Runway Jury: The Museum of Over It

DWINDLE, DWINDLE, LITTLE STARS. The five remaining designers will be sliced to three by the end of the episode, so the pressure's on, especially for Christopher, who's the last man standing. And, considering how copiously he cries, I use the word "man" advisedly.

Heidi sends them to meet Tim Gunn at "an iconic place," which turns out to be the Getty Museum. Ooh, I love that place. When I was little, I used to wander around there pretending I lived in it, wondering where to put the couch.

L.A. mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has nothing better to do than greet the scissor monkeys. Tim gives them their assignment: Explore the museum, the architecture, the grounds and the beautiful ocean view for inspiration, with their models at their sides to serve as muses.

"There's so much to see," says Lonely Boy. "So much to not touch." Say, Handsy McTearduct, have you ever been in a museum before?

SERIOUSLY, THE COUCH GOES HERE
Carol Hannah falls for an ornate French bed covered in draperies http://www.getty.edu/art/gettyguide/artObjectDetails?artobj=7106 . She gasps at the gorgeousness, while the model silently gags. Way to be a muse, honey.

Irinia and her model squeal over a painting by John William Godward http://www.getty.edu/art/gettyguide/artObjectDetails?artobj=805. It is gorgeous. Damn her taste level; I so want to hate her, but am helpless in the face of schmoopy early-20th-century salon art.

Gordana falls for one of Monet's painting of Rouen cathedral http://www.getty.edu/art/gettyguide/artObjectDetails?artobj=142049 The model calls it "snowy? In a way?" Oh, honey. Look up "Impressionism."

LonelyBoy digs the rocky fountain with its algae stains. It's heavy and ugly, so that will be perfect for him.

They go to Mood, where Irina is buying fur again, LonelyBoy insists his ugly swatch of chartreuse will be an accent. (Tim grimaces: "Quest-ce que c'est?")

MYSTERY SEWING MACHINE THEATER ...
... with a domestic interlude.

They snip and snipe at each other in the workroom — well, the ladies do. LonelyBoy has the restraint to stay out of it. Then they bicker in the apartment. Even Gordana turns into a raging bitch. It's kind of fantastic. Let's walk through:

Irina, lolling in bed with a smirk: "Why do you always assume that I'm making fun of you?"

Gordana, looking about 104: "Because you do."

Irina: "There's other people here; you're not that important."

Gordana: "Smart ass."

Carol Hannah, with a tired laugh: "Eh, don't start."

Irina: "We're kidding."

Gordana: "We're not kidding, though. We are not; we are fighting."

Carol Hannah: "I don't think you're being serious when you're bickering. I don't want to listen to it."

Althea looks at her lap and hopes the floor will open and swallow her up.

Gordana, getting up and stalking from the room: "Well, too bad, Carol Hannah. If you don't want to be, I am not here to serve you."

Wow. I have no idea what just happened there.

THE TIM THROUGH
Inspiration was the rock fountain, which is ugly as hell, so that will be perfect for him.

Tim loves Carol Hannah's bed. Not the dress, but the bed. He tells her not to lose the sophistication. That won't be a problem. The problem is she loses the blue, which is the bed's signature color.

Tim seems very tired by the walk-through grind." How's Irina? So, talk to me."

Irina mealymouths her inspiration.

Tim: "FLESHY?"

Irina: "Um, and then I have ..."

Tim: "THIS. It's looking a lot like road kill."

Althea is inspired by the Getty's clean architecture. Tim Gunn is perplexed, using the phrase "a panel of puckering," which I hope is code for "You have execution issues; make your clothes better."

Gordana breaks down over her own spirituality and the "angelic" colors of the painting. She wants to make something she loves, regardless of the judges. Fail — that's what she did last week, and it almost got her aufed. Gordana has lived too long to still be so mentally weak.

DON'T ANSWER THAT
Irina will not shut up about the other designers. I can't tell whether she's a steel-belted bitch or extremely naïve. In the private interviews, she's clearly being asked, "Does Christopher have a right to be confident?" "What do you think of Althea's sewing skills?" "Do you think Carol Hannah deserves to go to Fashion Week?" "Eastern Europe is kind of backwards, isn't it?" And she just gives it all up as if she's talking to her besties over the appletinis I am certain she favors. What a dumbunny.

LET'S START THE SHOW
Judges are Cynthia Rowley (love her), Nina and a cougarrific Cindy Crawford. Wait a minute. This is the final elimination taking three designers to Bryant Par, and the show can't be bothered to lure Michael Kors to the judges' panel? That is atrocious. Of course Nina can complain that she doesn't get the any of the designer's aesthetics — she's been there about a third of the time.

Althea — surprise! Has made a high-waisted skirt with a sheer, sloppy top again. The skirt is made of numerous pleats puckering all over the place (it looks like those purses made out of seat belts they sell at the Hirshhorn gift shop) and the top is gray and the bra non-existent.

Carol Hannah can sure make a gorgeous gown, but it doesn’t relate to the bed. It's a gorgeous long pale gold thing that is fitted exquisitely, and has three braided straps over one shoulder. It could use some blue.

Christopher's top is a halter gathered at the neck in a weird dotted pattern; the skirt is heavy gray satin with a stain of green on one side to stand in for algae. There's a ... belt? It's unwearable and the top and bottom and completely incompatible.

Finally, Gordana whips out a sold-gold win. The shirred sheer material in rose, gray and pale dove sweeps from the sternum to the floor — it's flowy, youthful, wearable and beautifully evokes the Monet painting.

Irina took the dreamy painting into her floppy-sweater territory. The blue color is lovely, but the top slops all over the place and the flouncy skirt is a dowdy length. It's accessorized horribly, with blocky black heels, and Irina had the model's hair pulled into a fierce topknot.

THE FASHION THINK-POLICE DEMANDS YOU TURN IN YOUR COLLEAGUE
Cindy Crawford is a pretty good judge. She gives Althea props for her ambition, but calls the pleating hard to make but hard to wear, and she loves Gordana's gown, not knowing she's supposed to hate it so the panel can send Gordana home in good conscience.

Heidi gimlets in on Gordana to ask her why she deserves to stay and who should show at Bryant Park as well, not that she has any intention of putting the poor old girl through. Gordana says Christopher "because he wants it so much," and Irina, because she's good.

Althea says Irina and Carol Hannah.

Carol Hannah says Christopher and Althea.

Irina pulls up the old "my parents are immigrants thing" and works it into a slam against Gordana. She chooses Althea and Gordana. I'm convinced she just has logorrhea and her self-love is so enormous that she feels no need for a filter.

Christopher poor mouths his own sad story (small town; no fashion training — God, he is so strong. He's like the Alexander Solzhenitsyn of fashion) and says Irina and Carol Hannah.

Irina is the first in; Christopher the first out. Carol Hannah is in; Althea is in for her ugly, poorly made, incoherent retread; Gordana is out for creating the most beautiful and challenge-appropriate gown of the week.

That's it. I am over this show. The challenges have been boring, the random judge rotation useless, the decisions outrageous. Even Tim Gunn looks bored. That Althea's consistent pushing saggy-boobed tops and badly made high-waisted bottoms down the runway and slid through week after week is infuriating.

NEXT WEEK
You know the drill, pigeons. TG visits everyone's workrooms and the three ladies go to New York City to show the looks that will no doubt go straight to QVC. Also, Carol Hannah comes down with something nasty. Got something nasty of your own? Talk about it in the comments below.

Photos Kannie Yu LaPack for Lifetime

Posted By Arion Berger at 10:00 AM on November 6, 2009 Tagged in Arts & Events , Runway Jury , Television

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