Idol Chatter: Kris's Krossing -- Allen Wins 'American Idol'

Express' Greg Barber recaps the "American Idol" finale.

THIS IS IT, AMERICA. The popcorn is popped, the drinks are poured, the athletic protectors are settled into their appropriate places (Seacrest must be prepared at all times, right?) — it's the "American Idol" finale.

Just two singers remain: Kris Allen and Adam Lambert. They've already sung the final songs on which they'll be judged. In fact, they've already been judged. The die is already cast. All we have to do is find out whose number's up.

And the winner is: ... something that'll be announced after more than two freakin' hours of plugs and promos and performances and other star-studded razzamataz.

Get comfy, people. We're in for the long haul. A haul so long, in fact, that Adam and Kris will be blasted off into space before it's over!

Wait, those white outfits they're both in aren't space suits? Darn. Well, that's less than exciting.

What is exciting? Random Celebrity Cutaway Theater! Wherein we're treated to split-second shots of faces we should recognize, but don't always.

Among the first people we see are ... hooo boy, people I don't recognize. Is Mo'Nique one of them? Then, there's a gal who looks like the love child of Sarah Jessica Parker and Mayim Bialik (which, I'm proud to say, I spelled correctly on my first try!). Sigh. Celebrities are getting less interesting to me.

Holy crap, what the hell is up with Randy? Yesterday, he rolled in looking like a poor man's Willy Wonka. Tonight, he's wearing the latest ensemble from the Orville Redenbacher collection.

I like the Randy "for me, for you" montage that the "Idol" team prepared, though. Almost as much as Kara's "sweetie" barrage, Paula's word-nerdery and Simon's cavalcade of questions. Aaaaaand the fact that we spent a good couple minutes just on the judges' introductions sets the scene for how very, very long a show tonight's "Idol" experience will be.

LIVE FROM EVERYWHERE
We check in first with Mikalah Gordon, who's grown, sadly, no less shouty than she was during "Idol" season four or last year's finale. She's been foisted on the good people of Conway, Arkansas — Kris's hometown — where the townsfolk have not yet turned on her. They still have time.

Next, it's perhaps the saddest moment so far this season. Reporting from San Diego, from whence Adam came, is Carly Smithson, a season seven contestant. Who actually has a great voice. But apparently she's taking any gig she can get her hands on. Directly after her live shot, she took a call from the mid-'80s, which wanted her hair back.

But our final stop on our whip around random places is Awkwardsville, where we find the "Idol" top 13 doing a final frenetic group sing to Pink's brash post-divorce screed, "So What?."

It shows that someone in Idol Central has a sense of humor: Making folks like Jorge Nunez and Alexis Grace, who've been cooling their heels off-screen since it was cold outside, get up on stage and sing lyrics like, "So what? I'm still a rock star. I've got my rock moves. And I don't need you. ... And you're a tool," to the audience who voted them off.

Fun.

GHOST OF "IDOL" PAST
We can't crown a new American Idol, of course, without hearing from the reigning one: David Cook. He performs his song "Permanent" from his post-"Idol" self-titled album. It's a slow-burn rockish ballad -- one of the album's most thoughtful songs.

David's voice is no less powerful than it was when he snatched the "Idol" title last year. He's created quite a career for himself in the past year — it's an example his successor should surely look to.

Out in the audience, two people who might not be such great examples: Justin Guarini! Michael Johns!

Then, oh God, the Golden Idol Awards are back — a moment for the smug "Idol" producers and the even smugger Seacrest to embed one more shoeprint on the folks who were already kicked around by the show during the auditions. I thought this old chestnut had finally been cracked. But nope, here it is.

Outstanding Male goes, of course, to Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle — the "comedian" who somehow, defying the odds and the wishes of pretty much everyone, made it through to the top 36.

Of course, he's given yet another chance to reprise his funny-ish performance of "And I'm Telling You" before he disappears from the stage to take his rightful place in a dozen or so sets of Wikipedia footnotes. I'm already working on forgetting his name.

