Air Apparent: D.C. Air Guitar Champs Critique Their Rivals
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A WISE MAN ONCE SAID "to air is human, to air guitar divine." Need proof? Head to the 9:30 Club on Friday, Aug. 7, to see the 2009 U.S. Air Guitar Championships.
The imaginary string competition — in which contestants rock out on invisible Gibsons and Fenders — started in 2003, and the District hopped on the feigned fret circuit in 2007. D.C.'s air supply has grown so large that the area has not one, but two shredders in the fight: Sanjar the Destroyer (above left; real name: Chris Paxton) and The Shred (Lance Kasten).
We asked our hometown heroes to critique the out-of-towners they'll face next week.
McNallica (Erin McNally), Boston
» STD: She is the undisputed queen of U.S. Air Guitar and three-time Boston champ. Talking trash about her is like challenging Michael Phelps to the 100-meter butterfly: You're gonna get rocked.
» THE SHRED: Strong competitor, blistering winds and three-time Boston champ. Passionate about air guitar and will bring everything she has to the finals. Guaranteed to be in the final five.
William Ocean (Andrew Litz), New York
» STD: Nobody can pull off a pink outfit like this guy. He's won many times and been to the World Championships, but he's only human.
» THE SHRED: If there is anyone to be afraid of it is this guy. Cranks air in the Fujita Scale five range. Great friend. Has won four regionals and was U.S. champion in 2007. Has many secret weapons and will be in the final five. Period.
Fendor Splendor (Paul Alexander), Philadelphia
» STD: Sometimes I think he was part of the Blue Man Group in another life. If you're in the front row bring a tarp.
» THE SHRED: This dude is a D.C. local. Lost in D.C. only because he performed early. Crushed Philly. High-energy, ninja-style air guitarist who will bring plenty of surprises due to being a hometown fave as well.
The Fro (Chris Harden), Atlanta
» STD: This dude thinks he is a super hero ... and I'm pretty sure he is. His super power is not air guitar, though.
» THE SHRED: The Fro is serious about the sport. He depicts a super hero on stage with the best costume ever. More of an entertainer than a power air guitarist.
Stryker (Ryan Layman), Nashville
» STD: Awesome dude and air guitar veteran. Influential in creating my style, but like "Star Wars," the [student] has become the master.
» THE SHRED: Another four regional winner. Will bring his game to D.C. and knows how to work the crowd. Loves to spit stuff and will be a contender.
Not So Smalls (Dave Weissman), Cleveland
» STD: I love watching this guy. His routines are always hilarious. I really see this guy air guitaring while grocery shopping or scuba diving.
» THE SHRED: Three-time Cleveland winner at small venues. A great showman, dresses the part and will bring some moves to the finals.
Airosol (Cami Phillipi), Minneapolis
» STD: If I had a dollar for ever back-flip this girl does on stage I'd have 25 dollars and 36 cents.
» THE SHRED: Three time Minneapolis champion. She's a dancer so will bring acrobatics and moves to the finals. Placed second in the finals last year and is a definite final five contender.
Romeo Dance Cheetah (Matt Cornelison), Chicago
» STD: Three things come to mind when I see this guy. 1. He looks like the owner of a really creepy, poorly lit eastern European deli. 2. He looks like he going to duel you to defend his honor. 3. Keep a close eye on your drinks, ladies.
» THE SHRED: D.C. will be extremely intimidating for this dude. There is a possibility that he will get booed off the stage. Couldn't produce enough air to blow out a candle. Needs experience.
Pharm'air'cist (Casey Diekman), Omaha, Neb.
» STD: Come on dude, "Eruption" by Van Halen? Really? Really?
» THE SHRED: The guy has some powerful technical merit but the D.C. crowd will eat him for dinner. Needs a bit more flair.
MOD (Jason Shaw), Dallas
» STD: I like MOD, I saw him at the nationals last year and enjoyed his routine. He strikes me as a guy that I could play a good game of Risk or Dungeons & Dragons with. But this is an air guitar competition, not an air lute competition.
» THE SHRED: This guy really surprised the hell out of me! Has great fretness, plenty of great moves and will be a contender. Has a very windy air guitar future.
Airon Maiden (Monica Armendariz): Austin, Texas
» STD: Keepin' air guitar alive for all the female pirates out there. I think she is being sponsored by Hot Topic.
» THE SHRED: "I'll give her credit for the win in Austin, but she will look like a real rookie at the finals. Needs stage presence. Her air would not even show up as virga on doppler."
Mojo Go Go (Hojamanda Lopez), Houston
» STD: I think it is important to remember that this girl was a wild card pick. That means they pulled her out of the crowd and she won. I hope she knows what she has gotten herself into.
