Baggage Check: Getting to the Answer May Require Digging

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MY BOYFRIEND OF SEVERAL YEARS has begun to hate his job and wants to become an archaeologist. History is one of his hobbies, and he reads all the magazines and books about it. He knows he can't just quit and switch jobs; he'd have to go back to school. All this makes him even more irritable, which is starting to affect our relationship. I've tried to get him to do some history writing and other activities that I hoped would give him an outlet until he can pursue it full time. It hasn't worked, and he keeps getting more frustrated. I love him and want to be supportive of him, but I'm worried that his growing stress and anger will mean he'll risk losing his job and our relationship. How can I cheer him up and be supportive but at the same time persuade him to see the bigger picture? — Frustrated

Sometimes it's easy to get so obsessed with an idea — especially when Indiana Jones is involved — that the actual steps needed to achieve it get lost along the way. You're being supportive in the right ways, by encouraging him to do something tangible to move forward. Clearly, though, he's overwhelmed and getting defensive. I even wonder whether he's depressed. Help him set even smaller, realistic goals on a weekly basis that he could move toward. If the real problem is that he is incapacitated by his job misery, he'll have to refocus on getting into another job, even if it's temporary. But the more irritable he gets, the more I'm convinced he could be helped by regular counseling just as much as career counseling.

My wife had an affair within the first year of our marriage. She claims that she is sorry, and she has been seeing a therapist for two years to deal with the supposed issues that made her cheat in the first place. The problem is I don't see much change in her. She still has the same coldness and distance that I think led to this problem in the first place. She gets very defensive when I try to talk to her about it. But I really don't see how this won't happen again, despite what she says. — Stuck, in VA.

I can understand your concern, as it sounds like the affair — like a scaly rash — was a symptom of an underlying problem that hasn't gone away. Her attempt to work on this in therapy is admirable, but you have the right to expect that intimacy should have improved, rather than stagnated. Ask her whether there's a possibility that you can meet with her therapist with her for a session or two, and then to possibly be referred to another couples therapist. Indeed, you can't expect your trust to automatically grow back. You need signs real change is happening — and she needs to commit to showing you those signs by letting you in.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Ben Claassen III for Express