Hail to the Chef: The Big Threesy

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Express' Karmah Elmusa recaps the season finale of "Top Chef New York."

WELCOME TO THE FINAL installment of my blog . It's OK people, we have no doubt there are more seasons of our beloved "Top Chef" to come, and I'll have to follow them closely in hopes that the outcome will be more to my liking. Yes, that's something of a spoiler ... but there is so much finale goodness to inhale before we get to bitter end.

There's cheftestants of seasons past, there's a jazz musician, there's an alligator. There's perhaps the biggest shock in "Top Chef" history (Stefan being nice). All in all, the journey is a delight — sit back and enjoy.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

The Final Threesy are in The Big Easy for the showdown, and there's no quickfire this week because ... quickfires are for amateurs! Either that or there's no need for one since there can only be one winner. The chefs start their day with a beignet breakfast on the Creole Queen Boat. Carla's feelings on being in the finale? "Wow." Stefan is sad that Fabio is gone, but he's there to win, etc. Hosea ... oh who cares what Hosea says? It's never memorable. Reminds me of his food. Zing!

Tangent alert! At some point during the episode, the final three are visited by a tarot card reader. Stefan talks creepily about stabbing his Carla and Hosea voodoo dolls (the "Psycho" music rings in my ears), and then asks the reader about a woman named Jamie. After studying his palm, she informs him, "Jamie could be your girlfriend." Well, I guess her credibility is shot to hell — doesn't the word lesbian mean anything to you people?

Tom lays out the challenge. It's the finale classic: Cook the judges the best three course meal of your life. The meal will be prepared in the legendary Commander's Palace, and of course, the chefs are getting some help.

We see three figures walking towards us. Is it Fabio? Is it past winners? Who could it be? Turns out, it's those who came close but lost out on the crown. How encouraging! Richard, Casey and Marcel are the sous chefs in this finale, and it's to the knife block to figure out who's assisting whom.

Hosea gets knife 1 and ends up choosing Richard. Stefan get second pick and goes with the vilified Marcel (who has maintained his Wolverine 'do and added a pair of Bono sunglasses to the look), which leaves Carla with Casey. Initially, this is a happy development. Yay for women! Yay for names that start with C! Yay for chefs that are both talented in their own rights!

As they start their prep, ideas are flying through the air ... to do a dessert, not to do a dessert. What proteins should I use? And then there's the lovely Casey, suggesting to Carla that she sous vide her beef. Funny, Carla has never cooked using that particular method. Good idea, Casey, let's try something new in the finale!

After a night to ponder, the chefs are back in the morning for the big day. And there's Tom, with the twist: the chefs have to serve a fourth course using an ingredient that is native to the region. He presents a basket containing red fish, alligator and blue crabs. The chefs then have to eat pieces of a King Cake, and whoever gets the baby not only gets to pick their protein but gets to dole out the others as well. Hosea wins, chooses the red fish, gives Carla the crab and gives his arch-nemesis! Stefan the alligator.

After more deliberation, the chefs' menus are as follows:

» Carla: A shiso soup with blue crab and a chayote salsa. Seared snapper over bouillabaisse with a saffron aioli and a brioche crouton topped with a clam. Sous vide beef and potatoes. A blue cheese souffle served with an apple tartlet, marmalade and cress salad.

» Hosea: A corn cake topped with remoulade and seared red fish. A trio of sashimi with citrus. A foie gras topped scallop with apple compote. Roasted venison with mushrooms with a blackberry demi-glace.

» Stefan: Alligator soup with celeriac and parsley leaves. A frozen halibut and salmon carpaccio. Pan-seared squab with braised cabbage. A dessert of chocolate mousse, stracciatella ice cream and a lollipop.

All sounds good, huh? Oh, except for that blue cheese souffle, which sounds like an extremely risky move when it's all on the line. That was Casey's other brilliant contribution to Carla's menu. Sous vide beef and a stinky cheese souffle ... so glad you're along for the ride, Casey.

The chefs serve their meal to a formidable panel of judges: Tom, Gail, Padma and Toby are all on hand. They are joined by our dearly departed Fabio Viviani, Susan Spicer, John Besh, Rocco DiSpirito, Branford Marsalis, Tory McPhail, Hubert Keller and Commander's Palace proprietor Ti Martin.

Cooking and service goes off without a hitch. Oh, except for that giant hitch where Carla's souffle curdles rendering it totally inedible. I realize that Carla needs to follow her heart (it was leading her towards a cheese tart) in these situations, but I just have to say again, THANK YOU, CASEY. Suggesting one of the most fickle dishes in the culinary world was really a brilliant move here, we appreciate your input.

Sarcasm aside, Carla's final course looks sad considering the plate's main element is missing, and while other parts of her meal are raved about, we know she's out of the running. Hootie hoo, D.C. lady — we're still proud!

JUDGES' TABLE

Stefan is criticized for both his carpaccio (freezing the fish made it watery) and his dessert (not a high note to go out on). Carla's lack-of-souffle was obviously a problem, and the other thing the judges didn't like was her sous vide beef (again, Casey, where do we send the thank you cards?). Hosea's meal was generally well-received — there is only some question as to whether he should have finished the meal with venison instead of dessert.

When the chefs are given the chance to make their final pleas, Carla wrenches hearts nationwide by tearfully saying: "I've proven that when I cook my food it's very delicious. Do I think my food is good? Yes. When I cook my food, yes."

Stefan tears up as well and attempts to comfort his fellow chef, a move that makes it clear in my mind that if Carla can't win, at least this Finn with a complicated personality and an amazing talent should take home the title.

Nope. Ladies and gentleman ... your Top Chef is Hosea. Couldn't tell you one thing he cooked all season, or one thing he said. All I could tell you is that he cheated on his girlfriend and created a rivalry with Stefan that he knew the producers would like. In five seasons of "Top Chef," this is without a doubt the most boring outcome we've seen. My zest for life is temporarily depleted.

To end on a lighter note ... it's been a good run, and I can't wait to see what Season 6 brings.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK:

» Stefan: "I make alligator soup ... what else am I going to do? Alligator dumplings?"
» Carla: "It's like that last 6.2 miles of a marathon. Go CARLA! You can do it!"
» Branford Marsalis: "It's cool sitting around and listening to chefs talk cuz they talk just like musicians."
» Padma (on Stefan's dessert): "It was pedestrian at best."
» Carla: "When I came here I wanted to show people how to compete differently ... with soul and with love. So I did one of the things I came here to do."