» THE SHRED: This girl will bring some moves but nothing close to a competitor. D.C. will be extremely intimidating to her.
Big Rig (Randy Layman), Denver
» STD: Twin brother of Stryker and hall of famer, this guy is awesome. I like his costumes, they always glow ... like he ate a big chunk of plutonium before he goes on stage.
» THE SHRED: Another four-or-five time regional champ. Major, major power veteran and will bring it. Great costumes, stage presence and hurricanes are afraid of this guy. Will have plenty of tricks up his sleeve.
Duke Thrashington (Brian Shapiro), Fort Collins, Colo.
» STD: This guy is good. I think he is really good. A true air guitarist with a wicked mane of metal hair to boot. Like the ultimate roadie for Metallica. I gotta watch out for him.
» THE SHRED: Another veteran in the field who has finally won a regional. If he can handle the butterflies, he might be a contender.
Hardcore Henry (Julian Vilcan), Los Angeles
» STD: This guy is just downright fun to watch. I still don't understand how he moves so fast. He reminds me of a dancing garbage truck with cool tattoos.
» THE SHRED: Hardcore Henry is not ready for this venue. I've got a funny feeling he will get the boos from the D.C. crowd. Might produce a breeze that could bend a blade of grass.
Otto B. Spread Eagle (Patrick Houston), San Diego
» STD: He and Fendor Splendor have the same tailor. Fruit of the Loom cotton briefs ... 'cause nothing says air guitar than some naked dude jumping off the stage and landing on you.
» THE SHRED: Not a chance in hell for this dude. Otto has fretness but will get crushed on presence and airness marks. Wind produced might reach a tropical depression status.
Chuck Mung (Garth Donald), Portland, Ore.
» STD: Chuck is the definition of "commando," air guitar and otherwise, and I love him for it. This dude is true rocker.
» THE SHRED: Chuck is a three-time regional champ and has been to the big dance. Power hitter with plenty of cool moves.
Dirk Courage (Derek Beck), Seattle
» STD: This guy brings more props on stage then Carrot Top and Gallagher combined. Plus he wears his underwear on the outside of his pants, so he has all sorts of things going for him.
» THE SHRED: Dirk will bring the American theme with him and will get a good crowd response. Needs a bit more flair for the upper scoring though.
Cold Steel Renegade (Matthew Feldstein), San Francisco Golden Gate Regional
» STD: Probably the funniest air guitarist in my opinion. Great song, but he mostly just dances around. He is the heavy metal version of "Lord of the Dance."
» THE SHRED: I like this guy! Excellent all the way around. A performer and entertainer. Will be liked by the crowd and will be a contender.
Awesome (Alex Cole), San Francisco Bay Bridge Regional
» STD: There is a reason they call this guy "Awesome." It's his Jew fro.
» THE SHRED: This guy came out of nowhere last year to take San Fran. Very powerful and excellent technical merit. Will have to bring everything he has to score well on the East Coast. It's a completely different beast.
» 9:30 Club, 815 V St. NW; Fri., Aug. 7, 8 p.m., $25; 800-955-5566 (U St.-Cardozo)
* Not shown: Asheville winner Electric Testicle (Caleb Hanks); Kansas City champ Mean Melin (Eric Melin)
Addison Road
Seriously, I was bummed when I read some of your comments on the competitors. Each and every competitor brings something totally unique to the stage. They WON their regionals for a reason, and that reason is because they were to be considered to be the absolute best in his/her city. I'm totally aware of the fact that this is a competition, but also at the same time this is a tight nit community of brothAIRs and sistAIRs of rock and roll. And each should be treated/talked about with such respect. It's also a little unfair for some of your comments considering the fact that Sanjar just won his first regional this year, and will be competing in the big show for the first time himself. It's a totally different ball game once you walk on the stage at the U.S. finals, versus standing front row cheering on your friends...or winning a regional.
I wish you BOTH the absolute best of luck, and I hope EVERYONE has a fucking killer time. Because at the end of the day, air guitar aside...you ALL belong to something much bigger then just a competition. We're a unique breed of people, and we should each stand by each other no matter what.
Remember, you both are competitors yourself. There are no "shoe ins" or "guaranteed winners". Sure there are others who obviously have more experience, and have been to the finals before...but that's not always necessarily a good thing. Worry about yourself, and bring what YOU know is your A game. And for fucks sake, have a GREAT time! The most fun you'll ever have is hanging out/performing with your fellow air guitarists.
I'll be thinking about you ALL on Friday, and will have my horns raised to the sky.
By Nordic Thunder , Posted August 4, 2009 12:31 PM