Runway Jury: Hollywood Nights

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WHERE WERE WE?

Johnny's gone; Tim is incensed at preposterousness; Nicolas is a little bitch. Professor Carol Hannah Whitfield announced the discovery of a cure for cancer; Louise and I have agreed to just be good friends; and Gordana, despite her talent, has become complete invisible.

At least this week's challenge is as good as last week's — better, even, since it involves fabric. The designers are herded onto what Tim Gunn calls "a real Hollywood soundstage" — way to sound like a hick from the sticks, TG — where makeup muse Collier Strong is on hand to help with the all-important styling.

The challenge is to create a design from a film genre, to choose a character and back story and make an outfit that reflects the character and her story. So it's really more of a costume challenge, which should put my good friend Louise and dark horse Epperson, with his flair for the dramatic, up front.

But we shall see.

After bludgeoning us last week with Johnny's loser edit, the show plays coy this week, bringing whiny nightmare Nicolas to center stage while the audience prepares to applaud wildly for his dramatic demise.

Irina, having won the last challenge, chooses film noir — smart. Logan picks action-adventure, as does Carol Hannah. Ra'mon goes with science fiction, because he's a "hard-core Trekkie," which, of course. Louise grabs film noir to no one's surprise, least of all Tim's, although I silently root for her to get outside her comfort zone, but she never listened to me anyway.

Althea also chooses film noir; Gordana and Christopher will do period piece costumes; Nicolas wants sci-fi and no one, it seems, wants to be saddled with Western wear. Why is that not fun?

Shirin and Epperson act as if they've been told to make outfits for aerobic instructors or something (don't get any bright ideas, Lifetime), but how fun would it be to rustle up a crazy-sexy-cool Miss Kitty saloon dancer's dress?

MYSTERY SEWING MACHINE THEATER
We learn all kinds of new details about our little scissor monkeys, which is easier to do now that the talent pool has shrunk and the camera can spend less time dashing frantically from one designer to another, even with the show's designated 4-;second time allotment of runway outfits.

We learn that Carol Hannah and Logan are bonding. In a sexy way. (He's gay, honey; he just doesn't know it. Academics are so literal.) Ra'mon is a "die-hard Trekkie," which explains a lot. Not the spawn of Kermit and Barbarella he's making, but a lot of other things. Louise accuses someone of having stole her bobbin, but without much force. ("Someone took my damn bobbin." "Nuh-uh." "OK.")

And Nicolas — oh, girl, shut up. He has the most narrative outfit in the bunch.

THE TIM-THROUGH
Gordana's character is in her 30s and has just come out to society after discovering gold. Very "Deadwood"; I love it.

Christopher's working on a 19th-century French vampiress. With bare arms. Time sets him straight.

Ra'mon's shiny green catsuit with a reflective patch of space debris over the torso could "be sublime or a big hot mess," in Tim's words. Guess which one it is now?

Louise is doing mitered pieces of lace over a taupe silk sheath; it's very her, but kind of subtle. Tim points out that her designs are well made and well thought out but don't hold up on the runway, which is just spot-on. He's so smart! I'll bet he and Professor Whitfield talk about particle physics on the roof during downtime.

Tim further digs Nicolas' idea of putting his villainousness in all white, which I grudgingly respect. Although after that white stretch lace porno abomination in the surf challenge, I don't know that anyone should trust Nicolas with white.

Tim claims to be enthralled and inspired by what he's seen, and wants them all to go farther. That's a clever way of saying this is an avant-garde challenge without giving the ditsy designers the vague directive to do something avant-garde.

Ra'mon's model requests a coat. This is not cool. He needs to start all over.

LET'S START THE SHOW
It's time we just give up on the whole concept of regular judges. This week, we have costume designer Arianne Phillips, Zoe Glassner from Marie Claire and designer John Varvatos. So that's what he looks like.

The designers really pulled it out this week. The costuminess of the challenge threw Gordana's taste and talent into stark relief, however, since she's been dinged or ignored for making beautiful, wearable clothes before. Now she's smacked down for making her sexy flapper outfit too safe. It's too bad, but they're right — it looked like something off the costume rack for an extra in a "Great Gatsby" party scene, not something Mayfair witch Stella would have worn. She's bottom-threed for it.

Anyway, the rest of the designers tell their characters' stories.

TOPS
It's Christopher's girl's wedding day, but she has a secret — she's a vampire. Why wedding day? I like the outfit, but it isn't a wedding dress of this time. The neck and the back are gorgeous, though, and allude to the vampire thing with subtle beauty. Who knew?

The judges love the contemporary way Epperson used denim to evoke the feminine flourishes of his Western dress. This thing is flat-out fabulous and would be perfect for the late, great "Firefly."

Nicolas: So much for the loser edit. It is a pretty memorable villainous-queen-in-white gown, but Collier Strong's hair and makeup did most of the work. Slow, ironic claps can be heard echoing through my basement.

BOTTOMS
Ra'mon: "Her name is Lola." She was a showgirl? On her own planet, they are reptiles, but blah, blah — I actually liked the catsuit better. At least it looked sci-fi. His redo is a cheap-looking shift that wouldn't have been out of place in "Earth Girls Are Easy."

Louise can't help it; she never could. It's a period-within-a-period, something about the 1920s and 1940s, and it's dull. A little color, please. You should have seen the furniture and knick-knacks she brought to the farmhouse — everything was brown and black.

YOU CAN STOP GLOATING NOW
Nicolas is the winner of the challenge. It was "memorable and exquisite." He is no less insufferable in an interview. "Somebody even called me an artist, if I say so myself." That's kind of poignant, actually.

The bad news is, Ra'mon is out. He exits gracefully, but I am sad to see him go. He had a lot more crazy to bring. Back to the Starship Enterprise.

Next week: They work in teams. Gordana and Shirin seem to be arguing; Heidi complains about a pumpkin disco ball or shower curtain lining, so it looks like the era of make-a-pretty-dress is over. Yay!

So, petite pamplemousses, what say you? Title the fictitious movies for any of the runway outfits below.

Photos courtesy Lifetime