Hail to the Chef: Poor Pairings

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Express' Karmah Elmusa details a "Top Chef" dinner party.

IN THE INTRODUCTION to this week's episode, we discover that Ash did not go to culinary school (surprise!), that Michael V. has two daughters (actual surprise) and that Jennifer is going to cook for the judges in spite of having some sort of illness that makes her vomit within the first five minutes of the show! Yum!

Aside from that, this week marks the most awkward team challenge to date and the first compliment I've ever heard Toby Young give. Read on!

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE
Product placement is the name of the game this week, but the "Cookstr.com quickfire" is pretty interesting so I'll let it slide, just this once. Padma introduces the cheftestants to guest-judge Tyler Florence, a chef whose "Ultimate" Food Network show is a winner, but whose willingness to sell out to Applebee's and the like is somewhat off-putting. She then introduces them to a slot machine, which will offer them three "key words" (think searches on Cookstr.com!) to base their dishes on. One word will dictate the chefs mood, one will dictate taste and texture and one will dictate what cuisine their dish should be.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to mention Padma's outfit. She hasn't been (as) offensive with her clothing choices this season ... but this time, attention must be paid. A kelly green, poly-spandex-y looking tube top is paired with IDENTICAL pants — it's very Gumby shops the bargain bin. Step it up, Padma — you're too hot for monotone spandy suits.

Back to food. After the chefs take their turns at the slot machine and cook for 30 minutes, Tyler and Padma taste their mini-masterpieces. Tyler gives everyone compliments except his bottom three — Robin, Eli and the sickly Jennifer.

Robin's words are stressed, umami and Middle Eastern. Somehow this translates into a curry hash, which Padma notes is not Middle Eastern. Nor is it good. Eli has stressed, umami and Latin American. The mushroom ceviche he comes up with elicits a stern silence from Chef Florence. Finally, vomit-y Jennifer makes a seared Maine diver scallop over with pistachio and salmon roe for her trio: adventurous, nutty, American. The mighty Jennifer, momentarily thrown off her game! Perhaps the Voltaggios poisoned her dinner.

Tyler is a fan of D.C. Mike's stressed, umami, Asian creation: a raw mushroom salad with ginger and a yuzu emulsion. He also likes Michael V.'s yuzu curd with whipped greek yogurt and a seaweed cracker (that's adventurous, tangy and Asian). But Kevin (who is an Asian food novice), wins the day with his grilled pork, marinated daikon and carrot and simple herb salad (stressed, hot and spicy, Asian). Kevin is offered a choice between immunity and $15,000 — he takes the money. Atta boy, Kev — confident and a little bit richer.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE
After the quickfire, the chefs are sent home to "make dinner." Sounds like a twist to me! Indeed, Padma, Wife of Gumby, shortly appears and asks the chefs to "join her outside where it's less comfortable." She then introduces them to the Macy's Culinary Council — a group of chefs who aim to feed the hungry and promote Macy's at the same time, I guess. The council consists of a varied group of chefs: Tyler Florence, Nancy Silverton, Govind Armstrong, Takashi Yagihashi and Tom Douglas.

Padma instructs the chefs to draw knives, each with a council members name on it. Five council members, 10 cheftestants — that means we're working in pairs, folks! Each council members gives the team assigned to them a bag of ingredients to work with. The final twist — they're all cooking in the kitchen of their house, in honor of "staying in for dinner during the recession." Never mind that the menu includes seared tuna and kobe beef. The teams and their dishes break down as follows:

Team Tyler Florence (Bryan and Laurine): Pan-roasted halibut over a yellow corn cake with avocado mousse and a chorizo and sherry vinaigrette.

Team Tom Douglas (Jennifer and Kevin): Kobe beef with cardamon, tomato and ginger broth.

Team Govind Armstrong (Eli and Ashley): Spot prawns with red beet creme fraiche sauce, gnocchi and kale.

Team Nancy Silverton (Ash and Michael V.): Halibut wrapped in pancetta, egg yolk ravioli and shaved asparagus and fennel salad.

Team Takashi Yagihashi (D.C. Mike and Robin): Marinated mushroom and pickled Asian pear roll with seared tuna and scallops.

Earlier I mentioned there was some awkwardness with the above pairings. Jennifer and Kevin get along swimmingly, Laurine and Bryan as not mentioned at all so we can assume they do too. Eli and Ashley do OK, except that she ruins the prawns and he ruins her gnocchi. But there's no fighting. Ash and Michael V. ... well, they are cooking on a portable grill contraption in the dining room when the power goes out, and the halibut is overcooked. Also, their dynamic is uber-strange: Ash continually refers to the genius of Michael V. and praises his ideas. And his talent. This isn't "Idolize Your Partner," Ash, it's a competition. Step it up.

And finally, there's Robin and Mike. To say Mike is upset that he's paired with Robin is perhaps the understatement of the year. Here are his Robin quotes from the episode, condensed into a single paragraph for your reading convenience.

"I was livid, I was angry, I was upset and I thought I was going home [after being paired with Robin]. I'm just kind of ignoring her at this point. I know she knows I'm a better cook than her. It's my way or the highway. I gave her little things to do, things that wouldn't affect the final product. She's burning the tuna. Robin never shuts up. She thinks out loud. If she sees a car going by she says, 'Look at the car going by!' Or if she thinks she has to go to work, she says, 'I think I have to go to work today!'"

JUDGES' TABLE
Somehow, Robin and D.C. Mike are the only team that aren't in the top or the bottom, so despite all of Mike's griping, he's still here. The judges are big fans of Laurine and Bryan's halibut and of Kevin and Jennifer's kobe beef. Toby Young the latter team a compliment, saying he simply couldn't stop eating the beef. Jennifer takes the win for her cardamon, ginger and tomato broth, proving that even vomit-itis can't keep this chef down.

In the bottom are Ash and Michael V. and Eli and Ashley. Team Ash-Michael had a texturally messy dish, complete with soggy pancetta and overcooked halibut. Eli-Ashley are guilty of over-salted gnocchi and undercooked spot prawns. Ashley somehow gets blamed for every single thing that went wrong on her team, while Ash is embarrassingly complimentary toward his partner (see quotes section below). In the end, Ashley gets sent home and I feel surprisingly sad: We'll miss your weird bedhead and your tuxedo T-shirt, Merriman.

QUOTE OF THE SERIES (SO FAR):
» Tom: "Ash, did you mind letting Michael V. take the lead?"
» Ash: "I mean, do you mind washing paint brushes for Picasso?"