Runway Jury: Old Borrowed Blue

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This week's Runway Jury is being guest blogged by Christopher Roy Correa.

THIS SEASON JUST won't take off, will it? It has a little momentum, at times, but has been overstuffed with guest (read: celebrity) judges and taxis around while we wait, with bated breath, for each time capsule of a sow to give us some kind of surprise. Sure, what transpires onscreen has already happened (in that faraway place called 2008!), but this is the "Runway" — it's supposed to feel fresh, frustrating, fun.

ABOUT LAST NIGHT
Last night's show felt like something old, borrowed — and blue. Was the original theme wedding-related? There was enough talk of bridesmaid dresses, after all.

So here's the rundown.

Tim, where have you gone? After the surf challenge (vom), at which you appeared in flip-flops and a suit, after specifically assuring us you'd never do such a thing, I'm thinking all the Ed Hardy around you may have infected your brain. Please come back to us. All TG managed to utter this week between designer reassurance sessions was, "Work, work, work," and "If you can make this work, it could be [insert Mad Lib praise here]."

This challenge, as mentioned earlier, is blue. Blue. Oh, and make holiday garments that will blend in on the I.N.C. sale rack at Macy's, kittens. So, the scrappy castaways (and that is what they all are, being so far from the Garment District) are unleashed at Mood. Bolts of teal, cerulean and aquamarine are ripped from the spools. What's fascinating about this is the fact that the designers, having only a color to work with, don't make executive decisions about fabric texture, pattern or flow. They just grab as many shades of blue as they can choke down. I've had about all I can take from Nicolas, for the record. If he rolls his eyes on camera much more, he may be mistaken for Audrina "Ceiling Eyes" Patridge. Stop complaining and wash your hair, mkay?

Gordana Huffington compares the "Runway" experience to participating in the Olympic games. Louise pulls an early season five Leanne-like line of excuses for her recent disrespect from the judges: "Are my designs too over the top?" "Will they be a snooze fest?"

Shirin is starting to think she's cuter than she is and more talented than the show deserves. And Epperson is doing a nifty Erykah Badu impression.

Tim introduces the kids to I.N.C. Executive Vice President of Marketing Martine Reardon, who is apparently being played by a sedated Amy Sedaris on tonight's episode. As already stated, blue, blah, bleh.

Carol Hannah is phoning this one in. (I can see why.) Make a holiday dress? For Macy's? In what color? Sign me up!

Louise Brooks decides, simplicity be damned: She's gonna vamp her aesthetic down that runway herself, if need be. Hmm. They're focusing an awful lot on her, awfully early into the show. Wait! Honey, look behind you! It's the cold hand of elimination creep —

Dear Lifetime: THANK YOU FOR SUCKING OUT WHATEVER REMAINING VESTIGES OF SURPRISE THIS SHOW HAS GOING FOR IT. Love, Chris.

MYSTERY SEWING MACHINE THEATER

The designers are asked to work in pairs, and team leaders are decided by Sedated Sedaris.

Althea is picked again. I just think it's because she's the tallest on the team and people assume she'll be the best volleyball player. For her partner, she picks Logan (the girls swoon; the guys would too, if they weren't. So. Boring). She wants to made denim wide-legged, high-wasted pants. Pam Grier just woke up.

Christopher is miraculously chosen as a team leader and he appoints Epperson Badu as his squire. They call it the "Dream Team." For reals.

Louise Brooks and her graphic novel aesthetic also makes the cut. She chooses Nicolas as her support, which is plain dumb. She has immunity, don'tcha know? That means if your designs blow, guess who has to stay after school?

Irina bats her eyes and elects Gordana Huffington. But she doesn't care who she partners with; she'll be the winner, so she portends, like the prissy little bitch in high school who believes she's a shoo-in for prom queen.

Carol Hannah picks Shirin. They're averse to sweater dresses from the outset. Guess what their final designs will look like.

At Mood, the tone is so obviously rigged, it's laughable. Louise loses her fabric money and her sketches. "I'm blowing my brains from the pressure." Dun dun dunnn. Nicolas despises ruffles. Can't say it enough, in fact. That's what their dress is predicated on, eventually. Hoo-boy.

Epperson tells Christopher they should sew pockets into a shirt dress! Chris squeals with joy. Pioneers! Have these two never walked into an H&M before? holy hell.

Carol Hannah and Shirin tell TG that they're incorporating leggings into their look. "Don't get me [started] on leggings," he groans, pinching the frame of his glasses. Wonder what they end up with. Two guesses.

Irina's design is Uli good. I mean, really good. It's float-y, Chevron-patterned and drapes beautifully.

Gordana's light-blue semi-sheer top is a fine complement. It's got a ruched collar that plummets tastefully.

Althea's pants are a nightmare. The crotch is yooge and the legs look like the bottom half of an elephant Halloween costume. Logan's navy suit skirt is trampy, his not-quite bolero jacket that flares in the back looks cheap in so many ways.

Carol Hannah has problems delegating during the challenge, but high-waisted skirt and blue top (which might as well be a superheroine's costume — maybe "Super Stewardess") is at least proportionate. She and Shirin also put together light blue tunic over — wait for it — leggings. And every hipster girl who hangs out with a sketchpad at the Hirshhorn on weekends breathes a sigh of relief.

Christopher and Epperson's lovefest gets Tim all hot and bothered. He actually hints that they're re-inventing the shirt-dress. Uh. Not something to strive for. Their plasticky number looks like a long boyfriend shirt cinched at the waist with old pantyhose. And they pair it with a shiny, teal balloon dress with an Austin Powers cravat. Barf.

LET'S START THE SHOW
What-ho! Is that who I think it is? The tangerine complexion! The cackle! It's Michael Kors, after what feels like years. Maybe he fell asleep inside a Mystic Tan. Joining him are Sedated Sedaris and some Marie Claire croney who isn't Neena Gah-seeya.

Pampered Russian princess Irina loves to talk trash about everyone else's designs, and it was disturbing to see run her mouth at kind and helpful Gordana Huffington. I'm pulling for you, Gordy. I won't throw you "under bus."

Althea and Logan's exploitation costumes are toe-up. These two were flirty throughout the episode, though, so maybe they had crotches on the brain. Their man pant with a baggy bulge up front paired crassly with their LiLo-ready peek-a-boo skirt that needs little more than an open limo door and a paparazzo hiding in the gutter as accessories.

Louise and Nicolas' frocks look like someone glued tinsel garlands down the front of one, and pitcher plants down the other. Nicolas flounces and haws. Hes immune, remember, so just cart the baditude off the runway, already.

Irina's a hit with the judges. But her patchwork dress (the Uli look-alike) really isn't. She wins. (Ho.) Gordana spent all her time on the second look, an icy blue sheer blouson top and dark blue skirt combo that Irina gave her no help on; it receives a passive grade. (Hum.)

Carol Hannah's leggings are tired. The obi belt is impossible to wear if you're the basic Macy's customer (also this is supposed to be a holiday look, right?). But their jersey tops with interesting neck detailing worked well enough together.

Dame Kors calls Louise Brooks's disasters "Loofahs." She frowns. Heidi auf's her. Shocker.

So that's the show for his week, possums. Next week, Kors seems to have missed his flight back to New York, so he'll be returning to judges' chairs. This season needs to just be over and done with. It took a few shows to come to this conclusion, but "Project Yawnur" is back.

Photo courtesy Lifetime