The Serious Guide to Wacky Valentine's Day Gifts

| Print Post This | Like (0) | Comments (0)

EVERY TIME FEB. 14 rolls around, it's the same old, same old: If you're a lady in a relationship, you can bank on chocolates (mmm, Hershey's Pot of Gold); flowers (roses, if you're lucky); and possibly some vaguely inappropriate undergarments (after all, Valentine's Day is probably the only holiday when an offering from Frederick's of Hollywood is totally socially accepted, and even expected).

And if you're a dude ... well, you don't really get anything if you're a dude. For men, Valentine's Day is more about giving than getting — kind of like a more sexually charged Christmas, but with more delicious treats (chocolates > eggnog any day). And if you happen to be a guy who needs to get his girl a gift, yet also wants to break out of that whole yum-yums/plants/lingerie thing, we don't blame you.

Instead, we lovingly embrace your free-thinking spirit and outside-the-box ideology — so much so that we assembled a handy-dandy list of some of the wackiest Valentine's Day gifts available on the fine World Wide Web, all for your buying pleasure. Be warned: They're all pretty ridiculous, but hey, every girl wants a guy who can make her laugh, right?

EAT YOUR HEART OUT
The old standbys — Whitman samplers, those huge (albeit hollow) Hershey's kisses or Cadbury chocolate oranges — aren't just that exciting anymore. But instead of going over the top and spending $2 a truffle at Godiva (although we must admit, those caramelized apple chocolates are delicious), why not be more unique and show her your heart — literally? We're thinking an anatomically correct chocolate heart ($14.95 at Chocolate by Mueller) or even a gummy one ($4.95 at McPhee.com) would be pleasant alternatives to the typical 12-piece assortment. Now, if only that chocolate heart was filled with caramelized apples ....

LICK IT UP
Maybe your lady friend has a hankering for hard candy instead, and you're thinking of investing in something besides Charms Blow Pops or Tootsie Roll pops for once in your life.

But this idea may turn to be great or awful, as you could go the genitalia-inspired route with some lollipops straight out of that one scene from "A Clockwork Orange" ($1.39 each from Bachelorette.com); delve into her psyche with suckers depicting Sigmund Freud's face ($27.95 for a box of 24 at McPhee.com); or figure out just how she feels about you with a voodoo-like lolly ($9.95 each at McPhee.com).

HOW MANY CARATS?
Jared and Mervis might be trying to force diamonds down your throat (and your bank account) this month, and it would be easy to think your girl might be looking for some bling of her own. But if you don't want to drop hundreds of dollars on that diamond-studded, heart-shaped pendant that everyone else seems to own, get her something that will quench her thirst — literally.

With the 2-carat cup ($18, FredFlare.com), she can decorate her finger and get her drink on, all at once. And the cup's crafty box is also bound to get some "oohs" and "aahs," unless she really did think you got her a ring and then hates you for not actually doing so. That would suck.

CLAP ON
Sexually transmitted diseases aren't usually a pleasant Valentine's gift — unless they're the plush ones from GiantMicrobes.com. There's a wide range of these adorable and cuddly little guys ($7.95 for each 5-inch to 7-inch plush), including the green, spiky Chlamydia; the yellow, sun-like Herpes; and the blue, pill-esque Gonorrhea. Or, give your sweetie a smooch and the kissing disease with the lavender, Furby-looking Mono.

BLOW IT UP
A large, inflatable heart ($16 at UrbanOutfitters.com) might seem somewhat useless. We agree, but you could accompany it with a spiel about how its size symbolizes your love and the importance of your relationship and all that. Sounds good to us.

A SMELLY FRENZY
If you happen to be dating a fangirl teenager (or anyone unhealthily obsessed with vampires, "Twilight" or anything else related to the walking undead heartthrob that is Edward Cullen), you might want to look into purchasing perfume based on Stephenie Meyer's book/film sensation ($48 for a 2.7 fl oz bottle at Torrid.com) for her. That way, she can smell just like Bella, the girl of Edward's dreams!

The gift would probably be a hit for the right person, but be prepared for whatever bizarre, vampire-themed fantasies that will inevitably ensue. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Written by Expresss contributor Roxana Hadadi