Hail to the Chef: The Gourmet Outdoors

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Express' Karmah Elmusa goes camping with the "Top Chef" contestants.

This week on "Top Chef: Las Vegas," Bravo forces this distinctly un-outdoorsy bunch of cooks away from the bright lights of the strip and forces them into the bright light of a campfire.

Some of them take to this better than others — Michael V. is sure he's going to be fine no matter what the challenge. He announces earl on in the episode that he, his brother Bryan and D.C. Mike are the best chefs in the competition.

First of all — what, no love for Kevin or Jennifer?

And secondly ... take it easy, Voltaggio brothers.

We know you're good, but let's not form a boys club and get big-headed before the season's even half over. OK, OK ... enough grousing out of me — on to the show.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE
When the chefs enter the "Top Chef" kitchen, they are greeted by a boot-clad Padma and guest-judge Tim Love. After last week's League of Extraordinary French Chefs, Tim Love is kind of a breath of fresh air. His name is two syllables, he's got a Southern accent and also comes equipped with a dry sense of humor. And you can just tell he really, really likes barbecue. After all, he's the owner and chef of something called the Lonesome Dove Western Bistro in Fort Worth, Texas. Yeee-haw!

This week, the viewers got to vote for the quickfire ingredient — their choices were kangaroo, snake and cactus. There are a bunch of vegetarians watching this, clearly, as cactus wins. Most of the cheftestants look floored; apparently, cactus has a very "gooey" consistency and isn't easy to work with.

Tim Love's favorites are D.C. Mike, who seems familiar with spiky treat and makes a cactus and tuna ceviche. Mattin does cactus coated with bread crumbs and halibut, but it's the tequila in the dish that wins Cowboy Love's heart. Finally, he likes Laurine's (welcome, Laurine!) dish: an achiote-glazed pork chop topped with a fresh cactus salsa. In the end, D.C. Mike takes it. His prizes? $15,000 and another drop in the overflowing ego bucket. Great.

Tim Love is not a huge fan of Ron's swordfish with cactus sauce, accompanied by a crab salad. I believe the exact quote is "the crab tasted rancid in my mouth." He also detested Ash's cactus and grilled cheese. As soon as Tim Love takes a bite he looks at Ash with a look that reads, "he just looked at me kind of pissed off that I made him eat this food." Finally, Michael V. and his red cactus coulis, with a avocado and cactus ceviche are apparently lousy. Take that, Michael V. — does that blow to your Voltagg-ego hurt?

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE
Tim Love announces that for this challenge, the chefs will be going ... dun dun dun ... outside! They'll be cooking lunch for 24 ranchers, and are instructed to make "any kind of dish, as long as it's high-end." They won't know squat about cooking equipment before they get there, and have to come up with their dish before they are trucked out to Sandy Valley Ranch. Some of what the chefs are talking about makes sense — hearty red meats, wholesome greens and the like. Others just start babbling about ceviche. Because that's what ranchers like to eat — after a hard day ropin' cattle, nothing hits the spot like a teeny plate of citrus-marinated seafood.

The cheftestants are trucked out of town, and informed they will be spending the night on the ranch before the big lunch. They are greeted by a ring of tepees, which they'll call home for the night. In the morning, they are given grill pits, pots and pans and a sheltered prep area to work with. And that's all, folks! The minimalist tone of this whole adventure prompts different reactions from the chefs. Laurine feels like she's in her element. Ashley tells us how she grew up poor. Michael V. gets super-bratty, and Eli informs us that he "doesn't believe in camping. I think it's asinine."

For the meal, the chefs turn out the following dishes:

» Jennifer: Snapper with a slaw of daikon greens.

» D.C. Mike: Pork gyro with an apple and fennel tzatziki.

» Kevin: Cast iron roasted duck breast over mole with a tequila marinated watermelon.

» Eli: Tuna sandwich with a radish salad.

» Laurine: Sauteed arctic char with a corn and tomato salsa. Served with a baked potato.

» Michael V.: Dashi with mirin and miso cured black cod.

» Bryan: Roasted pork loin with polenta and dandelion greens.

» Ron: Coconut lime and mango tuna ceviche with a coconut mojito.

» Robin: Grilled romaine salad with drunken prawns and a spicy sausage.

» Ash: Bourbon glazed chicken paillard with corn succotash.

» Ashley: Halibut with bacon and avocado cream (a refined take on the club sandwich).

» Mattin: Ceviche three ways.

The judges seem to enjoy ... some of the things they eat. Eli's sandwich is delcared bland, as is D.C. Mike's gyro. Most of the other dishes elicit strong emotions, many of them good. Many of them, not so good. Judges table teaser: Colicchio spits out a piece of Mattin's ceviche, declaring it raw and inedible, and Tim Love says Robin's prawns taste like "sucking on a piece of chlorine." Yikes.

JUDGES TABLE
Tim Love, Gail, Padma and Tom like Ashley's halibut, Michael V.'s dashi, Bryan's pork loin and Laurine's arctic char the best. Ashley's dish is "the best she's made thus far." They declare Bryan's dish utterly appropriate for the occasion, Michael V.'s unexpected but inventive, and Laurine's very flavorful. In the end, big brother Bryan takes his THIRD elimination challenge win, making him the competition's front-runner. Baby brother Michael V. looks a little jealous — but I'm sure post-show they went back to the house and did a little round of "Voltaggio rules!" chanting.

Least favorites are Ron's ceviche, Mattin's ceviche and Robin's stinky shrimp salad. Aside from the fact that Mattin and Ron both used ceviche as a way to get out of actually cooking anything, Ron's tasted decent while Mattin's was still raw. Robin's shrimp taste "sour" and Gail wasn't sure that they were "safe." All three are a mess, but in the end, Mattin is the one that goes home. If only they'd sent him home last week and kept Hector around. I bet my favorite Puerto Rican wouldn't have made cod ceviche for a cowboy challenge.

Finally, beware: Promos for next week's episode feature the abominable Toby Young. And I thought we might be rid of him ...

QUOTES OF THE WEEK
» Ron: In Haiti, the cactus is poisonous, so we stay the hell away from it.
» Michael V.: I'd rather be able to work with interesting flavors than to take the slime out of cactus.
» D.C. Mike: Is Padma sleeping in the tepee too?
» Tim Love (on Eli's tuna sandwich): I wouldn't call my grandma up and say "you won't believe the sandwich I had" or anything.
» Tim Love (on Mattin's dish): That cod put me sick!

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK
» Ron: I made a swordish with cactus sauce.
» Tim Love (after taking a bite): Did you have fun?
» Ron: Yes ...

Photos courtesy Bravo