Baggage Check: SF Seeks Scum For Parenthood

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My best friend let it slip that she is expecting. The baby is a result of a drunken tryst. She's had a roller-coaster relationship with the father, who left her to reunite with his former girlfriend. He has lied to her and stolen money from her, and yet she still believes that, because of the baby, he will come back.
— Help!

Friends can make us crazy. Not just by their desire to drag us to the likes of "2 Fast 2 Furious," but by making bad, self-sabotaging choices or having irrational beliefs that force us to watch from the sidelines in horror.

Your friend is in the throes of a very stressful situation. It's not surprising that she's struggling to deal with it in a levelheaded way, and, right now, more than bashing her reasoning, you can help her by being a support for her (and possibly this child) when the inevitable day of reckoning comes. You need not lie nor keep your opinion totally quiet. Express your concerns briefly and gently, and use them as a way to encourage her to build up other strengths and goals that don't involve Mr. Larceny, but then focus on being there for her (she's going to need it).

I have heard people say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I've been married for 14 years to a man who is sensitive, caring and a good provider but, yes, has cheated. I forgave him but never forgot. The problem is we've not been intimate for more than six months, and I'm wondering whether the old saying is true. It's really hard for me to initiate anything, as I don't have any desire, and he never even tries. How long can someone go without before looking elsewhere? Do you think he already has?
— Wondering in Woodbridge

I assume you got through that awful time with a lot of honest, patient communication. Now is no different. Just when you feel like closing in, that's exactly when you need to open up. There are many reasons he may have stopped initiating physical intimacy, not the least of which is that maybe he's picking up on your lack of desire. And, yes, there's the possibility that he's fallen into an old pattern. But as a psychologist and not an astrologist (the diploma mill misprinted my degree), there's no way I can tell you. I can only encourage you to talk it out.

You may have hoped I'd tell you to expect the worst (or give you reason to hope for the best), but I'll argue that regardless of whether the problem is named Sheila, there's still a problem. A lack of physical and emotional intimacy and honest, trusting communication can spell just as much doom for a marriage as an unidentifiable pair of undies. Bring up your concerns about the distance you're feeling, and go from there. And don't hesitate to find a more supportive and open place to talk — a therapist's office — either jointly or alone.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express