Televised Sophistication: Summer's Trashiest TV

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IT HAS BEEN a good run, D.C. Despite the continued dominance of reality programming on television, the worst depiction of our home city we've had to endure was "K Street," the semi-improvised and HBO-legitimized political drama that ran for a single season in 2003.

That show might have attempted to integrate current events into storylines, but it appears we're in for legitimate reality TV saturation. Now that both MTV's apparently immortal "Real World" franchise and Bravo's "Real Housewives" are set to film seasons set in Washington, we may as well acquaint ourselves with the depravity to come.

Here's a sampling of the trashiest, most offensive reality programming airing this summer, just so you know what to expect should you happen upon a camera crew in the coming months.

» Megan Wants a Millionaire
VH1, Sundays at 9 p.m., premieres August 2 (pictured right)
It's challenging to compare the VH1 dating shows and their various offshoots, but I will take a chance and suggest that the upcoming dating vehicle for "Rock of Love"/"Charm School"/"I Love Money" veteran Megan Hauserman might be the most offensive offering yet.

"Megan Wants a Millionaire" may end up featuring fewer spitting incidents than its network brethren, but it also completely forgoes the pretense that love or feelings factor into Megan's decision-making in the slightest. Indeed, the VH1 blog includes the following description of the winnowing process: "One by one, Megan will eliminate the guys who can't shell out the dough, until the ultimate millionaire is left." Maybe aspiring gold diggers and "sugar babies" need role models too, but this cash-for-bikini-babe transaction seems like the closest thing to televised prostitution since Fox's ill-fated "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?"

» I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!
NBC, Monday-Thursday 8 p.m., premiered June 1

The cast alone would qualify this program as an abomination. Among the featured "celebrities" are such eminent citizens as Patti Blagojevich, wife of indicted former Illinois governor Rod; pony-hawked American Idol reject Sanjaya Malakar; model-turned-reality-institution Janice Dickinson; actor-turned-reality-institution Stephen Baldwin; and of course, the most contemptible couple in America, Heidi and Spencer Pratt from "The Hills."

At one point Heidi, complaining about what she considers torture-equivalent conditions, says "I would do this to al-Qaeda." That, darling girl, is why someone thought it would be amusing to do this to you.

While I have no real objections to this group being subjected to "Fear Factor"-style stunts like eating tarantulas or being crawled on by tarantulas (although a bit more creativity on the part of the challenge planners would have been nice), I do strongly protest NBC's decision to air this dreck four nights a week for the rest of June.

» Jon and Kate Plus 8
TLC, Mondays at 9 p.m., premiered May 25

Through the inexplicable magic of the tabloid press, Jon and Kate Gosselin have somehow gone from rather testy parents on a little-known cable series to participants in the most closely observed marriage in America. As the premiere ratings attest, somehow the Gosselins' martial discord has made them far more intriguing viewing for at least some segment of the population.

While the series doesn't feature the prurient content of, say, "Rock of Love Bus," the potential damage to the Gosselin's eight small children makes this show just as exploitative as its more explicit counterparts, particularly considering that the premiere featured interviews with both parents about their recent relationship problems.

» Hitched or Ditched
CW, Tuesdays at 9 p.m., premiered May 27

Tired of dating shows forcing ill-suited singles together? Refresh yourself with this CW offering, which forces troubled couples to either break up or submit to a huge, ridiculous (excuse me, I meant "fairy tale") wedding. Ultimatums are questionable enough in non-televised life, but the barrage of leading interview questions and the temptation of a decadent party hardly lend themselves to wise decision making. Who knows, though — maybe this kind of televised intervention could have helped Jon and Kate!

» More to Love
Fox, Tuesdays at 9 p.m., premieres July 28

Fox has decided to empower overweight singles. The network is doing this not by allowing them to compete on a regular "Bachelor"-type dating show. In that setting, they might actually prove that extra pounds do not render one unattractive or unlovable. Instead, Fox has opted to segregate plus-size daters on a new show devoted specifically to their dating challenges, although exactly how those differ from anyone's dating problems is unclear.

Nonetheless, Fox staffers seem to be savoring the chance to write promotional copy like, "Each week, the husky hunk will wine and dine a group of curvy women to determine if they have more love to give or if they are truly more than he can handle." No doubt the program's editors will prove equally discreet.

Paul Blart fetishists take note: the bachelor the women will be competing for is described as a "Kevin James type." They have yet to release word on his Segway abilities, regrettably.

Written by Express contributor Meg Zamula