The Cheapskate's Guide to Valentine's Day

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PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS complaining about how much they hate Valentine's Day. New Year's Eve is overrated, Thanksgiving can be volatile, and Passover or Ramadan fasting can provoke crankiness, but no holiday is as universally disparaged as Feb. 14. Single people feel conspicuous, and those in couples feel obliged to somehow materially demonstrate their affection.

One option is actually skipping it. If both you and your loved one can mutually agree that your relationship doesn't need to be symbolically confirmed with the purchase of socially mandated gifts on a particular day, by all means liberate yourselves. This will free up funds for meals out on less crowded nights, gifts you might actually want or even, God forbid, mundane daily expenses.

If you have to celebrate Valentine's Day, however, at the very least you shouldn't have to spend much money. Below, you ll find some inexpensive Valentine possibilities that just might convince your loved one to agree to a no-gift policy next year.

EBay has proven a cheap gift hotbed in the past, and yet again options abound. Only one lucky bidder will receive the Pretty as a Princess pink Valentines dog dress, and no doubt they will have a very romantic evening, but there are plenty of other strange and unique possibilities.

For those less inclined to plan ahead, local stores have plenty of inexpensive options as well. For example, Mt. Pleasant's Dollar Star knows that nothing is more romantic than flowers on Valentine's Day. The proprietors also know Dollar Star shoppers, and while these consumers have probably become accustomed to very little in the store actually costing a dollar, they are probably not going to splurge on a dozen long-stemmed roses. Instead, the store offers myriad fake floral possibilities. Go for the wooden bouquet if you like, but my (very) hot pick is the $1.99 nylon variety, whose petals open to reveal a lacy red thong, size large.

A fine non-floral option from Dollar Star is a festive set of Valentine window clings ($1.99), which deployed correctly could completely freak out a potential romantic interest. Imagine your workplace crush arriving at his cubicle to discover it adorned in hearts with messages like "My Forever Love." Even better, imagine your workplace crush leaving his home in the morning and finding it decorated accordingly. Now quit thinking like a stalker and keep this concept safely confined within your imagination.

CVS, despite the multiple aisles devoted to Valentine paraphernalia, was relatively disappointing. It does have the largest selection of inexpensive Valentine candy, but avoid the gross Russell Stover selections and pink circus peanuts and head straight for the Palmer Toadally Yours hollow chocolate frog with gummy bug inside!

While CVS starts stocking Valentine's Day merchandise as soon as the new year begins (there's Easter candy out now), the 7-11 chain seems aware that anyone who will be gift shopping in a 7-11 will probably not be doing so well in advance. When I visited my local store a week and a half before the holiday, they had a few items out, including a stuffed gorilla that made kissing sounds, but by this week they will hopefully be prepared for an influx of procrastinators with a greater variety of noise-making stuffed animals. You will pay for the convenience, since Kissy the Gorilla (not his real name) was a steep $9.99.

I do have one legitimate Valentine suggestion, at least for those who find this type of kitsch amusing. A trip to the Dollar Star, or your local dollar store equivalent, could be a legitimately fun excursion. Agree to purchase your date any ridiculous item they select and have them reciprocate. After all, why let society tell you that hearts and flowers are the only ways to express romantic love? Why not a purple ukulele, or cheap hair extensions, or a Jonas Brothers singing pen?

Written by Express contributor Meg Zamula
Palmer Toadally Yours photo courtesy R.M. Palmer