Tourist Trappings: Advice for the Out-of-Towners

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THRONGS OF PEOPLE. Crowded subway cars. Frustratingly camouflaged bathrooms. These are some of the hurdles that those visiting the D.C. area face -- on a good day.

If you're an out-of-towner (and chances are, many of you reading this are), welcome to Washington -- kinda. The city you're visiting isn't really the Washington we locals know; it's a strange, sawed-off, hyped-up alternate universe filled with historic events, spontaneous concerts and a constellation of celebrities -- and crowded with millions of extra mouths to feed, including your own.

So, you're not really catching us on a good day.

To help make your visit to the capital-on-'roids a little less rage-filled, here are some words of advice.

» KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING
Before you set foot in our inauguration-swelled streets, be sure you understand the terrain. The numbered streets run north/south; the lettered streets run east/west. The state streets run diagonally and the circles are there to punish us. And, yes, there's a D Street in Northwest, Northeast, Southwest and Southeast, so those cardinal directions in street names matter, unless you're looking for a Starbucks. Those are everywhere.

Here's a helpful map of the Mall area from our colleagues at The Washington Post. And when in doubt, there's always Google.

» GO WITH THE FLOW ON METRO
Many streets and bridges will be closed to traffic, so the only way to get around -- aside from using your feet -- will be on our Metro public transit system, which will be overtaxed, to say the least. The easiest way to make sure that schmuck causing the 45-minute delays on the Red Line isn't you is not to attempt to thrust any appendages into train doors as they close. They won't spring back open, and they're as delicate as Emily Dickinson, but without the flare for rhyme. Break 'em, and you've bought a world of hurt.

Two more tips: Metro officials forbid eating or drinking in the system, and they mean it. Also, many regular Metro riders like to walk up the left side of escalators, and if you're in their way, they'll go from pleasant to indignant faster than you can say "Hi, I'm from Indianapolis." Passive-aggression is an art form in D.C., and you want no part of it. If you're going to stand on an escalator, do it on the right side.

» OBEY ALL RULES, EVEN THE STUPID ONES
Inauguration weekend is not a time to test our government's threat response system because you wanted to traipse through the Capitol's East Lawn despite the signs and guards telling you not to. Our normally watchful security types will be more vigilant than bargain hunters on double-coupon day. Disregarding placards, fences and shouted instructions is a good way to end up on CNN -- and not as one of its heroes.

» DON'T FREAK OUT
There will be motorcades and police cars and armed guards. There will be guns drawn and loud noises and the sweet smell of controlled chaos. And there will be tons of other people -- some who are slower and, well, dumber than you -- and they'll likely be in your way. Keep your wits about you, or you and your meltdown could become big stars on YouTube.

Good luck out there.

» HEY, LOCALS: Have any of your own advice for tourists? Leave it in the comments section below. Speak now or forever hold your simmering resentment.

Art by Jack Black for Express