Hail to the Chef: Swine and Wine

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Express' Karmah Elmusa walks you through a sea of "Pigs and Pinots."

THIS WEEK, "TOP CHEF: LAS VEGAS" was full of drama, delicious looking wines and pork belly. Those just happen to be three of the items listed in an alternate version of "My Favorite Things" that I often sing to myself, so needless to say, I was a happy blogger.

Oh, it also provided a solid introduction to restaurant legend Charlie Palmer, who was somewhat different than I'd expect him to be. Read on to find out more.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE
After an awkward scene in which Eli is talking to his mom on the phone — and confesses he lives with his parents, and says, "I don't care! I don't pay rent!" — the chefs head to the kitchen. There, they are greeted by Padma and a man with a mustache and a build that screams Chicago cop, superfans, "Da BeaRRss!"

OK, so maybe this is something like last year's tailgating challenge? A deep dish pizza throw down? Nope — this is no cop, but Chef Charlie Palmer, whose D.C. steakhouse is the apex of Capitol Hill hobnobbing — I feel ashamed for not recognizing him.

Palmer announces that the chefs will have to work with pairings for the quickfire, making something that pairs well with ... Alexia crunchy snacks? Come. On. Product placement has forced Bravo to lose the beat on this one: Asking chefs to make a gourmet dish to be paired with crunchy snacks that come in onion, jalapeno and bbq flavors? That, my friends, is simply whack.

But I have to tell you what happens anyway (sigh). Charlie Palmer's least favorites are Jennifer's pork chop with tomato, black olives and feta, paired with the dreaded crunchy snacks. He also find's Ash's cold cucumber soup paired with bbq snacks unappetizing, and is overwhelmed by Robin's sickly sweet corn panna cotta with avocado mousseline and jalapeno snacks.

He likes Eli's warm fennel, clam, celery and potato salad served with onion straws, Bryan's seared ribeye, pickled onions, chive puree and mushrooms, also served with onion straws and Kevin's clever play on green bean casserole (you guessed it, onion straws). But in the end, Eli takes the quickfire win and his already large head continues to grow.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE
News flash: Everyone hates Robin. Some put it nicely, like Kevin, who says: "Robin, she has the best intentions at heart. But she is driving some people in this house up the fucking wall."

Some put it less nicely, like D.C. Mike, who says: "If you say one word to Robin, she won't stop talking for hours. So I don't talk to her."

And some, like Eli, get in giant fights with her while they're making dinner at the house. A lot of F bombs are thrown, and Eli dramatically runs down the stairs away from her with his cast iron skillet full of scallops. There, he and the other chefs gather around it like college kids would around a freshly delivered pizza and dig in family style. Meanwhile, Robin is upstairs by herself. I agree with everyone — she's borderline intolerable — but still, exclusion and clique-i-ness coming from adults is really off-putting. Be nice, chefs.

Told you there was drama! And now for all that pork and wine I was telling you about. The chefs draw knives and are assigned parts of the pig to work with. Jennifer gets the "wild" card/knife and chooses pork belly. Charlie Palmer then explains that the chefs will be serving at an annual charity event he throws called "Pigs and Pinots" — each chef has to serve 150 guests a pork dish that pairs well with the pinot noir they select. After a chat with a sommelier and a trip to Whole Foods, it's time to get cooking.

At the event, the chefs are impressed with Bryan's braised pork spare rib served over parsnip puree. It's well-executed and goes well with his pinot. Kevin's pate of pork leg pate (or terrine), mushroom salad and pickled cherries also goes over well, as does Jennifer's braised pork belly served with tomatoes, black olives, apples and truffles.

Michael V.'s root beer braised pork cheek is also a big hit. Eli's roasted pork belly with carrot puree and raw root veggies is well-received, but doesn't go well with his wine. D.C. Mike's pork kibbe with orange scented yogurt is liked by some, but again fails to pair well with his pinot. On the other side of the tracks, Laurine makes a pork rillette that Dana Cowin calls cat food. Robin's brined center cut pork chop is overly coffee flavored and too thin, and Ash's cold pork tenderloin served with a cherry and corn salad is called "clammy." Yikes.

JUDGES' TABLE
The winners and losers are pretty clear right up front here, but the breakdown is: Volataggio brothers, Jennifer and Kevin in the top four, Ash, Laurine and Robin in the bottom, and D.C. Mike and Eli right in the middle.

Kevin is awarded the win for his pate and the way it worked with his pinot. Ash is awarded the pack your knives and go line, but ducks out gracefully and with the same good humor he's exhibited all season. Come to think of it, we haven't seen much in the way of great food from Ash, but there's been plenty of sweet one-liners ... such as, "Ohhh, I forgot FLAVOR!"

The other cheftestants are needless to say, disappointed with the judges choice. They've made no secret of the fact that they want Robin gone, and they want her gone now. Michael hints that "Big R, little Obin" needs to be the next to go. If I were her, I'd pray for elimination next week ... otherwise she might find herself in a horribly hostile environment.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK
» Eli: "That's right, Robin, be a fucking martyr. I don't give a fuck."
» Robin: "I think there's something really luscious about a thin piece of meat."
» Toby: "With your dish, Jennifer, it was the first European pinot — we went from nice American pinots to barnyard, funky flavors. It's like the difference between a shaved armpit and a hairy armpit. You know you're in France."