Hail to the Chef: Battle of the Sexes

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Express' Karmah Elmusa recounts the tamest bachelor/ette party in Vegas history on "Top Chef."

THIS WEEK on "Top Chef" ... I was bored.

Sure, all the elements for a potential good time were present (Colicchio, tequila, Colicchio drinking tequila), but somehow the drama never escalated. I never felt that searing "Top Chef" heat.

Maybe it's because of the glaringly obvious split between those who are going places (Kevin, Jennifer, the Voltaggio brothers), and people who will be kicked off in the coming weeks (Jesse, Ron, Laurine). Maybe it's because no one yelled at anyone else.

I'm hoping for a spicier episode next week, but till then, please enjoy the fruits of my labor as I attempt to liven up this yawn-inducing affair.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE
The chefs file into the kitchen and are greeted by Padma, guest-judge Todd English and a "big ass craps table" (thank you, Kevin). Todd English is, in the apt words of Jennifer, "a very good chef and pretty hot."

Padma explains that each chef will roll the dice on the craps table (did we mention they're in Vegas?) — whatever number they roll, that is the number of ingredients they can use in their dish. Salt, pepper and oil are freebies.

Most chefs are hoping for something in the middle. Laurine gets the low end with a three, and Kevin rolls a ten.

After 30 minutes and a round of tastings punctuated by musings of "that's interesting" from Mr. English, we've got a top three and a bottom three. Todd English was not a fan of Jesse's seared scallop (which looks less seared and more flabby) on top of a garbanzo puree (hummus?) and a chimichurri sauce. He also had no tolerance for a frightful looking salad from Ann Arbor Eve: grilled asparagus topped with bleu cheese, golden raisins and pine nuts. Older Voltaggio brother Bryan is also a least-fave — his sous vide black cod snapper had wayyy too much yuzu. I hate when I accidentally over-yuzu things, don't you?

To add insult to injury, Bryan's brother Michael earns raves from English. The younger Voltaggio broke into the liquid nitrogen and prepares a nitro-gazpacho with compressed cucumbers that English declares as his favorite overall. Again, the quickfire comes with a cool $15K, courtesy of a company I shall not name. English also notes that he's a fan of Kevin's asparagus-and-celery salad and also of Jennifer's smoked salmon with a jalapeno emulsion. These two are pulling out in front early on — if I know "Top Chef," and I think that I do, they'll both make the top five without breaking a sweat.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Last week, I noticed that this year's group of male chefs seemed to have more experience than the women Bravo selected. And what better way to prove this inconvenient truth than by pitting the girls against the boys in a classic battle of the sexes! But wait wait wait, not without a Vegas-y twist. The cheftestants will be cooking for a bachelor/bachelorette party — the male chefs will cook for the bride and her friends, and the female chefs will cook for the groom and his friends.

The couple enters the kitchen, both looking like they hopped off the train from Average-Looking-Brunette-istan and carrying a tray of shot glasses. They announce that these are their favorite shots: tequila (approved), the Moscow Mule (OK, fair enough) and the Golden Delicious (what??). The Golden Delicious, Ash informs us, is sweet, gooey and disgusting. And the lucky chefs' assignment is to pair their food with the shots!

Each chef shops for their dish and preps for two hours. Then they go back to the house, where Ashley (who informs us that she is gay) reveals that she is incredibly upset because she's competing a wedding challenge (aren't all weddings a challenge?) and gay marriage remains illegal in the vast majority of our country. I hear you girl, but I think I'll let Preeti, who's also a lesbian, handle this one: "I feel lame that I'm not more fired up about it. After all, I've been with my partner for 13 years. I understand why [Ashley's] pissed off, but this is the world we live in today."

Fast forward to the next afternoon. The chefs set up their stations at the M Resort's pool, and the bachelor party, bachelorette party and the judgment party enter the premises. The guests have a fabulous time sipping shots, chowing down and getting rowdy. Some of the male chefs, including lovably large Ron, jump in the pool. A good time is had by all — except by the judges when they are eating Eve's shrimp ceviche, which Todd English labels as "really nasty." Uh oh, Eve.

JUDGE'S TABLE

The men are declared the winners of the challenge, and the top four among them are Eli, Hector and Michael and Byran Voltaggio (it's all starting to feel very Venus and Serena).

Eli is responsible for a tuna taratre with puffed rice, which is loaded with ginger and to be paired with the Moscow Mule. Gail notes that even though she's had "so many tuna tartares" over the past 15 years, this one stands out. Note for those among us with a regular-person diet: Tuna tartare is apparently the turkey sandwich of the food snob world.

Bryan makes a whimsical "sweet and sour meringue" (crunchy outside, soft inside — Colicchio-like) that apparently is a play on chips and guacamole and is to be paired with the tequila. Yes, please.

Baby bro Michael is responsible for a much more appetizing spin on the Golden Delicious — a frozen version of the shot itself served with a goat cheese cookie.

Finally, Hector makes a "beautiful" tofu ceviche, and is praised excessively for turning tofu into something that people want to eat.

Bryan is declared the winner, making this an all Voltaggio, all the time episode. One brother scores the quickfire win, the other takes the elimination challenge, no one has hard feelings. Like I said, yawn.

Out come the four women who are up for elimination: Eve, Jesse, Preeti and Ashley. Jesse is already on the verge of tears, as she has been on the chopping block almost every time — come on Baltimore, step it up!

Eve is in trouble for the "nasty" shrimp I mentioned earlier. Ashely made a classic "Top Chef" mistake: she produced a perfect watermelon carpaccio, and then felt like she should make something else with her extra time. What she made was an unpleasant bay leaf pana cotta. Whoops.

Preeti's dish appeared to be slabs of raw tuna on pita chips — Tom is offended by its pedestrian nature. And Jesse's here because she served lettuce cups filled with a "watery" chicken mixture. Ew.

Despite all these shortcomings, however, Eve's shrimp ceviche is easily the most off-putting, even from my perspective on the couch. Eve, we'll miss your sweet Midwestern charm and your slightly vacant stare, but please, pack your knives and go.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

» Ash: Michael informs me that I'm responsible for the flowers because I'm the gay guy.
» Jennifer: I think this Battle of the Sexes thing is really, really stupid.
» Ashley: I think it would be a really good confidence booster for the women to win.
» Michael: GOTTA BE IN GLADWARE READY TO GO GUYS!
» D.C. Mike: I have nicknames for everyone. Like Eli and Kevin, they're the pickle brothers. They're like two pickles in brine or something. Then you got Purty or Pretty or whatever. I can't even say her name. People are going to get tired of me real quick.

Photos courtesy Bravo