THE RAINMAKERS
The next performers are a smidge more deserving of the stage: Queen Latifah and a rejuvenated-looking (and -sounding) Lil Rounds, who finally seems to have gotten her groove back after a dismal showing in her final weeks on the show. They sing Latifah's "Cue the Rain — and, who knew?, they harmonize really well.

Unfortunately, a cutaway shot to Paula shows that her chestal area and her dress aren't enjoying a similar symbiotic relationship. The top of it seems to be poking into her skin as she dances in place. It looks kinda painful. And not what you'd call attractive.

Next up, Anoop Desai and Alexis Grace sing along with Jason Mraz as he croons his radio-saturating hit, "I'm Yours." I had heard he'd be on the show and had kinda hoped he'd be dueting with Kris. Ah well. By the way, if you want to hear a vocal range that doesn't quit, Mraz has it. He and Adam should have a note-off.

After a quick Kris retrospective — I hope he burned that hat he wore during his audition, by the way — we see Kris saddle up for some country, singing "Kiss a Girl" with Keith Urban. It's a great song for him — light and poppy. And we shoulda known Conway could rock a country tune, y'all.

I'm starting to wonder, though, if making whatever song he touches sound like mainstream pop is a super power Kris has.

More gratuitous shots of Justin Guarini! Any, um, real celebrities in the crowd tonight? Anyone? Bueller?

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS
The ladies of the "Idol" Top 13 give us a quick romp through Fergie's "Glamorous" — wow, does Megan Joy still sound like crud — before the Fergster herself appears on stage to sing "Big Girls Don't Cry." And that performance then gives way to an appearance by Fergie's band, the Black-Eyed Peas. Who apparently did something naughty? Because I saw a solid 10 seconds of the "American Idol" logo turning at about 30 seconds into their performance. I'm curious to hear what actually happened.

I'm guessing it was a language issue. Unless Fergie's form-fitting outfit didn't quite, um, fit her form at some point.

Also, the freaky zebra people dancing in the background kinda skeeve me out. How do they see in those face-covering costumes?

THAT'S who Randy looks like! Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens! Doncha think?

The Golden Idol Awards resume. And if you thought we'd make it through the final show of season eight without at least one more mention of the most talked about nobody in season eight — "Bikini Girl" Katrina Darrell — then I'd like to live in the wonderful world you inhabit. Because no.

By the way, I'd like to formally apologize for putting her picture into the Express print edition more times than I'd care to count. Fox wasn't really forthcoming with other pictures, so, well, she was what we had to work with. Sorry. Well, except for those of you who liked it. In that case, you're welcome.

Oh, and Alexis Cohen! I heart her.

But, of course, the Golden Idol goes to Bikini Katrina. Who once again wears her bikini. And am I crazy or are objects in the mirror more swollen than they were earlier in the season?

"I'd ask you what's new, but I think I know," Seacrest quips. Yeah, that's right. I think I can still see a price tag dangling from her chest.

She sings "Vision of Love" And then — oh this is great! She's joined by Kara! A turn of events it's pretty clear Katrina didn't know would occur.

Kara appears to want to duet. Katrina tries, but stops. Then, Kara belts the song home. And rips open her dress to reveal that she, too, is wearing a bikini. I've seen a lot of jive "Idol" skits in my day, but this one is truly hilarious. Well played.

Hey, David Archuleta's in the audience. Sitting next to Stevie Nicks? Nah. Can't be. Right?

TIME AFTER TIME ... AFTER, SIGH, TIME
Allison Iraheta — the final gal to fall in this year's testosterone-dominated season — duets with Cyndi Lauper, who looks dynamite, on "Time After Time." It's not really Allison's kinda song, but she does all right with it.

After a moment with the Lambert and Allen parents, it's time to bring the house down, y'all, with Danny Gokey. He sings "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie. And if this isn't a performance that proves why Danny's not in the top two, I don't know what is.

It's a tweaked version of this very song that catapulted David Cook into the public consciousness last season. It was one of his first major song revisions, and it's that skill that brought him and both of this year's finalists to the top of the "Idol" heap.

In Danny's hands, though, the song ... well, it's the same old junker it used to be — it's just getting driven around the yard again for the heck of it, sputtering all the way.

