Baggage Check: A Neighborly Nuisance

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I HAVE ESCALATING tensions with my townhouse neighbor. We had a conflict early on about her insistence on having loud parties and letting her dog go all over my front yard. I thought things were better, but now I am getting a series of hang-ups on my land line from a number that I am 99 percent sure is hers, and, occasionally, she will be drunk and yell at me from her deck late at night. The last straw was that I found smashed beer bottles thrown onto my deck. — Ick! in va.

First, you have to start documenting everything that's going on. We can't know for sure that she's the culprit, though it certainly seems to fit her boozy MO. But your biggest concern should be not letting this escalate — don't let your understandable frustration lead you to up the ante. You might also consider writing her a simple note (no passive-aggression allowed!). Don't accuse her of anything, but say you're sorry that it seems like friction has developed and that you'd like to start over; you respect her and want peace. If she continues to antagonize you, contact your homeowners association (they're good for more than carping about the color of your door) and local law enforcement for guidance.

My girlfriend and I do not agree about one thing and one thing only — how we would raise our children in terms of religion. I do see us together in the future. But she comes from a strong religious background (not too observant), and I'm not a believer. She sees her family's religious traditions as something that would absolutely be a big part of our children's lives. This is the stuff that breaks couples up, isn't it? — Quandary

Not necessarily. In fact, few things are absolutes when it comes to making marriages impossible, except the great HD/non-HD divide. The biggest question here is how much you both are willing to compromise. To what extent do you truly respect the presence of her beliefs? Would she be comfortable exposing your children, as they age, to both points of view and letting them decide for themselves? Would either or both of you be comfortable with keeping up the cultural traditions while somewhat detaching them from the traditional religious aspects? How would your families react to your children being raised differently than you were? How do your different beliefs affect your beliefs about everything from gender roles to sin to forgiveness to the holy teenage trinity of sex, drugs and alcohol?

You'll overcome this difference only if you can communicate honestly, patiently and respectfully. It's a question that won't be answered just once; you'll need to agree to be flexible about working out the nuances till death do you part (yup, it'll be an issue at the funeral).

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Ben Classen III for Express