Runway Jury: Short, Shiny & Tight

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PWEVIOUSLY ON "PWOJECT WUNWAY," as Heidi says, I miss two measly Thursdays and the judges take advantage of my absence by aufing Louise and Epperson. Thanks, Christopher Roy Correa, for stepping in and working it for the past two weeks. I hope the commenters were nice to you.

And Gordana won a little something, so that's cool.

THE X FACTOR
Heidi, wearing hideous red and black-patterned skinny trousers, sends the scissor monkeys off to the Museum at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising to meet with Tim Gunn and OMG it's Bob Mackie! I heart that tacky son of a gun. They'll be making dazzling stage costumes for someone who sounds like Beyonce but will probably be some sub-arena backup singer but turns out to be Christina Aguilera, and that's good. She's a thing. The only downside is that Chris March is nowhere in sight.

Words you hear a lot on this episode: "ice-skating" "Halloween," "prom," "sparkle panties." Also "Guinevere meets Vampira," but only once. And Tim says "super-sexy slut." But he may say that more often than we hear on camera.

The designers hustle through Mood grabbing feathers, sequins and, in the case of Shirin, a swatch of prom-dress red satin that everyone hates, including her. In fact, they're all super-excited about the challenge, until they serially begin despising everything they bought. Carol Hannah doesn't know what she'll do with the nutso black, blue and silver glittery crap on her table, which looks like the makings of Albus Dumbledore's best-man robes. Gordana walks away from her beads and flops down on the couch, looking about 102. They file out of the workroom disconsolately, only the Viscount of Feathers, Nicolas, dancing from foot to foot with glee over his white ice-dancing costume.

THE TIM-THROUGH
I'm not the only one who wishes Chris March were in the workroom. Tim Gunn seems to be silently praying, "Come back, you super-sexy slut," as he serially but with great dignity excoriates the designers for their cheap or prim or costume department or student work.

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Logan likes Carol Hannah; Carol Hannah likes Logan back. I mean like-likes.They are too cute together. Irina hates Carol Hannah (jealous!) and Nicolas hates Irina (sensible!).

Everyone else, on the other hand, appears to be mentally disintegrating, which may be more entertaining than the final outfits will turn out to be.

LET'S START THE SHOW
Heidi introduces the judges: Bob Mackie, Neea Gahcia has deigned to return to us, and Christina Aguilera herself, which she acts as if it's a big treat. Come on — what a rip it would have been if they had been designing conceptually for Aguilera or someone not unlike her. Of course the bitch has to show up. What else has she got to do?

Althea really did make the 9-foot-long silver-and-gray shiny costume she promised. It's slit in the front and looong in the back and fits around the hips and butt and is covered, briefly, with a little furry chubby. (Not a little chubby furry, which is a whole other show.) The only problem is it doesn't have what Tim would call the "wow factor."

Logan has made a short one-shouldered minidress in black and silv ... zzz — oh, sorry! Where was I? Fell asleep while looking at some trying-too-hard girl from the Valley trying to get into the hottest club on Las Palmas. Denied!

Oh, Shirin. Now, the black satin gown with cheap, sheer white goiters and ugly bustline is neither Guinevere nor Vampira. "What are you gonna do?" she shrugs in voiceover. Start by not stinking up the runway.

Christopher is giggling like a schoolgirl at his sparkle panties. Not the one he's wearing; the ones on the model. They are silver and have that pin-up/slutty drum majorette look Xtina has been known to dig, and the model works it. It's covered by an outre peplumed jacket with sharp edges. Alas, the corset is awful.

Nicolas likes white. And feathers, and minis, and ice dancing. It's good but not great. Also, he keeps making the same thing.

Gordana 's white gown looks unkempt, poorly made, ill-thought-out and uncostumey. She hates it less than she did before, but she is wrong.

Irina made a teeny tiny black shiny club dress. Yawnur.

Carl Hannah's is better than it looked on the mannequin. It's a gown in various black fabrics and textures, and fits tight and sexy; the feathers are cute. Not great for performing, though.

JUDGING
Heidi tells Gordana she's lucky for having immunity and Gordana admits to having had a meltdown.

They like Nicolas' white tailfeathers, Carol Hannah's glam gown and Althea's endless silver thing. Xtina calls Shirin's ugly gown "dowdy"; they are very cruel about Chris' sparkle panties; Nina reprises Xtina's "cavewoman" epithet in re Logan's party dress for a night of table service in the Lascaux Caves.

Carol Hannah wins! But Shirin is out. I like everyone who's left, so it's not going to be pleasant watching Tim send each one to the workroom to pack up their stuff.

BEST QUOTES
Nicolas: "Irina is actually a really good designer. The only problem with her is that she's a bitch."

Bob Mackie: "I wouldn't put that on a chorus girl" and "You put diamonds on the crotch and you're home free."

NEXT WEEK
Rodeo Drive, "something an Amish woman would wear," everyone hates Irina. What do you think, "PR" peeps? Leave your scissors in your bags, and your comments below.

Photos by Kannie Yu LaPack/Lifetime