Hail to the Chef: Swan Song of the South

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Express' Karmah Elmusa breaks down Part 1 of the "Top Chef" finale.

THE END IS drawing near. On this week's "Top Chef," the final four, cast and crew fly south to New Orleans, did some cooking, and BAM! ... you have your top three. But first, like any good "Top Chef" finale Part 1, there are twists, turns, a subdued Emeril Lagasse and a second chance for Mr. Miami, aka Jeff. You think I've given it all away up front ... but there's so much more to know. Read on for the bittersweet details.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE

Carla, Hosea, Fabio and Stefan are all feelin' good, feelin' ready, feelin' N'Awlins. They've had some down time and are confident, except for Stefan, who feels downright entitled to the win, the money and a emerald encrusted scepter to top it all off. The last four cheftestants are greeted by Padma and her easily recognizable guest-judge (and surprisingly quiet), Emeril Lagasse. Lagasse hosts a gaggle of food network shows, owns 10 New Orleans eateries and has his own spice mix (Emeril's "essence") — nevermind that he's from Massachusetts, the man knows his cajun and creole flavors.

Surprise No. 1 hits us right in the face — Jeff, Jamie and Leah arrive on the scene. Jamie and Leah both have made some adjustments to their hair and makeup (it's amazing what seeing yourself on TV in a chef's coat will do to your self-image), while Jeff retains his slightly tousled Beach Boy Ken Doll facade. The challenge? These three have to make a crawfish dish, and whoever wins will be back in the game.

Long, chatty story short: Leah has "no idea what she's doing, so she's making a gumbo." Shocking. Jeff makes a tasty looking crawfish and grits dish accented with andouille sausage and beer. Mmm .... beer. Jamie does a Crescent City style eggs benny — a corncake topped with poached eggs, and an andouille sausage and crawfish hollandaise. We assume (and really, really hope) that Leah's watered-down "gumbo" takes her out of the running. It does! It's the battle of the Js. Jeff takes it, giving him another shot at Top Chefdom.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

We're back to five hopefuls, which means ... another catch! Turns out Jeff's living on the chopping block — he has to win this elimination in order to go on to the finale. Nooo pressure, buddy. If he goes, one other person goes with him. If he wins, two of the original final four are sent packing. Make it count, cooks (that includes you, Stefan).

After a delightful dinner at Emeril's Delmonico, the chefs are told they will each be cooking two dishes and one cocktail for 100 people at a masquerade ball being thrown for the Krewe of Orpheus at the New Orleans Museum of Art. They have access to everything in the Delmonico kitchen, and 6 total hours to get ready.

The menus are as follows:

» Carla: Oyster stew with potato, bacon and scallions. A shrimp and andouille sausage beignet. A cranberry and lime spritzer (non-alcoholic).

» Hosea: An "authentic" gumbo. Pecan crusted catfish with a Tabasco beurre blanc. A pomegranate hurricane.

» Stefan: Duck and rabbit gumbo over creamy grits. An apple beignet. Black cherry and New Zealand rum cocktail.

» Fabio: A maque choux with sausage and rabbit. Homemade casarecci pasta with crawfish and crab stew. Fresh muffaletta bread. A bell pepper cocktail.

» Jeff: Fried oyster served over sausage and arugula. A pots de creme with crawfish and shitake mushroom. A cucumber mojito.

In the kitchen, Carla is shucking 100 oysters. She learned to shuck oysters last week. Fabio is baking bread from scratch. Jeff is stuffing fresh sausage. Hosea is on a mission to make the world's darkest roux. And Stefan ... oh, Stefan. Stefan is using premade sausage, mocking his teammates, taking frequent smoke breaks. As Hosea says, "Stefan's Achilles heel is that he thinks he's got this thing in the bag."

At the masquerade (which feels to Fabio like "an old porno," whereas I am having "Eyes Wide Shut" flashbacks. Same thing.) one of the judges reveals herself to be Gail Simmons. HA! If I never see Toby Young again it'll be too soon — good riddance grumpy, unamusing middle-aged man.

JUDGES' TABLE

This was the season's strongest showing. The judges were nitpicking — faults with any of the dishes were hard to come by. Fabio's pasta could've been spicier, his cocktail could've been tastier. Stefan could've tried harder and been less of a cocky ass (excuse my French). Oh, and his beignet could've been hotter. Etc. etc. etc.

In the end ... our girl Carla wins it. And what is the prize this round? A frickin' car — a Toyota Frenza. Everything she did was perfect, and filled with all that Carla love. Who's not happy about this? She's a D.C. lady and the underdog (or the fast tortoise) — Hail to the Chef salutes you, Carla.

That means Jeff is out, but with much praise from Emeril, he leaves on a high note. Hosea is in. That means ... it's down to Team Europe. Will cocky, arrogant Stefan stay or will Fabio, Top Chef of My Heart, make it to the finals?

Life doesn't always go my way. Fabio is sent packing. In my humble opinion, a grave injustice has occurred here — we're looking at two weeks worth of mediocrity from Stefan, and still he stays. The silver lining is that now I know exactly who I am rooting for — while Hosea and Stefan are battling it out/nursing their thinly veiled man crushes on each other, Carla will sneak in and win it all. Hooty hoo!

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

» Fabio: My car is a piece of poop and I can't take it anymore.
» Fabio: The first [Halloween] I was a cat woman, the second year I was a wonder woman. You gotta have balls to go as a woman.
» Hosea: This would've been the first "Top Chef" without a mohawk until Fabio fucked it up.
» Tom: Stefan seems the most confident, almost cocky. Sometimes it's good to sweat a little.
» Carla: It's the whole Mardi Gras thing, except you don't have to flash.
» Stefan: I tried Hosea's gumbo. It sucked.
» Fabio: I'm going to come back big big time. I'm going to go home and cook my ass off every day for 120 hours a week.

I agree, sir. Shouldn't be too long before the networks start vying for "The Fabio Show."