Baggage Check: All the Small Things

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WHEN MY BOYFRIEND and I are both having good days, we get along. But the moment that I become irritable (which is a lot), everything comes out. He accuses me of holding grudges. And I know that I do. The moment that he makes me angry, I feel so overwhelmed with anger, and I think about every little thing he's done for the past three years — including small stuff such as being a bit late or not remembering to pick up my dry cleaning. I don't know how to stop this pattern. — So Angry

The first question I have is whether this irritability is directed exclusively toward your boyfriend, or whether you've been having some of these same emotions with co-workers, friends and family, too.

Regardless, it sounds like you have a lot of stress going on, and at the very least could use a bit of support in developing some coping mechanisms and stress reduction techniques: That's what stops this pattern. A good cognitive-behavioral therapist could help you break down this stress-anger cycle and develop a step-by-step process toward ending it. If all or most of your ire seems to be specific to your boyfriend, you'd also benefit from figuring out whether your relationship dynamic can be rewritten in a healthier way, or whether there's simply not enough Wite-Out in the world to make that happen.

This is similar to June 23rd's therapy-with-kid-gloves question. Should a former girlfriend ask her former boyfriend whether he is in therapy when the ex-girlfriend is interested in getting back with him, but needs to know whether he is getting help? The ex-girlfriend has identified, as a novice, that he has emotional unavailability issues, possibly stemming from childhood. — Anonymous

The answer? Certainly. (Rarely is my job this simple.)

If you are both interested in getting back together, but one of the sticking points is whether he's taking steps to get over some emotional issues, absolutely it's appropriate (and necessary!) for you to ask him what he's doing to address those problems. The complication: You need to do this without making him feel defensive or flawed, or invading his privacy. Don't try to diagnose him or demand updates or details once he starts doing the work. Try to be as flexible and supportive as possible in the process.
That said, for your own sake, be realistic in the changes you expect.

Oftentimes in doomed relationships, it's easy to imagine that a host of complex problems can be wrapped up within one particular issue ("If only he'd just overhaul his entire personality!"). But even if it were just one problem, many times when people change, even for the better, there is a ripple effect of other changes within them, too.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Ben Classen III for Express