Then, of course, Lionel Ritchie himself appears so the two of them can duet on "Just Go" and "All Night Long." Since Lionel Ritchie music is exactly what the hip kids these days are clamoring for. Even their parents find this junk a bit boring.

FREE AS A BIRD
If you want to know what this competition is really about, though, look no further than the video recap of Adam's "Idol" journey.

The spiky-haired kid who vowed to surprise us did just that — and really did transform himself from just a random 20-something in line at a stadium to an international star. His talent, charisma and pluck are to be applauded. No matter what, his career is set to soar.

That must have been what he was thinking when he came up with his costume tonight, since it includes, um, wings. It's like he's wearing either medieval shoulder pads or two face masks made for ogre hockey players. Adam's been a little over the top before, but wow. This is, um, wow.

Did he get a job offer from Judas Priest?

Not quite. He's singing with KISS. Which might be the first time I've seen Adam on stage with guys wearing more makeup than he is.

After a solo rendition of "Beth," he and the band — including the creepy Gene Simmons and his even creepier tongue — blast through "Detroit Rock City" and, of course, "Rock and Roll All Night."

Anybody out there still think there isn't a market for Adam's music?

OR ELSE FORGET ABOUT IT
Next up on stage is the Hugh Hefner of the music business — he's always around and he always has some new young thing with him — Carlos Santana. He plays "Black Magic Woman" with Matt Giraud, then "Smooth" with the whole top 13.

They sound great, until they all sing together. Then, suddenly I feel like I'm in a middle school chorus class. One more time, kids, from the top. We're never going to make it to the regional finals if you sound like that. Billy, stop picking your nose.

More melodic is the final Ford entertainmercial of the year. The song: "I Will Remember You" by Ryan Cabrera. The plot: Adam and Kris duet as snippets of past Ford entertainmercials play in the background.

Then, of course, each of them gets a Ford of their very own. Like they wouldn't be able to buy one of those in a flash with their iTunes download money alone. Sigh. Damned talented singers on TV, getting everything.

Next up as we return to the live "Idol" stage, we're introduced to bluegrass music by Steve Martin. He used to use his banjo as a prop for his jokes. Now, the jokes have been replaced by Michael Sarver and Megan Joy.

I like the jokes better.

The song is "Pretty Flowers" on his new album, "The Crow." Hopefully, it features more melodic singers.

Also, did anyone else catch the TelePromTer pointed at the singers? Can't these folks just, y'know, memorize the songs like real performers? Geez.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, JUST LET HER SLEEP
When the "Idol" guys begin painfully making their way through "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?", I think to myself, "No, 'Idol' couldn't possibly be hard up enough to bring freaking Rod Stewart out."

Oh, yes. Yes, they are.

Rod the Mod is in the house. I'm slightly heartened when I hear the mandolin strains of my favorite song of his — it's easy to pick — "Maggie May." But that doesn't last.

I don't mean to be blunt, but has Rod been suffering from health problems? Because his performance is just slow and kind of sad. And to hear him, a 60-something-year-old man, singing in such an enfeebled way about how he "really should be back at school" really shows his age.

Aw, c'mon kids. Don't make grandpa sing. Just let him rest. Or steal his daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool. It'll be safer.

Whew. Who'd have thought I'd be relieved to see the show slip back into the Golden Idol Awards. The trophy for Outstanding Female is given, of course, to Tatiana Nicole Del Toro, a bubbly, giggly tornado of fright, ambition and misdirected sex appeal, whose harpie-like scream will haunt me in my dreams.

I turn my BS detector up as high as it'll go, and I'm pretty sure the whole bit about Tatiana continuing to sing as Seacrest tries to cut to a commercial break is a stunt. If so, it's not a particularly funny one. On the extremely rare chance it's not, though — in the audience, Ruben Studdard looks shocked, but that might just be him coming to terms with his career — then it's actually kind of cool.

R-A-W-K
Ah, I've been waiting for this — a Kris/Adam duet. And it's a Queen song! I've been waiting to hear Adam wrap his pipes around a Freddie Mercury tune all season!

