pan seared skate wing from Ariane and a pea risotto topped with a scallop and gremolada from Carla.

When it's time for service, we are presented with "the catch." Along with the judges, Team B will be judging Team A and vice versa. Not only that, but the team who cooked has to watch the tasting on a giant monitor in the kitchen. Rough stuff.

It's about time we met Toby Young. He looks like a grouch, responds to greetings awkwardly, and then commences to do what Bravo brought him here for: make nonsensical comments that are clearly intended to be cruel. Long, rambling pop-culture analogies seem to be his favorite, such as, "If you cast two British actors in the leads in a movie, and the supporting actor upstages them, etc. etc. etc." He's talking about halibut and vegetables, by the way. Sometimes he's more direct, but ever so cliche: "These are weapons of mass destruction [Radhika's crab bisque — like I said, good thing she has immunity]." "This tastes like cat food." I'm not laughing.

JUDGES' TABLE

There is a moment in the episode when Fabio undercooks his sous vide lamb and I have a moment of panic, in which I think, "If he goes home, what the **** am I going to blog about?" But my fears are eased. This week's bottom three are Gene, Melissa and Carla. The favorites are Ariane, Jamie and Stefan.

Good news first. Well, sort of. Ariane's chocolate and pineapple skate wing earn her praise, and Stefan's duck is also well received, but Jamie's scallops with roasted fennel, orange and a garlic puree take it. Her ridiculous ego has finally been fed with the win she feels she deserves. Yay.

Gene, Melissa and Carla come face to face with the judges, and sadly, only one of them will stay. While creative, Gene's daikon fettucine with tomato and basil and his flavorless red snapper didn't do it for anyone. Melissa's tacos weren't good, they weren't creative ... she's done. And Carla ruined her risotto with the gremolada (too garlicky) and the scallop. Melissa (obv) and Gene (sort of obv) are sent packing, and our D.C. girl Carla is given another chance. Do us proud next week, Big C.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Fabio: "Jamie is making scallop again. This is "Top Chef" not "Top Scallop!"
Fabio: "Breakfast of champions. Spam and pork and bean."
Stefan: "Hosea's food looks like green vomit."
Fabio (on Toby Young): "He's a really bad ass food critic from England. He's gonna pissed off alotta people."
Carla: "I want to be able to hear my intuition."
Fabio: "I can do fresh pasta with one hand tied on the back."
Stefan (on earning praise from Tom Colicchio): "Zaaaa, Colicchio! Baaa!"
Tom: "I hate that the fish gives up its life and then gets overcooked."
Tom: "Melissa, you showed us who you are. And what you showed was a lack of imagination and creativity."