American Idol: Texas Fold 'Em

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MY FELLOW "AMERICAN IDOL" VIEWERS, I come to you today to call for change. Change we can believe in. Change we can support. Change that must come.

For too long, we have endured a creatively asphyxiated month-long slog through "Idol" auditions every year. We are tired of being told which singers to like. We're sick of the seemingly endless parade of melvins who warble into our ear like grocery store Muzak. We've had enough of stories so clearly meant to endear us to the poor unfortunate soul at their center — "His uncle had a disease that turned him into a goose. How can I *not* support his bid to become fabulously rich and famous?" — that we'd seem heartless to think otherwise. To think for ourselves!

The state of our "Idol" is weak. But we can make it stronger.

We can speak with one voice and say "No more!" We can tell the "Idol" producers to actually program something in January. To condense these pointless, repetitive auditions into something palatable. To get on with the part of the show in which we get to know people, to root for them because we think they're talented or nice or hot or that they meet whatever subjective criteria we choose to set up for them.

Yes we can! And if they refuse to listen, my friends, we can surely change something else: The channel.

God bless you, and God bless America.

DON'T MESS WITH BRANDING
Wednesday's "Idol" auditions occurred in Dallas, which of course means the producers must delight us with sights and sounds that signify we're in Texas.

Hokey Texas-themed country song playing in the background? Check. Series of signs reading "Don't Mess With Texas," which only serve to make messing with Texas seem all the more appealing? Check. Gratuitous shots of cattle? Check. The Cowboys cheerleaders? Natch. "This is my favorite day ever at work," Seacrest says as he approaches them. It's 2 for 1 sub day at Blimpie. He's a fan.

And I've got to admit right off the bat that I'm a fan of guest judge Neil Patrick Harris, who starts off on a funny foot by telling Karathat his goal in his day of judging is "to shatter the dreams of thousands. If I can make two, three dozen people cry, then I've accomplished my goal."

He gets his first shot with Julie Kevelighan, a gal we first met waaaaaaaay back in season one, when Paula had a perm and Simon was going through his pudgier-Robert-Downey-Jr. phase.

She's disconcerting in several ways. A replay of her 2001 attempt at "Lady Marmalade" doesn't fill me with hope so much as dread, and the combination of the cadence of her speech and her Wonder Woman-esque dress and her cartoonish glittery eye shadow make it pretty clear that this is not the next Kelly Clarkson on my screen.

Her audition proves it. And then after a brusque, but polite, shove-off from Neil, she bursts into "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." And then into Bonnie Raitt's "Something to Talk About." And then she's finally, blissfully, ushered off by security.

On to superlatives.

MOST EXTREME ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE TYPECASTING
When former "Barney & Friends" cast member Erica Rhodes appears in a dominatrix outfit, I audibly gasp. The creepy factor only increases when the judges ask her to sing the "Barney" theme, which she does in a pitch-perfect, music-teacher-cadenced prim-and-proper voice. While holding a bullwhip and rocking thigh-high boots.

She sings "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue — her outfit surely helped free some of the minds in the audience to wander someplace very dirty — and impresses the judges. She emerges with a yellow ticket to cheers from her adoring parents. Because it's every parent's dream to see their little girl audition for a big national TV show dressed like a hooker.

BIGGEST NICKNAME FAIL
Lloyd Thomas'. Was it "Big Sucsexy?" Like a combination of "success" and "sexy"? Because if you're going to give yourself a nickname that's as close to being family-unfriendly as this one is, you want to make sure people can figure it out. He's a good singer, though.

MOST ENERGETIC
Vanessa Johnston (pictured at right) the pink-bedecked ball of positivity who attempts Etta James' "At Last," but fails. She's only 22, which means she didn't experience much of the '80s. She more than makes up for it with her outfit, though. I could swear I had a friend with a Trapper Keeper that looked like her top. It might have sent some kids in class into seizures.

MOST ORIGINAL HAIRCUT
The side-faded, frosted-tipped mohawk sported by Dexter Ward. His lispy attempt at "If I Ever Fall in Love" by Shai is bagpipes-deflating unpleasant. But that hair is a work of art.

BEST EXCHANGE
Between Simon, Neil and ex-"Barney" gal Erica Rhodes:

» SIMON: So what's big the dream here? I know what mine is...
» ERICA: I want people to know that Barney kids grow up
» NEIL: To be dirty little girls.
» ERICA: My role model is Janet Jackson, what do you expect?

BEST GUEST JUDGE OF THE NIGHT
It's gotta be Neil. Joe Jonas' contributions can be counted by the syllable.

BEST OF THE REST
» Kimberly Carver: I love the soulful sound of her voice, and actually really enjoy the original song she sings for the judges. Huh. That sentence feels strange to write. Anyway, because her song is throwbacky, Simon, of course, hates it. Neil loves it. Which is yet another reason why he's awesome.
» Todrick Hall: He's the one with the "Idol"-themed original song, which I really like; it's clever. Two good singers singing stuff they wrote themselves? What is this competition coming to?
» Stephanie Daulong: We hear only a few seconds of her vocals, but her voice has an interesting, unusually deep quality to it. I'm curious to hear more. I can only hope that her headband, however, is not Hollywood-bound. It makes her look like Tommy Chong.
» Christian Spear: She's got an emotion-packed sound and a great stage presence. And I'd say that even without her inspiring story from having survived cancer. She's got talent; let's see where it takes her.

» NEXT WEEK: Auditions finally, finally, finally end with a trek through Denver and a "Road to Hollywood" bridge episode. I'll have recaps on Wednesday and Thursday mornings right here at ExpressNightOut.com/idol.

Between then and now, what did you think of this week's auditions? This week's guest judges? Let me know what you think in the comments section below.

Flag photo by Jonathan Ferrey/Getty Images; other photos courtesy Fox