They belt out "We Are the Champions" — backed by the surviving members of Queen, Brian May and Roger Taylor, who really ought to hire Adam on the spot.

It's absolutely spectacular. Not only do Adam and Kris sound great together, they rock the socks off that song. And what a fitting capstone to a friendly competition between two solid talents.

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
And it all comes down to this. Kris and Adam on stage, ready for the final judgement we've waited through myriad musical numbers, surprise walk-ons, costume changes and awkward glances at Justin Guarini to finally, finally reach.

Seacrest prompts a last pre-results bit of commentary from Simon: "I would just say to both of you, and I don't normally mean this, but I think you're both brilliant; unusually, incredibly nice people; and I think that both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night. And the future's all yours."

And then, out comes the dude in the suit with the results. Both Adam and Kris look incredibly nervous. Even I have butterflies in my stomach, and I'm just a stupid blogger who won't get to do anything more exciting than go to sleep when all this is over.

The lights dim. And the votes of more than 100 million fingers dialing and texting away are finally brought to bear.

The winner: Kris Allen!!!

Sorry about the exclamation points.

"Are you serious?" Kris says. "Are you freakin' serious?"

Kris is overwhelmed. Adam is his usual gracious self. Ma and Pa Allen are overcome with emotion, as they should be.

And holy cow, I don't even want to know how much whoopin' and hollerin' is going on in Conway tonight. (If you're curious, though, you can find out at central Arkansas' Fox 16.)

Kris is presented with a trophy, that's the upside. The downside: he has to sing that godawful "No Boundaries" song. And release it as a single. Maybe he could make an EP of Kara-penned songs and call it "Albatross."

But enough of that. Kris leads his fellow contestants around to the stage behind the judges and sings the hell out of that crappy tune. He appears to be totally thunderstruck, and once the song is over, he just stares out at the audience, not seeming to know what to do next. He seems to snap back to reality when his wife joins him. That's when the emotion starts to flow.

And what a journey he had. Ignored during the show's early weeks, Kris emerged during the top 36, but didn't really become known to us until the top 13, when he showed a song-rejiggering prowess that rivaled that of Adam. He consistently garnered less attention, less press and less adulation, but Kris was steady as an ironclad, delivering week after week of performances that played directly to the kind of artist he is.

He's a well-defined package. He's got a sound that is ready for prime-time. If he rides this win the right way, Kris Allen could be a musician we hear from for decades to come.

And then there's Adam Lambert. He didn't take home the "Idol" title, but — like David Archuleta before him — he doesn't need it. From his controversial take on "Ring of Fire" to show-stopping performances of "Mad World" and "Tracks of My Tears," Adam showed that he has the creativity, the spark and surely the voice to rock the music world.

He's already a hot name in the blogosphere. He's already on magazine covers. Give him a year or two, and "'American Idol' runner-up" will only make the middle of his resume, I'm sure.

So there it is, my friends — the end of another season. They always start out so ragged, but end with such an emotional lift — it's almost as if you're getting to watch folks you really know embarking on the adventure of a lifetime.

That, I think is what makes this show such appointment viewing for so many. And that's what makes writing about it pretty fun, too.

After 67 posts this season, it's time for me to give my typing fingers a rest. If you like the writing you've seen on this blog — and try not to judge it by the frantic riffing in this particular post — then I'd invite you to please try out the rest of ExpressNightOut.com, where we cover music, TV, movies, food, local events and all other things entertainment with the same sort of approach I've endeavored to take over these past few months. Oh, and we've got a blog by this dude named Johnny Zeitgeist. He's got some game.

But before you go, let me know what you thought of tonight's results. Did America choose correctly? What do you think will come next for Kris and Adam? Leave your thoughts in the comments section below.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

» EPILOGUE: Adam and Kris react to the results, we hear from Conway, Ark., and San Diego — and Adam talks about his discussion with Queen. Kinda. Watch our video roundup.

Photos courtesy Fox

Posted By Greg Barber at 12:00 AM on May 21, 2009 Tagged in Arts & Events , Idol Chatter , Television

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