Bauer by Hour: You, Sir, Are No Jack Bauer

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Matt Swenson knows there is only one Jack Bauer.

The following takes place between 11 p.m. and midnight

EVERYONE KNOWS TONY ALMEIDA is no Jack Bauer. He just went ahead and proved it as "24" moved to the bewitching hour this week.

Taken captive by the evil Starkwood — as I hear "Jericho" fans think Ravenwood — Tony thinks he's been freed by Jon Voight's right-hand man.

Why not? After all, we saw the henchman shoot another bad guy in the back and uncuff Tony. The stooge then demands immunity in exchange for spilling the beans on where the WMD is located in this enormous military facility.

All seems OK with the G-men, led by Larry Moss (now a true believer in Jack Bauer), as they storm the site.

Guess what? The weapon isn't where the bad guy said it was was (shocking!). The result? The FBI becomes surrounded by Starkwood's macho militia. Bonus: The guy "shot" dead surprises Tony by, well, being alive.

Would Jack ever get played like that? Of course not!

Now to the minutes ...

» WHERE'S JACK? Not a lot of Kiefer action this week after he tests positive for the biological weapon's radiation. He's reunited with Agent Crybaby but while sparks fly, there's no lovey-dovey scene yet. Poor Jack is stuck in FBI headquarters, where he has to watch Tony's screw-up on the tube just like the rest of us.

» MOVIN' ON UP: The president's snake-in-the-grass daughter is named interim White House Chief of Staff after the warden from "The Shawshank Redemption" quit last week. Based on the trailer, she appears ready to sleep with a reporter next week to kill a story. Classy. She's rising in villainy quickly.

» HOORAY: One nice touch from the first daughter was her dragooning uber Secret Service agent Aaron Pierce. He's a cool dude, sure, but the poor guy always seems to end up working for some wretched politicians.

» TREKKING: Last week, you'll recall "Trip" from "Star Trek: Enterprise" got a role as a patrol officer saved by Jack. This week, writers Manny Coto and Brannon Braga — who not-so-coincidently were "Enterprise's" masterminds — throw another "Trek" reference in: A possible chief of staff candidate is named Rick Berman. That would be the guy who took over "Star Trek" after Gene Roddenberry passed away ... and ruined it.

» MIA: Jack's illness must be how Kim Bauer returns, but it's not this week. No Naked Mandy either.

» WHY THIS SHOW IS "24" AND YOUR SHOW ISN'T MOMENT: Jack is shirtless not once, but twice this week. But unlike many other TV shows, there's hardly a hunky element to it. We're talking countless scars all over Jack's torso. Yikes. He even has tell visibly stunned CDC responders that they aren't a side effect!